Two lawyers walking through the woods spotted a vicious-looking bear. The first lawyer immediately opened his briefcase, pulled out a pair of sneakers and started putting them on. The second lawyer looked at him and said, "Are you crazy? You'll never be able to outrun that bear!""I don't have to," the first lawyer replied. "I only have to outrun you. "
A robber was robbing a house when he heard a voice. "Jesus is watching you!" "who's there? " The robber said But no sound was heard. So he kept going and he heard it two more times when he spotted a parrot. "What's your name," the robber asked. "Cocodora" said the parrot. "Now, what kind of idiot would name a bird Cocodora" said the robber. "The same idiot who named the rotweiler Jesus", said the parrot.
One day a man was walking in the woods when he got lost. For two days he roamed around trying to find a way out. He had not eaten anything during this period and wasfamished. Over on a rock ledge he spotted a bald eagle,killed it, and started to eat it. Surprisingly a couple ofpark rangers happen to find him at that moment, andarrested him for killing an endangered species. At court, he plead innocent to the charges against himclaiming that if he didn't eat the bald eagle he wouldhave died from starvation. The judge ruled in his favor. In the judges closing statement he asked the man, "Iwould like you to tell me something before I let you go. I have never eaten a bald eagle, nor ever plan on it. What did it taste like? " The man answered, "Well,it tasted like a cross between a whooping crane and aspotted owl. "
Little Lucy was playing in the garden when she spotted two spidersmating. "Daddy, what are those two spiders doing? " "They're mating, Lucy" he replied. "What do you call the spider on top Daddy? " Lucy asked. "Oh, that's a Daddy Longlegs. Lucy asked, "Oh, so one's a Daddy Longlegs and the other one is aMommy Longlegs? "Daddy replied, "No, both of them are Daddy Longlegs. "Lucy thought for a moment, then took her foot and stamped them flat. Well, we're not having THAT sort of thing in our garden!!"
A kid goes up to his father and says, "Hey, Pop, know how old I am today? "His father says, "No. . . how old? "He says, "I'm eleven!"He goes into the kitchen and says to his grandmother, "Hey, Grandma, knowhow old I am today? "She says, "Come closer. . . "She unzips his jeans and reaches her thin, spotted arm down into hisunderwear. She fondles his genitals for a few minutes and then she says,"You're eleven. "He says, "How could you tell? "She says, "I heard you tell your father. "
A young Indian boy came back to the reservation for a family visit after his first year at college. When his dad asked him about his first year at school, he said: I'm having trouble with people making fun of me, especially my Indian name. How did you come to give your children such odd names"? His father said: "When your brother was born, I looked out the teepee and I saw an eagle flying so I named him Little Eagle and when your sister was born, I looked out the teepee and saw a deer grazing, so I named her spotted fawn. Why do you ask, Two Dogs F*cking"?
Hi Mom. Can I leave the kids with you tonight? You're going out? Yes. With whom? With a friend. I don't know why you left your husband. He is such a good man. I didn't leave him. He left me! You let him leave you, and now you go out with anybodies and nobodies. I do not go out with anybody. Can I bring over the kids? I never left you to go out with anybody except your father. There are lots of things that you did and I don't. What are you hinting at? Nothing. I just want to know if I can bring the kids over tonight. You're going to stay the night with him? What will your husband say if he finds out? My EX husband. I don't think he would be bothered. From the day he left me, he probably never slept alone! So you're going to sleep over at this loser's place? He's not a loser. A man who goes out with a divorced woman with children is a loser and a parasite. I don't want to argue. Should I bring over the kids or not? Poor children with such a mother. Such as what? With no stability. No wonder your husband left you. ENOUGH !!! Don't scream at me. You probably scream at this loser too! Now you're worried about the loser? Ah, so you see he's a loser. I spotted him immediately. Goodbye, mother. Wait! Don't hang up! When are you bringing them over? I'm not bringing them over! I'm not going out! If you never go out, how do you expect to meet anyone?
A pheasant was standing in a field chatting to a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of yonder tree", sighed the pheasant, "but I haven"t got the energy". Well, why don"t you nibble on some of my droppings? " replied the bull. "They"re packed with nutrients". The pheasant pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch and so on. Finally, after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree, whereupon he was spotted by a farmer who dashed into the farmhouse, emerged with a shotgun, and shot the pheasant right out of the tree. Moral of the Story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won"t keep you there.
A lady from California purchased a piece of timber land in Oregon. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted to get a good view of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top,she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the lady slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her private parts. In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor. He listened to her story then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She sat and waited for three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry lady demanded " What took you so long? " and he replied "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area. "
This lady who was living in New York City had to get back toher old country but she was broke. One day she wandered down to the docks and spotted a workergetting ready to load supplies onto a boat. "Please I need to get back to England" she pleaded. "If you sneak me onboard tonight I'll give you favors all the wayacross the ocean. "Well needless to say later that night he put her in a duffel bagand carried her onboard. Down in the hold where she washidden he said, "When I bring you some food, twice a day,I'll collect. " And being true to her word she agreed. This went on for about a week when by accident the captainfound her. "Please don't get angry," she started to say and explained thestory to the captain who busted up laughing. "Why are you laughing? " she demanded. He said, "Because you're on the Statten Island Ferry. "
|Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: "Jesus is watching you!" Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. "Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again. The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot. He asked the parrot: "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me? " "Yes", said the parrot. The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, and asked the parrot: "What's your name? " "Clarence," said the bird. "That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence? " The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiller Jesus. "
|A farmer and his pig were driving down the road when a cop pulled him over. The cop asked the farmer, "Didn't you know it is against the law to ride with a pig in the front of you truck? "The farmer replied, "No, I didn't knowed that. "The cop ask the farmer where he was going and he said, "To Memphis". The cop said, "I will let you off the hook this time if you promise to take the pig to the zoo when you get to Memphis. "So the farmer promised he would. Several days later the cop spotted the farmer with the pig driving down the road and he pulled him over again. The cop said "I thought I told you to take this pig to the zoo when you got to Memphis" and to this the farmer replied "I did and we had so much fun, I'm taking him to the circus. "
|Three Englishmen were in a bar and spotted an Irishman. So, one of the Englishmen walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder, and said, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a drunken loser. ""Oh really, hmm, didn't know that. "Puzzled, the Englishman walked back to his buddies. "I told him St. Patrick was a loser, and he didn't care. " The second Englishman remarked, "You just don't know how to set him off. . . watch and learn. " So, the second Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was lying, cheating, idiotic, low-life scum!""Oh really, hmm, didn't know that. "Shocked beyond belief, the Englishman went back to his buddies. "You're right. He's unshakable!"The third Englishman remarked, "Boys, I'll really tick him off. . . just watch. " So the third Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, "I hear St. Patrick was an Englishman!""Yeah, that's what your buddies were trying to tell me. "
|There was a Packers fan with a really crappy seat at Lambeau. Looking with his binoculars, he spotted an empty seat on the 50-yard line. Thinking to himself "what a waste" he made his way down to the empty seat. When he arrived at the seat, he asked the man sitting next to it, "Is this seat taken? " The man replied, "This was my wife's seat. She passed away. She was a big Packers fan. " The other man replied,"I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. May I ask why you didn't give the ticket to a friend or a relative? " The man replied, "They're all at the funeral. "
|An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman were without tickets for the opening ceremonies of the summer Olympics but hoped to be able to talk their way in at the gate. Security was very tight, however, and each of their attempts was met with a stern refusal. While wandering around outside the stadium, the Englishman came upon construction site, which gave him an idea. Grabbing a length of scaffolding, he presented himself at the gate and said, "Johnson, the pole vault," and was admitted. The Scotsman, overhearing this, went at once to search the site. When he came up with a sledge hammer, he presented himself at the gate and said, "McTavish, the hammer. " He was also admitted. The Irishman combed the site for an hour and was nearly ready to give up when he spotted his ticket in. Seizing a roll of barbed wire, he presented himself at the gate and announced, "O'Sullivan, fencing. "
These are supposedly actual signs that have been found in and around parts of England. Notice in a field: THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES Message on a leaflet: IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS Sign on a repair shop door: WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK) Sign at Norfolk farm gate: BEWARE! I SHOOT EVERY TENTH TRESPASSER AND THE NINTH ONE HAS JUST LEFT Seen during a conference: FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR Outside a photographer's studio: OUT TO LUNCH: IF NOT BACK BY FIVE,OUT FOR DINNER ALSO Spotted in a safari park: ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR
Walking past the Royal Courts of Justice one day, a man spotted a friend of his sitting on the steps outside, sobbing loudly with his head buried in his hands. "What's the matter? " he asked of his friend, "Did your lawyer give you bad advice . . ? " "No - it's worse than that," replied the friend between sobs, " he sold it to me. . . "
Well, a man was driving down a country road, and he decided to get out and get some fresh air. He got out, and started walking in a meadow. As he walked, he came upon a hole. Wanting to see how deep it was, he threw a pebble down. No sound. So he threw a medium-sized rock down. No sound. The man started to get frustrated, so he threw a boulder down. No sound. As he searched about, he spotted a railroad beam. He hauled it over to the hole, and shoved it in. No sound. He sat down on the ground, exhausted. Suddenly, he saw a goat running at him, full speed. He leaped up, and it brushed past him, and fell in the hole. He listened, but there was no sound. He sat down again. A few minutes later, a farmer came walking up. The man asked him, "How deep is this hole? " The farmer said, "Oh. Thats the bottomless pit. It never ends. Say, have you seen my prize goat? "The man, not wanting to get the blame, said, "No. " The farmer said, "Oh well. He can't get far. He was tied to a railroad beam. "
Chatting with a bull, a turkey sighed and said, "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree, but I haven't got the energy. ""Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings? " replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients. "The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, the turkey reached the second branch. Finally, after a week, there he was, proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon, though, the turkey was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey from the tree. Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there!
My 75 year old Dad was taking his daily walk through the park when he heard a tiny voice calling to him. "Hey, mister! Pssst, mister!" Dad looked all around, and spotted a little frog sitting in the grass looking up at him. "Hey mister," said the frog. "A wicked witch cast a spell on me, and turned me into an ugly frog. If you'll just kiss me I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and be forever grateful. "Dad reached down, picked up the frog, put it in his pocket, and proceeded to walk on. The frog called out to him again, "Hey! Didn't you hear me? I said if you'll kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess and be forever grateful. "Dad replied, "I heard you, but at my age, I'd rather just have a talking frog!"