486: The average IQ needed to understand a PC. State-of-the-art: Any computer you can't afford. Obsolete: Any computer you own. Microsecond: The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to become obsolete. G3: Apple's new Macs that make you say 'Gee, three times faster than the computer I bought for the same price a Microsecond ago. ' Syntax Error: Walking into a computer store and saying, "Hi, I want to buy a computer and money is no object. " Hard Drive: The sales technique employed by computer salesmen, esp. after a Syntax Error. GUI: What your computer becomes after spilling your coffee on it. (pronounced 'gooey') Keyboard: The standard way to generate computer errors. Mouse: An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate. Floppy: The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer. Portable Computer: A device invented to force businessmen to work at home, on vacation, and on business trips. Disk Crash: A typical computer response to any critical deadline. Power User: Anyone who can format a disk from DOS. System Update: A quick method of trashing ALL of your software.
Your mother does not remove the marlboro from her lips before telling the state patrolman to kiss her ass.
State of Kentucky 12th Grade Reading Test TEST #1 TEST #2 TEST #3 TEST #4 MR Ducks MR Snakes MR Farmers MR Mice MR Knot MR Knot MR Knot MR Knot SAR SAR SAR SAR CM Wangs CM BDI's CMMT Pockets CMEDBD Feet LIB LIB LIB LIB MR Ducks MR Snakes MR Farmers MR Mice
Did you hear about the New 3 Million Dollar Alabama State Lottery? 3 dollars a year for a million years.
A Jewish young man was seeing a psychiatrist for an eating and sleeping disorder. "I am so obsessed with my mother. . . As soon as I go to sleep, I start dreaming, and everyone in my dream turns into my mother. I wake up insuch a state, all I can do is go downstairs and eat a piece of toast. " The psychiatrist replies: "What, just one piece of toast, for a big boy like you? " Sent by Yasha
What's the Arkansas state motto? If you can't keep it in your pants keep it in the family. Sent by Mike
Did you hear that in New York State, the Stop And Shop grocery chain merged with the A & P? Yup. . now they call it the. . . Stop & P.
A Lutheran minister is driving down to New York to see the radio show and he's stopped in Connecticut for speeding. The state trooper smells alcohol on his breath and then he sees an empty wine bottle on the floor, and he says, "Sir, have you been drinking? "And the minister says, "Just water. "The sheriff says, "Then why do I smell wine? "And the minister looks down at the bottle and says, "Good Lord, He's done it again!"
At night court, a man was brought in and set before the judge. The judge said, "State your name, occupation, and the charge. "The defendant said, "I'm Sparks, I'm an electrician, charged with battery. "The judge winced and said, "Bailiff! Put this man in a dry cell!"
A college professor is explaining to his class that pleasure is a mental state, and that many people overlook the things they already have. He says, "A man who has developed a true sense of appreciation can enjoy a good bowel movement as much as having sexual intercourse. "One student stands up and says, "Professor, either you don't know how to fuck, or I don't know how to shit. "
|A dumb blonde was bragging about her knowledge of the state capitals of the United States. She proudly announced, "go ahead, ask me any of the capitals, I know all of them. "A red head said, "O. K. , what's the capital of Wyoming? " The blonde replied, "Oh, that's easy, 'W'. "
|On a rural road a state trooper pulled this farmer over and said: "Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the car several miles back? "To which the farmer replied: "Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!"
|This hillbilly is traveling across Texas when a state policeman pulls him over. "You got any I. D. ? " the patrolman asked. ""'Bout what? " the hillbilly replied.
|Two Alabama State Troopers were chasing a Camaro East on I-20 toward Georgia. When the suspect crossed the Georgia line, the first Trooper pulled over quickly. The rookie Trooper pulled in behind him and said, "Hey, sarge, why did you stop? "The sarge replied, "He's in Georgia now. They're an hour ahead of us, so we'll never catch him. "
|Murphy won the Irish Sweepstakes $100,000. 00 and was on a long holiday in America. He went on a bus tour and traveled for hours and hours through desert country and oil fields. Murphy said, "Where are we now? " The guide said, "We're in the great state of Texas. " "It's a big place," said Murphy. The guide said, "It's so big, that your County Kerry would fit into the smallest corner of it. " And Murphy said, "Yes, and wouldn't it do wonders for it!"
|"Young man," said the judge, looking sternly at the defendant. "It's alcohol and alcohol alone that's responsible for your present sorry state!" "I'm glad to hear you say that," replied Murphy, with a sigh of relief. "Everybody else says it's all my fault!"
Q. What's te best pick up line in any state below the Mason-Dixon line? A. Get in the truck!
In the Ohio State Buckeyes locker room in Columbus, there's a sign stating - "Play like champions today!"There's also one in the Michigan Wolverines locker room that says:"Don't forget your HELMET!"
Q. . . . OK, there's a smart blonde, a brunette, and Santa Claus on top of the Empire State Building. If they all jump off at the same time, who will hit the ground first? A. . . . The brunette, because the other two don't exist!