A young blonde girl goes to the doctor for a physical. The doctor puts his stethoscope up to the girl's chest and says, 'Big breaths. . . ' The girl replies, 'Yeth and I'm not even thixteen. '
Little Johnny says to his mother " Mommy, I have to go and tinkle. " The mother replies back " Would you like Mommy to take you? ". Little Johnny says " No let grandma . . . her hand shakes! "
A black guy walks into a tavern with a parrot on his shoulder. . . thebartender looks up and says " where the hell did you get that thing? The Parrot replies " Over in Africa, there's millions of them " !!!!
A man eating at restaurant says to his waiter, 'waiter, there's a fly in my soup!' The waiter replies, 'That, sir, is entirely possible, you see our cook used to be a tailor. '
A woman enters a butcher shop and asks the counter assistant,"Do you have pigs ears? "The counter assistant replies,"No, its just the way my hair is parted!"
A man goes into a doctor's office and says "Doctor! Doctor! I have fivepenises!"The doctor says,"Good lord! How do your pants fit? "The man replies, "Like a glove. "
A woman asks: "Why don't men get mad cow disease? "Another woman replies: "Because men are pigs!"
|A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says. The bartender promptly serves up a beer. "How much will that be? " asks the neutron. "For you? " replies the bartender, "no charge"
|A seal walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender asks the seal, "What's your pleasure? "The seal replies, "Anything but Canadian Club. "
|A golf club walks into a local bar and asks the barman for a pint of beer. The barman refuses to serve him. "Why not," asks the golf club. "You'll be driving later," replies the bartender.
|A businessman tells his friend that his company is looking for a new accountant. His friend asks, "Didn't your company hire a new accountant a few weeks ago? "The businessman replies, "That's the accountant we're looking for. "
|Two musicians are walking down the street, and one says to the other, "Who was that piccolo I saw you with last night? " The other replies, "That was no piccolo, that was my fife. "
The teacher asked little Johnny to use the word " definitely " in a sentence. Little Johnny replies, "Teacher, do farts have lumps in them? " The Teacher says, "Of course not Johnny," To which Johnny replies, "Then I have definitely s**t my pants".
A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for abeer? "The bartender replies, "For you, no charge. "
A woman and her daughter go to the store to get the daughter a Barbie. At the store, the daughter asks the lady working at the store if Barbie comes with Ken. She replies, "Oh no, Barbie only cums with GI Joe, she just fakes it with Ken. "
Man says to God, "God, why did you make woman so beautiful? " God says, "So you would love her. ""But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb? " God replies, "So she would love you. "
A woman tells her friend, "My husband is an angel. "Her friend replies, "You're lucky, mine is still alive. "
A neutron walks into a bar, and asks for a drink. The bartender serves it up, and the neutron asks, "Hey - how much? "Bartender replies, "For you - no charge!"
There was a blonde driving a ferrari. A cop pulls her over forspeeding, the cop asks," can I see your license and registrationplease!"The blonde responds, "license and registration what is that? "The cop respnds," you will find your license in your purse andregistration in your glove compartment. "The cop gets the license and registration and goes back to the car,and he calls dispatcher and reports it. The dispatcher replies,"this wouldnt be a blonde in a ferrari would it? " The cop replies,"yes it is. " The dispatcher says, "go back to her car and drop yourpants. "The cop responds back,"I cant do that!" The dispatcher says, "trustme, just do it!" then the cop replies,"ok whatever you say!"So he walks back to her car, and drops his pants. The blonde turnsaround and says, "oh no, not another breathalizer test!"
A guy goes into a supermarket and buys: * one tin of beans * one bag of chips * one pack of burgers * one tub of ice cream * one cake * one case of beer * one pint of milk. He takes them over to the checkout, and the girl looks at what he has bought and asks if he is single. The guy replies sarcastically, "Yes. However did you guess? "The girl replies: "Simple. . . You are one ugly bastard!"