Dear Friends, I have been watching you very closely to see if you have been good this year and since you have I will be telling my elves to make some goodies for me to leave under your tree at Christmas I was going to bring you all gifts from the 12 days of Christmas, but we had a little problem. The 12 fiddlers fiddling have all come down with VD from fiddling with the 10 ladies dancing, the 11 lords leaping have knocked up the 8 maids a-milking, and the 9 pipers-piping have been arrested for doing weird things to the 7 swans a-swimming The 6 geese a-laying, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves and the partridge in a pear tree have me up to my sled runners in bird shit. On top of all this! Mrs. Claus is going through menopause, 8 of my reindeer are in heat, the elves have joined the gay liberation and some people who can't read a calendar have scheduled Christmas for the 5th of January. Maybe next year I will be able to get my shit together and bring you the things you want. This year I suggest you get your asses down to Walmart before everything is gone. Love, Santa
Is There a Santa Claus? As a result of an overwhelming lack of requests, and with research help fromthat renown scientific journal SPY magazine (January, 1990) - I am pleased topresent the annual scientific inquiry into Santa Claus. 1) No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species ofliving organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insectsand germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santahas ever seen. 2) There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish andBuddhist cihldren, that reduces the workload to to 15% of the total - 378million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census)rate of 3. 5 children per household, that's 91. 8 million homes. One presumesthere's at least one good child in each. 3) Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the differenttime zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west(which seemes logical). This works out to 822. 6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santahas 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down thechimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under thetree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get backinto the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these91. 8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course,we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept),we are now talking about . 78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least onceevery 31 hours, plus feeding etc. This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-madevehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27. 4 miles persecond - a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour. 4) The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assumingthat each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2 pounds),the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariablydescribed as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no morethan 300 pounds. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see point #1) couldpull TEN TIMES the normal anount, we cannot do the job with eight, or evennine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not evencounting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison - this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth. 5) 353,000 tons travelling at 650 miles per second creates enourmous airresistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion asspacecrafts re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeerwill absorb 14. 3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short,they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeerbehind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4. 26 thousandths of asecond. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500. 06times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim)would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force. In conclusion - If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he'sdead now.
|One evening, in a busy lounge in the deep south, a reindeer walked in the door, bellied up to the bar and ordered a martini. Without batting an eye, the bartender mixed and poured the drink, set it in front of the reindeer, and accepted the twenty-dollar bill from the reindeer's hoof. As he handed the reindeer some coins in change, he said, "You know, I think you're the first reindeer I've ever seen in here. " The reindeer looked hard at the hoofful of change and said, "Hmmmpf. Let me tell you something, buddy. At these prices, I'm the last reindeer you'll see in here. "
|What do reindeer say before telling you a joke ? This one will sleigh you ! Why is a reindeer like a gossip ? Because they are both tail bearers ! Why do reindeer wear fur coats ? Because they would look silly in plastic macs ! How do you make a slow reindeer fast ? Don't feed it ! Why did the reindeer wear black boots ? Because his brown ones were all muddy ! How long should a reindeer's legs be ? Just long enough to reach the ground ! Why did the reindeer wear sunglasses at the beach ? Because he didn't want to be recognised ! Which reindeer have the shortest legs ? The smallest ones ! Where do you find reindeer ? It depends on where you leave them ! What do reindeer have that no other animals have ? Baby reindeer !
|What do you get if you cross Father Christmas with a detective? Santa Clues!Father Christmas win a saucepan in a competition. Now thats what you call pot luck!What do the reindeer sing to Father Christmas on his birthday ? Freeze a jolly good fellow ! What do you call a man who claps at Christmas ? Santapplause ! Twinkle Twinkle chocolate barSanta drives a rusty carPress the starterPress the chokeOff he goes in a cloud of smoke ! Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas ? Santa Jaws ! Why does Father Christmas like to work in the garden ? Because he likes to hoe, hoe, hoe ! Why is a cat on a beach like Christmas ? Because they both have "Sandy claws" ! What does Father Christmas call his money ? Iced lolly ? What's Father Christmas called when he takes a rest while delivering presents ? Santa pause !
|8. Kid's letter to north pole comes back stamped, "Dream on, Chester!"7. Kid asks for new bike, gets pack of smokes6. Along with presents, Santa leaves hefty bill for shipping and handling. 5. By the time he gets to your house, all he has left is foam packing. 4. Christmas day, your kid wakes up with a Reindeer head in his bed. 3. Instead of "Naughty" or "Nice", Santa has him on the stupid list2. Labels on all your kid's toys read "Straight from Craptown. "1. Four words: "Off my lap, Tubby!"
|Signs You're Sick of the Holidays8. You've got red and green bags under your eyes 7. You're serving reindeer pot pie 6. When you hear, "Sleigh bells ring, are you listenin'? ," you scream, "No! I'm not listening!" 5. You climb on your roof and start shooting carolers with your air gun 4. You think you hear your Christmas tree taunting you. 3. Instead of spending time with family, you're watching some guy make photo copies 2. You've got eggnog coming out of your ears 1. Two words: tinsel rash
|'Twas the night before Christmas and all round my hips were Fannie May candies that sneaked past my lips. Fudge brownies were stored in the freezer with care in hopes that my thighs would forget they were there. While Mama in her girdle and I in chin straps had just settled down to sugar-borne naps. When out in the pantry there arose such a clatter I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter. Away to the kitchen I flew like a flash tore open the icebox then threw up the sash. The marshmallow look of the new-fallen snow sent thoughts of a binge to my body below. When what to my wandering eyes should appear: a marzipan Santa with eight chocolate reindeer! That huge chunk of candy so luscious and slick I knew in a second that I'd wind up sick. The sweet-coated Santa, those sugared reindeer I closed my eyes tightly but still I could hear; On Pritzker, on Stillman, on weak one, on TOPS a Weight Watcher dropout from sugar detox. From the top of the scales to the top of the hall now dash away pounds now dash away all. Dressed up in Lane Bryant from my head to nightdress my clothes were all bulging from too much excess. My droll little mouth and my round little belly they shook when I laughed like a bowl full of jelly. I spoke not a word but went straight to my work ate all of the candy then turned with a jerk. And laying a finger beside my heartburn I gave a quick nod toward the bedroom I turned. I eased into bed, to the heavens I cry if temptation's removed I'll get thin by and by. And I mumbled again as I turned for the night in the morning I'll starve . . . 'til I take that first bite.
|With the number of airline disasters lately, the FAA now sends an inspector to the North Pole to check out Santa Claus's sleigh before allowing him to fly on Christmas eve. The inspector arrives and checks the reindeer and they look good, he checks the harness and it looks okay, he checks the sleigh and it is also okay. Then he says, "Santa, lets take it up for a check ride and if everything looks good I'll certify you to fly. "Santa hitches the reindeer up and taxis onto the runway and just as he's starting his takeoff roll he looks over and notices the inspector has a pump shotgun on his lap. "Hey! Whats the shotgun for!? " Santa yells. The inspector says, "Well, Santa, I'm really not supposed to tell you this, but there is going to be an engine failure on takeoff. "
Santa's Reindeer are girls and here's the proof:According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer, each year male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring. Therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer,every single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen . . . had to be a girl!We should've known. Only women would be able to drag a fatman in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night, and not get lost!
December 26, 1999Dear Santa,You must be surprised that I'm writing to you today, the 26th of December. Well I would very much like to clear up certain things that have occurred since the beginning of the month, when, filled with illusion, I wrote you my letter. I asked for a bicycle, an electric train set, a pair of roller blades, and a football uniform. I destroyed my brain studying the whole year. Not only was I the first in my class, but I had the best grades in the whole school. I'm not going to lie to you, there was no one in my entire neighborhood that behaved better than me, with my parents, my brothers, my friends, and with my neighbors. I would go on errands, and even help the elderly cross the street. There was virtually nothing within reach that I would not do for humanity. What balls do you have leaving me a fucking yo-yo, a stupid whistle, and a pair of socks? What the fuck were you thinking you fat son of a bitch? !That you have taken me for a sucker the whole fucking year to come out with some shit like this under the tree. As if you hadn't fucked me enough, you gave that little faggot across the street so many toys that he can't even walk into his house. Don't let me see you trying to fit your big ass down my chimney next year. I'll fuck you up. I'll throw rocks at those stupid reindeer and scare them away so you'll have to walk back to the fucking North Pole, just like what I have to do now since you didn't get me that fucking bike. FUCK YOU SANTA. Next year you'll find out how bad I can be, you FAT-SON-OF-A-BITCH!Sincerely,Little Johnny
One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip . . . but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress. Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. Frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hid the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from. Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa. Isn't it just a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Isn't it just a lovely tree? Where would you like me to stick it? "Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
What do elves learn in school? The ELF-abet. How many reindeer does Santa have? 11 (named below):Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen,Rudolph (the one with the red nose),Olive (all of the other reigndeer)and Al (Then Al the reigndeer loved him all). What nationality is Santa Claus? North PolishWhat kind of bird can write? A PEN-guinWhy does Santa's sled get such good mileage? Because it has long distance-runners on each side. Why does Scrooge love Rudolph-the red-nosed reindeer? Beacuse every buck is dear to him. What do you get if you deep-fry Santa Claus? Crisp CringleWhat did the ghosts say to Santa Claus? We'll have a "boo" Christmas without you. ELF#1: What did Santa shout to his toys on Christmas Eve? ELF#2: "OKay everyone, sack time!"If athletes get athlete's foot, what do astronauts get? Missletoe!!!!!
How come you never hear anything about the 10th reindeer "Olive"? Olive ? Yeah, you know, "Olive the other reindeer, used to laugh and callhim names"
What do the female reindeer do when Santa takes the male reindeer out on Christmas Eve? They go into town, and blow a few bucks.
A Polak wanted to join an amateur baseball team. The coach looked him over and decided to give him a chance. "I will give you three questions," said the coach. "If you come back in a week and answer them all correctly, you're on the team. ""Fair enough!" said the Polak eagerly. The coach proceeded, "Here are your questions. First, how many days are there in a week that start with the letter 'T'? Second, how many seconds are there in a year? And third, how many d's are there in 'Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer? '"Next week, the Polak came back, feeling all confident that he knew the right answers. So again the coach said, "So how many days in the week that start with 'T'? "The Polak said, "Two!""Very good!" said the coach. And what are they? ""Today and Tomorrow!""Hmm. . . OK," said the coach. "How many seconds are there in a year? ""Twelve!""Twelve? How did you come up with twelve? " The coach was perplexed. "Well," said the Polak, "there's the second of January, the second of February, the second of. . . ""Um. . OK," broke in the coach. "How many d's in 'Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer? '""Oh, that is easy!" laughed the Polak. "Three hundred and sixty-five!""WHAT? " cried the coach. "How did you get that figure? "To which the Polak sang, "dee dee dee-dee-dee dee-dee. . . . "
Top 10 signs Santa doesn't like your kid:10. Kid's letter to North Pole comes back stamped, "Dream on, Chester!"9. Kid asks for new bike, gets pack of smokes8. Along with presents, Santa leaves hefty bill for shipping and handling7. By the time he gets to your house, all he has left are styrofoam peanuts6. Christmas day, your kid wakes up with a reindeer head in his bed5. Instead of "naughty" or "nice," Santa has him on the "dork" list4. Sends him off on one of them Carnival cruises with Kathie Lee3. First words when kid gets on his lap are, "Touch my beard and I'll put the hurt on you!"2. Labels on all your kid's toys read "Straight from Craptown"1. Four words: "Off my lap, Tubby!"
On Christmas Eve Santa Claus was getting ready for his annual trip. As he pulled his favorite pair of red pants on, they ripped. So, he had to take them off and put on another pair, which was a bit too tight. He then went to check on the rest of the preparations. The elves were on strike. The reindeer had shin-splints. At this point, Santa was BUMMED. He went into the kitchen to take a calming drink, and the bottle was EMPTY. Now he was really mad. All of sudden, there was a knock at the door. Santa, in his angry state, ignored it. There was another knock. Santa was in no mood for all of this. When the knock came again, Santa --filled with rage-- threw open the door. Standing there was a little angel who said, "Hi Santa! What do you want me to do with this Christmas Tree? " Hence. . . the story of the Angel atop the tree.
Why are sheep always in a field? Because they can't get out !Who gives my cat his Christmas presents? Santa Paws!Who gives my other cat his Christmas presents? Santa Claws!What did the hat say to the scarf? You hang around while i go ahead!Whats the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman? Snowballs!What did mary say to santa during the storm? Look at that rain, dear!Where do plumbers buy there presents? Bath!Why is it best to park your car near the moon? Because there is a lot of space!What is the use of reindeer? It makes the garden grow sweetie!How many legs does rudolph have? Four? No, six. - he's got forelegs and two back legs!What game do six reindeer play in the back of a mini? Squash!Why did the reindeer take his nose apart? To see what made it run!What do you call a reindeer that has a number on its tail? Reg!Did you hear the story of the 3 reindeer? No. Oh deer, Oh deer, Oh deerWhy do reindeers have wrinkled ankles? Because they lace there boot too tight!What did santa give the death fisherman for christmas? A herring aid!Whats the worst thing to get for christmas? Measles!Where is the best place to buy your dog a christmas present? Leeds!Where does noddy do his christmas shopping? Redcar!Where does the queen do her christmas shopping? Newcastle!What happens if you get too hot at a football match? Sit a bit closer to one of the fans.
Did you ever hear about Blitzen the Brown nosed reindeer? He is twice as fast as Rudolf but doesn't stop as quick!