Upon entering the little country store, the stranger noticed a sign sayingDANGER! BEWARE OF DOG! posted on the glass door. Inside he noticed aharmless old hound dog asleep on the floor beside the cash register. He asked the store manager, "Is THAT the dog folks are supposed to bewareof? ""Yep, that's him," he replied. The stranger couldn't help but be amused. "That certainly doesn't look likea dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign? ""Because", the owner replied, "before I posted that sign, people kepttripping over him. "
A husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them areplaying like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons. The husband has his lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, hesays, "No no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard!""Well, what should I do? " asks the man. "Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "just like you'd hold your wife's breast. "The man takes the advice, takes a swing, and POW! He hits the ball250 yds. straight up the fairway. The man goes back to his wifewith the good news, and the wife can't wait for her lesson. The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches herswing and says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard. ""What can I do? " asks the wife. "Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's penis. "The wife listens carefully to the pro's advice, takes a swing, andTHUMP. The ball goes straight down the fairway. . . about 15 ft. "That was great," the pro says with a straight face. "Now, take the club out of your mouth and swing it like you're supposed to!"
An Irish priest and a Rabbi found themselves sharing a compartment on a train. After a while, the priest opened a conversation by saying "I know that, in yourreligion, you're not supposed to eat pork. . . Have you actually ever tasted it? The Rabbi said, "I must tell the truth. Yes, I have, on the odd occasion. "Then the Rabbi had his turn of interrogation. He asked, "Your religion, too. . . I know you're suposed to be celibate. But. . . . "The priest replied, "Yes, I know what you're going to ask. I have succumbedonce or twice. "There was silence for a while. Then the Rabbi peeped around the newspaper hewas reading and said, "Better than pork, isn't it? "
Two men were talking to each other about how pussy taste. The first guy said"I think it taste like cherry pie". Theother guy said "I think it taste like shit". Thenthe first guy said "you are supposed to turn her over". Sent by Don Chamberlin
This 60 year old woman was walking along 5th Avenue when she heard a voice from above "You will live to be 100. " She looked around and didn't see anyone. Again she heard "You will live to be 100. " Boy, she thought to herself, that was the voice of God. I've got 40 more years to live! So off she went to the plastic surgeon. She got everything fixed from head to toe. When she left the plastic surgeon's office, she got hit by a bus,died, and went up to heaven. She said to God "You told me I would live to be 100. I was supposed to have had 40 more years. So how come you let the bus kill me? ". God said: "I didn't recognize you".
A tiny but dignified old lady was among a group looking at an art exhibition in a newly opened gallery. Suddenly one contemporary painting caught her eye. "What on earth," she inquired of the artist standing nearby, "is that? "He smiled condescendingly. "That, my dear lady, is supposed to be a mother and her child. ""Well, then," snapped the little old lady, "why isn't it? "
An older man wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phoney beard sat down at a bar and ordered a drink. As the bartender set it down, he asked, "Going to a party? ""Yeah," the man answered, "I'm supposed to come dressed as my love life. " "But you look like Abe Lincoln," protested the barkeep. "That's right. My last four scores were seven years ago. "
|A lady was expecting the plumber; he was supposed to come at ten o'clock. Ten o'clock came and went; no plumber; eleven o'clock, twelve o'clock, one o'clock; no plumber. She concluded he wasn't coming, and went out to do some errands. While she was out, the plumber arrived. He knocked on the door; the lady's parrot, who was at home in a cage by the door, said, "Who is it? "He replied, "It's the plumber. "He thought it was the lady who'd said, "Who is it? " and waited for her to come and let him in. When this didn't happen he knocked again, and again the parrot said, "Who is it? "He said, "It's the plumber!"He waited, and again the lady didn't come to let him in. He knocked again, and again the parrot said, "Who is it? "He said, "It's the plumber!!!!!!!!"Again he waited; again she didn't come; again he knocked; again the parrot said, "Who is it? "; "Aarrrrrrgggggghhhhhhh!!!" he said, flying into a rage; he pushed the door in and ripped it off its hinges. He suffered a heart attack and he fell dead in the doorway. The lady came home from her errands, only to see the door ripped off its hinges and a corpse lying in the doorway, "A dead body!" she exclaimed, "Who is it? !"The parrot said, "It's the plumber. "
|A group of psychiatrists were attending a convention. Four of them decided to leave, and walked out together. One said to the other three, "People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears, but we have no one that we can go to when we have problems. " The others agreed. Then one said, "Since we are all professionals, why don't we take some time right now to hear each other out? "The other three agreed. The first then confessed, "I have an uncontrollable desire to kill my patients. "The second psychiatrist said, "I love expensive things and so I find ways to cheat my patients out of their money whenever I can so I can buy the things I want. "The third followed with, "I'm involved with selling drugs and often get my patients to sell them for me. "The fourth psychiatrist then confessed, "I know I'm not supposed to, but no matter how hard I try, I can't keep a secret. . . "
|With the number of airline disasters lately, the FAA now sends an inspector to the North Pole to check out Santa Claus's sleigh before allowing him to fly on Christmas eve. The inspector arrives and checks the reindeer and they look good, he checks the harness and it looks okay, he checks the sleigh and it is also okay. Then he says, "Santa, lets take it up for a check ride and if everything looks good I'll certify you to fly. "Santa hitches the reindeer up and taxis onto the runway and just as he's starting his takeoff roll he looks over and notices the inspector has a pump shotgun on his lap. "Hey! Whats the shotgun for!? " Santa yells. The inspector says, "Well, Santa, I'm really not supposed to tell you this, but there is going to be an engine failure on takeoff. "
The racehorse owner was annoyed with the running of his horse at the race. He turned on the jockey. "Flaherty, could you not have raced faster? " "Sure I could have, but you know we are supposed to stay on the horse. "
The wife comes home from a night at bingo with a new fur coat. She says "Honey, look what I won at bingo". Next week she comes home from bingo with a large diamond ring. She says,"Honey look what I won at bingo". Next week she come home from bingo driving a new porsche, she says "Honey, look what I won at bingo". The next week as she is preparing to get ready for bingo, the husband asks - "Honey shall I draw you a bath? " To which she replies "Why sure". As the wife enters the tub she notices there is less than a inch of water in the tub. She asks "how am I supposed to take a bath in this amount of water? "To which the husband replies. . . "I wouldn't want you to get your bingo card wet"!
Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in church. " "Why? Who's going to stop me? " Joel asked. Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers!"
A football coach walked into the locker room before a big game, looked over to his star player and said, "I'm not supposed to let you play since you failed math, but we really need you in there. So, what I have to do is ask you a math question, and if you get it right, you can play. "The player agreed, so the coach looked into his eyes intently and asked, - "Okay, now concentrate hard and tell me the answer to this: What is two plus two? "The player thought for a moment and then answered, "4? " "Did you say 4? !" the coach exclaimed, excited that he had given the right answer. Suddenly, all the other players on the team began screaming, "Come on coach, give him another chance!"
One day a woman went to her pastor and asked, "Pastor there are some things in life that aren't addressed in the Bible; how are we supposed to deal with them. The Pastor responded, "There are no such things, give me an example of what you are talking about". The woman responded, "PMS is not in the Bible". So the Pastor thought and told the woman to call back in the morning and he would have the answer. The woman called the next morning and asked if the Pastor had an answer about PMS in the Bible. The Pastor replied, "Yes, it's the part where Mary rides Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem!!!".
The curator of an art gallery asked an artist for a painting depicting General Custer's last thoughts. Two weeks later, the artist unveiled the painting, an enormous canvas with a lovely blue lake painted in its center, with a fish leaping from the water with a shining halo around its head. On the shores of the lake were the most detailed pictures of Indians fornicating. After gaping at the painting for some time, the enraged curator demanded to know what the theme was supposed to be. The artist said, "You asked for a painting of Custer's last thoughts," he explained. "That's it. Custer was thinking, 'Holy mackerel, where did all those fucking Indians come from? '"
An Irish priest and a Rabbi found themselves sharing a compartment on a train. After a while, the priest opened a conversation by saying "I know that, in your religion, you're not supposed to eat pork. . . Have you actually ever tasted it? The Rabbi said, "I must tell the truth. Yes, I have, on the odd occasion. "Then the Rabbi had his turn of interrogation. He asked, "Your religion, too. . . I know you're supposed to be celibate. But. . . . "The priest replied, "Yes, I know what you're going to ask. I have succumbed once or twice. "There was silence for a while. Then the Rabbi peeped around the newspaper he was reading and said, "Better than pork, isn't it? "
Is it all right to bring a date to the wedding? Not if you are the groom. How many showers is the bride supposed to have? At least one within a week of the wedding. What music is recommended for the wedding ceremony? Anything except "Tied to the Whipping Post".
There was a guy who was struggling to decide what to wear to go to a fancy costume party. Then he had a bright idea. When the host answered the door, he found the guy standing there with no shirt and no socks on. . . just a pair of pants. "What the hell are you supposed to be? " asked the host. "A premature ejaculation. " said the man - "I just came in my pants!"
A blonde, brunette and a redhead were all in a swimming race. They were supposed to swim the English Channel. A group of spectators anxiously awaited the three women at the finish line. The brunette came in first, then the redhead a little later. They waited hours for the blonde to show up. When she finally did, they asked her what had taken her so long. The blonde was very upset as she screamed, "This was supposed to be a breast stroke race, and those girls were using their arms!!!"