When the boy started Kindergarten, the teacher asked all the children to give their first name. When she got to thelittle boy in the second row, he said: "I'll give you ahint. First it's in your hand, then it's in your mouth,and then it's in your tummy. "The teacher smiled and said: "OK, Dick, sit down. "
The newlyweds arrived at the front desk of the posh ocean-side resort in Hilton Head, South Carolina, looking all fresh, and eager to enjoy their two week vacation/honeymoon. The stunning blonde at the front desk smiled and said, "Well, hi Jimmy, how ya been lover ? Long time no see. " A frosty silence prevailed until the couple reached their room. Once inside, the piqued bride demanded: "And just who was THAT woman ? !? !? " The groom wiped his brow and said, "Just relax honey. Please ! I'm going to have enuff trouble explaining you to her. "
Some time after their bitter divorce, a man happened to pull up alongside his ex-wife at a traffic signal. He shouted over, "So. . . out looking for a little, huh ? " She smiled sweetly and said, "No, I had 6 years of that with you. I'm out looking for a lot !!!"
On their honeymoon night, the burly groom took off his pants and asked his bride to put them on. The waist alone was twice her body. She said, "I can't wear your pants. " "That's right," intoned the groom, "And don't you forget it. I'm the one who wears the pants in the family. " The bride took off her panties and asked her husband to try it on. "No way. I can't get into your panties. " he said. "That's right. And that's the way it'll be until you change your attitude. " she said and smiled.
The young widow was kneeling at her husband's grave tending to the weeds, when she felt the grass rustle beneath her skirt. She smiled and said "Easy sweetheart, you're dead now ya know. "
Pappy sees Elmer walking with a lantern and asks, "Where ya going boy? "The son smiled and replied, "I'm a-going courting Peggy-Sue. "The Father said, "When I went a-courtin', I didn't need me no dang lantern. ""Sure Pa, I know. " the boy said. "And look what you got !"
A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The wife decided to make a wish, too. But she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The husband was stunnedfor a while but then smiled and said, "It really works!"
The middle aged secretary had never been married and had had enuff of work, as well as the single life. It was no secret that she was looking to get married. As she came back from her lunch hour with another bag from the drug store, a co-worker said, "In the past 3 weeks you've bought enough birth control pills to last a year, lots of vaginal foam, flavored douches, several diaphragms and Lord knows how many condoms. And you don't even have a boyfriend. Whom are you trying to seduce ? " She smiled slyly and replied, "The Druggist, silly. "
"Miss Jones, we can't employ you as a model," the editor from themen's magazine explained. "It's too obvious that your blonde hairisn't natural, since the hair between your legs is black. " The model picked up a paperweight and slammed it down on the editor'sfingers. "What the hell did you do that for!" he exploded. She smiled sweetlyand said, "Look at your fingers. They're turning black, right? Andthey've only been banged once. "
A tiny but dignified old lady was among a group looking at an art exhibition in a newly opened gallery. Suddenly one contemporary painting caught her eye. "What on earth," she inquired of the artist standing nearby, "is that? "He smiled condescendingly. "That, my dear lady, is supposed to be a mother and her child. ""Well, then," snapped the little old lady, "why isn't it? "
A little old lady walked into the bank, cashed a small check, and started out. Passing the armed guard, she smiled and said, "You can go home now. "
An elderly lady was stopped to pull into a parking space when a youngman in his new red Mercedes went around her and parked in the space shewas waiting for. The little old lady was so upset that she went up tothe man and said, "I was going to park there!" The man was a real smartaleck and he said, "That's what you can do when you're young andbright. "Well, this really upset the lady even more, so she got in her car andbacked it up and then she stomped on the gas and plowed right into hisMercedes. The young man ran back to his car and asked, "What did you dothat for? " The little old lady smiled and told him, "That's what you can do when you're old and rich!"
The politician was sitting at his campaign headquarters when the phone rang. He listened intently, and after a moment his face brightened. When he hung up, he immediately phoned his mother to tell her the good news. "Ma," he shouted, "the results are in. I won the election!" "Honestly? " The politician's smiled faded. "Aw hell, ma, why bring that up at a time like this? "
Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a prettygirl asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost? ""Only one kiss per yard, " replied the smirking male clerk. "That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards. "With expectation and anticipation written all over his face,the clerk hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, thenheld it out teasingly. The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little oldman standing beside her. "Grandpa will pay the bill," she smiled.
|As we stood in formation at the Pensacola Naval Air Station, our Flight Instructor said, "All right! All you dummies fall out. " As the rest of the squad wandered away, I remained at attention. The instructor walked over until he was eye-to-eye with me, and then just raised a single eyebrow. I smiled and said, "Sure was a lot of 'em, huh sir? "
|When asked for her occupation, a woman charged with a traffic violation said she was a schoolteacher. The judge rose from the bench. "Madam, I have waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court," he smiled with delight. "Now sit down at that table and write 'I will not pass through a red light' five hundred times. "
Father: (at hospital looking through glass at newly arrived babies) "Kitchy kitchy koo. Look, she smiled. . . isn't she adorable? " Friend: "But your kid didn't smile. " Father: "I was talking about the nurse. "
The next door neighbor of a middle-aged wife came over to inform her that her retired husband was chasing around after young prostitutes. The woman smiled, "So what? "The neighbor was surprised, "It doesn't bother you that he's running around with those women? "The woman replied, "I also have a little dog who chases cars and buses, too. "
"I'm worried," said the woman to her sex therapist. "I happened to find my daughter and the little boy next door both naked and examining each other's bodies. ""That's not unusual," smiled the therapist. "I wouldn't worry about it. ""But I am worried, doctor," insisted the woman, "and so is my daughter's husband!"
A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made awish and threw in a penny. The wife decided to make a wish, too. But she leaned over too much,fell into the well, and drowned. The husband was stunned for a whilebut then smiled and said. . . "Cool!. . . It really works"!