A gentleman is permitted to join a private club. The initiation consists of holding an unprepared on-the-spot lecture, on a theme starting on a letter which is alotted to him. The man gets an S, and chooses to give his impromptu lecture on Sex. Coming home and reporting to his wife, he chickens out and says that he spoke about Sailing. The next day, his wife meets a club member who says her hubby gave a very good lecture last night -hawhawhaw. Wife: "That's strange, I must say. He has only done it twice. The first time he got sick, and the second time he lost his hat. "
Reaching the end of a job interview, the human resources person askeda young engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were youlooking for? "The engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, dependingon the benefits package. "The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, companymatching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leasedevery 2 years - say, a red Corvette? "The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding? "And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it. "
Some of the most tactful people on Earth are English. One office supervisor called a secretary in to give her the bad news that she was being fired. He started the conversation with: "Miss Symthe, I really don't know how we're going to get along without you, but starting Monday, we're going to try.
Two blondes observed in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. Blonde#1: I can't seem to get this door unlocked!Blonde#2: Well, you'd better hurry up and try harder, its starting to rain and the top is down!
Teacher: Johnny, give me a sentence starting with "I". Little Johnny: I is. . . Teacher: No, Little Johnny. Always say "I am. "Little Johnny: All right. "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet. "
A divorced woman had been on her own for several months and wasstarting to get extremely horny. She went to the grocery store and while there starting eyeing the bag boy. On the way out to the car she decided to make her move. Leaning over to the boy she whispered," You know, I've got and itchy pussy. . . . " The boy replied, "Well you're gonna have to point it out, ma'am, all those Japanese cars look alike to me!"
A psychology student at a local university was sent on a fieldassignment to evaluate three patients in a local mental hospital. The first patient was locked in his room throwing tennis ballseverywhere. The student asked why, and the patient answered"When I get out of here I going to ba a tennis pro. "The second patient was locked in his room throwing baseballseverywhere. When asked why he said "When I get out of here Igoing to be a professional baseball player. "The student thought he was starting to get the hang of things,until he looked in on the third patient. There locked in themiddle of the room was a naked man, masturbating with a peanuton the end of his penis. The student asked, "I understand aboutthe others, but what are you going to be when you get out of here? ""They're never going to let me out of here," the patientsaid "I'm f**king nuts!"
"Doctor, doctor!" shouted the woman coming into the doctors offfice. "Ithink I'm turning into a man" then the doctor says, " Now hold onlittle lady what makes you think that you're turning into a man? " "Well" said the woman "I'm starting to grow hair on my chest" and thenthe doctor asked, " Well then, how far down your chest is your hairgrowing? " and then she replied, "All the way down to my dick".
A young lawyer, starting up his private practice, was very anxiousto impress potential clients. When he saw the first visitor to hisoffice come through the door, he immediately picked up his phoneand spoke into it," I am sorry, but my workload is so tremendousthat I am not going to be able to look into your problem for atleast a month. I shall have to get back to you then. " He then turnedto the man who had just walked in, and said, "Now, what can I do foryou? " "Nothing," replied the man. "I am here to hook up your phone. "
|Two blondes were recently observed in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. Here is their dialogue:Blonde One: I can't seem to get this door unlocked!Blonde Two: Well, you'd better hurry up and try harder! it's starting to rain, and the top is down!
|A young lawyer, starting up his private practice, was very anxious to impress potential clients. When he saw the first visitor to his office come through the door, he immediately picked up his phone and spoke into it," I'm sorry, but my caseload is so tremendous that I'm not going to be able to look into your problem for at least a month. I'll have to get back to you then. " He then turned to the man who had just walked in, and said, "Now, what can I do for you? " "Nothing," replied the man. "I'm here to hook up your phone. "
|A lawyer was on his cell phone, calling a locksmith. "I locked my keys in my sports car!" said the nervous lawyer. "No problem, I should be there in about an hour," replied the locksmith. "Do you think you can make it a little sooner? " pleaded the lawyer. "My top is down and it? s starting to rain. "
|A farmer was milking his cow. He was just starting to get a good rhythm going when a bug flew into the barn and started circling his head. Suddenly, the bug flew into the cow's ear. The farmer didn't think much about it, until the bug squirted out into his bucket. It went in one ear and out the udder.
|Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked the young MBA fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for? " The candidate said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package. " The HR Person said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette? " The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow!!! Are you kidding? " And the HR Person said, "Certainly, . . . but you started it. "
Two fellas are fishing in a boat under a bridge. One looks up and sees a funeral procession starting across the bridge. He stands up, takes off his cap, and bows his head. The procession crosses the bridge and the man puts on his cap, picks up his rod and reel, and continues fishing. The other guy says, "That was touching. I didn't know you had it in you. " The first guy responds, "Well, I guess it was the thing to do - after all, I was married to her for 40 years. "
Here's a fun tongue twister. Read the following list and then follow the instructions at the end. Read it LOUD and REAL FAST. . . see if you can do it!DON'T read the instructions until you get it right!!!This is this catThis is is catThis is how catThis is to catThis is keep catThis is a catThis is fool catThis is busy catThis is for catThis is forty catThis is seconds cat***********Did ya do it? Now go back up and read the third word in each line starting from the top to the bottom :)
The kid ran out of the burlesque show. The doorman grabbed him and asked what is the matter. The kid said, "My Mama told me if I looked at anything bad I'd turn to stone. . . . and I can feel it starting!"
This guy is just starting off his career as a ventriliquist and he's going around town looking for a job. He finds one at a local nightclub. So, on his first night, he's going through his normal routine of blonde jokes. All of a sudden, this blonde stands up in the fourth row and says, "Excuse me, mister, but no physical attribute of mine affects my mental capability!"The guy is flabbergasted. He stands up and tries to apologize, but is cut off when she says, -"You stay out of this, mister. I'm not talking to you, I'm talking to that jerk on your knee!"
A psychiatrist, who was just starting out, advertised his clinic as follows: "Satisfaction guaranteed or your mania back!"