A lawyer and a physician had a dispute over precedence. They referred it to Diogenes, who gave it in favor of the lawyer as follows:"Let the thief go first, and the executioner follow. "
After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough (they could not afforda larger double-wide). So, the husband went to his doctor (who also treated mules) and told himthat he and his wife/cousin didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem. The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in 'Bama), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me. " So, the couple drove to Georgia to get a second opinion. The Georgia physician was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed that they were from Alabama. This doctor instead told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beercan, hold it to his ear and count to 10. Figuring that both learned physicians couldn't be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count. "1, 2, 3, 4, 5 . . . . ", at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand. . .
The medics rush Mr. Steinberg to the hospital in the middle of the night, apparently with a massive heart attack. The doctors work on him all night and morning and finally discharge him to ICU, where therapy continues. In a couple of days Mr. Steinberg's physician comes into his room and says, "Sol, I'm happy to tell you that you are completely well. You have the heart function that you did when you were a fifteen-year-old lad. We're going to send you home tomorrow. You don't have to worry about your heart; do any physical exercise that you like. " Mr. Steinberg goes home and that evening is talking with his wife: "Doris, you'll never believe it: I'm completely well. I have no worries with my heart. Tonight, Darling, you and I are going to make love like you've never had before, wild, passionate sex. . . . you'll love it!"Doris thinks for a minute and says, "I don't know, Sol. I've heard about active sex and heart conditions. I don't want it to be on my head if you croak while we are making love. Maybe, just maybe, if your doctor wrote a note to me saying that everything was OK. . . maybe I would have such sex with you. . . . " Mr. Steinberg was dejected, but the next day he was in his doctor's office; his doctor tells him, "Sure, sure, Sol, no problem, I'll write the note. Let's see, here's my prescription pad: "Mr. Sol Steinberg, a patient of mine, has the heart function of a fifteen-year-old lad and can have mad, passionate, adventurous sex any time that he so desires, signed, Dr. Aaron Katz. . . . . . . Now, I'll just address this. . . . . . . By the way, Sol, what's your wife's first name? " "Uh, Doctor, could you just make that, 'To Whom It May Concern"?
A man goes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches. When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that hispoor patient has had practically every therapy known to man for hismigraines and STILL no improvement. "Listen," says the Doctor, "I have migraines, too and the advice I'mgoing to give you isn't really anything I learned in medical school,but it's advice that I've gotten from my own experience. When I havea migraine, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for awhile. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I canstand, especially around the forehead. This helps a little. Then Iget out of the tub, take her into the bedroom, and even if my head iskilling me, I force myself to have sex with her. Almost always, theheadache is immediately gone. Now, give it a try, and come back andsee me in six weeks. "Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin. "Doc! I tookyour advice and it works! It REALLY WORKS! I've had migraines for17 years and this is the FIRST time anyone has ever helped me!""Well," says the physician, "I'm glad I could help. ""By the way, Doc," the patient adds, "you have a REALLY nice house. "
During her annual checkup, the well-constructed miss was asked to disrobe and climb onto the examining table. "Doctor," she replied shyly, "I just can't undress in front of you. ""All right," said the physician, "I'll flick off the lights. You undress and tell me when you're through. "In a few moments, her voice rang out in the darkness: "Doctor, I've undressed. What shall I do with my clothes? ""Put them on the chair, on top of mine. "
A man comes to a doctor and, twitching his fingers and stuttering,finally manages to say, "Doctor, I have a sexual performance problem. Can you help me? ""Oh, that's not a problem for us men anymore!" announces a proudphysician, "They just came out with this new wonder drug, Viagra, thatdoes the trick! You take some pills, and your problems are history. "So the doctor gives the man a prescription and sends him on his merryway. A couple of months later, the doctor runs into his patient on thestreet. "Doctor, Doctor!" exclaims the man excitedly, "I've got tothank you! This drug is a miracle! It's wonderful! I've had sexfourteen times in eight days!""Well, I'm glad to hear that" says the pleased physician, "What doesyour wife think about it? ""Wife? " asks the man, "I haven't even been home yet!"
Mrs. Ogden went to her doctor and said "Please give me aprescription for the Pill. ""I don't think you need the Pill at your age. ""It relaxes me. ""But you know the 'purpose' of the Pill. It's not forrelaxing," exclaimed the physician. "I know," said Mrs Ogden, "but my daughter dates, and everymorning I drop one in her orange juice. Believe me, I feelmore relaxed.
A woman visits her physician. After waiting for a while it's finally her turn. She enters the doctors' office and sits down. The PhD asks her: "Well, what can I do for you madam? ". The patient blushes and the PhD sees that apparently she is embarrassed so he says: "You can discuss any matter with me, everything is strictly confidential. "So the patient says: "My husband complains that my pussy smells bad, is there a cure for this? ""Sure", the doctor says, "It can be a fungus, or a little infection, nothing unusual, please undress and lay down, so I can examine you andprescribe a treatment. "The woman undresses, gets up the bed and with her legs spread waits until the doctor attends her. He comes in, walks towards here, starts gasping for air, covers his mouth and nose with a hand and runs out of the office. After a minute or so, he enters again, covering his mouth and nose with one hand an a 7 feet wooden stick with an iron hook on it in the other hand. "Aaaaaaaaaaaaagh, what will you do to me? " shouts the patient. "Nothing", says the doctor, "I'm just going to open the roof window a little. "
A man went to see his doctor because he was suffering from a miserablecold. His doctor prescribed some pills, but they didn't help. On his next visit the doctor gave him a shot, but that didn't do any good. On his third visit the doctor told the man to go home and take a hotbath. As soon as he was finished bathing he was to throw open all thewindows and stand in the draft. "But doc," protested the patient, "if I do that, I'll get pneumonia. ""I know," said his physician. "I can cure pneumonia. "
One day Clinton goes to the bathroom, pulls down his pants,and much to his amazement, he finds a red ring around hispenis. So the next day he goes to his physician and the doctorsays, "I cant figure out what it is. So I'll give you some medicine, and if it doesn't work, come back. Ill give yousomething else. " So clinton takes the perscription and takes the pills as directed and comes back in 2 weeks. The physician then hands him a different prescription and he comes back in3 weeks this time. Then, instead of giving him a prescriptionhe gives him a small tube-like capsule. The doctor says,"Rub this around the offending circle and come back tomorrow. Clinton returns the next day and starts shouting, "Wow! That stuff wasterriffic doc! What was thast concoction? It worked great!"The docter then calmly replied; Lipstick remover. Sent by Bradley
|A man woke up in a hospital bed and called for his doctor. He asked, "Give it to me straight. How long have I got? " The physician replied that he doubted that the man would survive the night. The man then said, "Call for my lawyer. " When the lawyer arrived, the man asked for his physician to stand on one side of the bed, while the lawyer stood on the other. The man then laid back and closed his eyes. When he remained silent for several minutes, the physician asked what he had in mind. The man replied "Jesus died with a thief on either side. I just thought I'd check out the same way. "
|A physician, an engineer, and an attorney were discussing who among them belonged to the oldest of the three professions represented. The physician said, "Remember, on the sixth day God took a rib from Adam and fashioned Eve, making him the first surgeon. Therefore, medicine is the oldest profession. "The engineer replied, "But, before that, God created the heavens and earth from chaos and confusion, and thus he was the first engineer. Therefore, engineering is an older profession than medicine. "Then, the lawyer spoke up. "Yes," he said, "But who do you think created all of the chaos and confusion? "
|As Mr. Smith was on his death bed, he attempted to formulate a plan that would allow him to take at least some of his considerable wealth with him. He called for the three men he trusted most--his lawyer, his doctor, and his clergyman. He told them, "I'm going to give you each $30,000 in cash before I die. At my funeral, I want you to place the money in my coffin so that I can try to take it with me. "All three agreed to do this and were given the money. At the funeral, each approached the coffin in turn and placed an envelope inside. While riding in the limousine back from the cemetery, the clergyman said, "I have to confess something to you fellows. Brother Smith was a good churchman all his life, and I know he would have wanted me to do this. The church needed a new baptistery very badly, and I took $10,000 of the money he gave me and bought one. I only put $20,000 in the coffin. "The physician then said, "Well, since we're confiding in one another, I might as well tell you that I didn't put the full $30,000 in the coffin either. Smith had a disease that could have been diagnosed sooner if I had this very new machine, but the machine cost $20,000 and I couldn't afford it then. I used $20,000 of the money to buy the machine so that I might be able to save another patient. I know that Smith would have wanted me to do that. "The lawyer then said, "I'm ashamed of both of you. When I put my envelope into that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000. "
As Mr. Smith was on his death bed, he attempted to formulate a plan that would allow him to take at least some of his considerable wealth with him. He called for the three men he trusted most his lawyer, his doctor, and his clergyman. He told them, "I'm going to give you each $30,000 in cash before I die. At my funeral, I want you to place the money in my coffin so that I can try to take it with me. " All three agreed to do this and were given the money. At the funeral, each approached the coffin in turn and placed an envelope inside. While riding in the limousine to the cemetery, the clergyman said "I have to confess something to you fellows. Brother Smith was a good churchman all his life, and I know he would have wanted me to do this. The church needed a new baptistery very badly, and I took $10,000 of the money he gave me and bought one. I only put $20,000 in the coffin. " The physician then said, "Well, since we're confiding in one another, I might as well tell you that I didn't put the full $30,000 in the coffin either. Smith had a disease that could have been diagnosed sooner if I had this very new machine, but the machine cost $20,000 and I couldn't afford it then. I used $20,000 of the money to buy the machine so that I might be able to save another patient. I know that Smith would have wanted me to do that. " The lawyer then said, "I'm ashamed of both of you. When I put my envelope into that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000. "
A physician claims these are actual comments from his patients made while he was performing colonoscopies: 1. "Take it easy, Doc, you're boldly going where no man has gone before. " 2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet? " 3. "Can you hear me NOW? " 4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? " 5. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married. " 6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief? " 7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out. You do the Hokey Pokey. . . . " 8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!" 9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must acquit!" 10. "Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity. " 11. "Could you write me a note for my wife, saying that my head is not, in fact, up there? "
When Ralph first noticed that his penis was growing larger and staying erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife. But after several weeks his penis had grown to nearly twenty inches. Ralph became quite concerned, so he and his wife went to see a prominent urologist. After an initial examination, the physician explained to the couple that, though rare, Ralph's condition could be cured through corrective surgery. "How long will Ralph be on crutches? " the wife asked anxiously. "Crutches? Why would he need crutches? " responded the surprised doctor. "Well," said the wife coldly, "You ARE planning to lengthen Ralph's legs, aren't you ? "
Who needs a man!. . . My dog growls at me every morning, my parrot swears all afternoon, my fireplace smokes a lot, my cat slinks home in the early morning hours, and I have a physician who looks me over regularly.
I just bought some Gravol for my kids. It's even called "Gravol for Children". It has dosage information for children 2 to under 6 years, and for children 6 to under 12 years. There is no dosage information for anybody older than 12 years old. But there is the following:Caution: Do not exceed the recommended dosage. May cause drowsiness. Avoid driving a motor vehicle or performing tasks requiring mental alertness. Avoid alcoholic beverages. Do not take if you have: glaucoma, chronic lung disease, difficulty in urination due to an enlargement of the prostate gland, or if you are pregnant or breast-feeding unless directed by a physician. [and some other cautions not quite so inappropriate]I had to take it back - my chain smoking, alcoholic, pregnant, car driving 6-year-old daughter couldn't take them!
Two country doctors out in the hills of West Virginia were discussing the population explosion in the world. One physician says, "Why, Bubba, thiseyer crazy birth thang isa gettin' so bad that perty soon, they ain't gonna be room for ever'body! There'sa gonna be standin' room only on this here planet!"The other doctor replied, "Heck, that sure oughta slow 'em down a bit!"
Gravely ill, the Skipper was examined by a doctor while his wife stood by. After the examination the physician motioned for her to meet him in the hallway. "Your husband is very sick," the doctor said. "Still, you can do three things to ensure his survival. First, fix him three healthy meals a day. Next, give him a stress-free environment and don't complain about anything. Finally, have sex and oral sex with him every day. "The doctor left and the woman returned to her husband's room. "What did the doctor say? " he asked. "I'm sorry, m'dear," she said, "but he said you're not going to make it. "