As a sergeant in a parachute regiment I took part in serveral night timeexcersises. Once, I was seated next to a Lieutenant fresh from Jump School. He was quiet sad looked a bit pale so I struck up a conversation. "Scared, Lieutenant? ", I asked. He replied, "No, just a bit apperhensive. "I asked, "What's the diffrence? ? "He replied, "That means I'm scared with a university education. "
A young soldier was making his first parachute jump. The corporal explained the procedure "You count toten and pull the first ripcord. If the chute doesn'topen, pull the second. That should do it. Then, afteryou land, there'll be a truck waiting to pick you up. "The soldier checked his gear, called out the customary"Geronimo!" and jumped out of the plane. He counted toten and pulled the ripcord. The chute failed to open. He pulled the second ripcord and the chute still didn'topen. As he plummeted downward, he said, "I'll bet thatgoddamn truck won't be there either!"
|A man jumps out of an airplane with a parachute on his back. As he's falling, he realizes hiss chute is broken. He doesn't know anything about parachutes, but as the earth rapidly approaches, he realizes his options are limited; he takes off the parachute and tries to fix it himself on the way down. The wind is ripping past his face, he's dropping like a rock, and at 5000 feet, another man goes shooting up past him. In desperation, the man with the chute looks up and yells, "Hey do you know anything about parachutes? !"The guy flying up looks down and yells, "No, do you know anything about gas stoves? !"
|A pilot, Michael Jordon, Bill Gates, the Pope, and a pizza delivery man were all in a plane together traveling through stormy conditions. Suddenly, the pilot came running back to the passengers and announced that lightning had hit the plane, and they were going to crash in a matter of minutes. "There are only enough parachutes for four of the five of us," he announced. "Since I'm the pilot, I get one!" After saying this, the pilot grabbed a parachute and jumped out of the plane. "I'm the world's greatest athlete," proclaimed Michael Jordon. "This world needs great athletes, so I must live. " Michael Jordon then grabbed a parachute and leaped out of the plane. "I'm the smarest man in the world," bragged Bill Gates. "The world needs smart men, so I must also live!" Bill Gates grabbed a parachute and jumped out of the plane. At this point, the Pope began to speak. "I have lived a long life compared to you, and you may take the last parachute. I will go down with the plane. ""You don't have to stay here! The world's smartest man jumped out of the plane with my backpack. "
|'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the skies,Air defenses were up, with electronic eyes. Combat pilots were nestled in ready-room beds,As enemy silhouettes danced in their heads. Every jet on the apron, each SAM in its tube,Was triply-redundant, linked to the Blue Cube,And ELINT and AWACS gave coverage so denseThat nothing that flew could slip through our defense. When out of the klaxon arose such a clatterI dashed to the screen to see what was the matter;I increased the gain and then, quick as a flash,Fine-adjusted the filters to damp out the hash. And there found the source of the warning we'd heeded:An incoming blip, by eight escorts preceded. "Alert status red!" went the word down the wire,As we gave every system the codes that meant "FIRE!"On Aegis! Up Patriot, Phalanx and Hawk,And scramble our fighters--let's send the whole flock. Launch decoys and missiles, use chaff by the yard!Get the kitchen sink up! Call the National Guard!They turned toward the target, moved toward it, converged. Till the tracks on the radar all finally merged,And the sky was lit up with a demonic light,As the foe met his fate in the high arctic night. So we sent out some recon to look for debris,Yet all that they found, both on land and on seaWere some toys, a red hat, a charred left leather boot,Broken sleigh bells, white hair, and a deer's parachute. Now it isn't quite Christmas, with Saint Nick shot down. There are unhappy kids in each village and town. For the Spirit of Christmas can't hope to evadeAll the web of defenses we've carefully made. But a crash program's on: Working hard, night and day,All the elves are constructing a radar-proof sleigh. So let's wait for next Christmas, in cheer and in health,For the future has hope: Santa's coming by stealth!
|A newfie wanted to learn how to sky dive. He got an instructor and started lessons. The instructor told the newfie to jump out of the plane and pull his rip cord. The instructor then explained that he himself would jump out right behind him so that they would go down together. The newfie understood and was ready. The time came to have the newfie jump from the air plane. The instructor reminded him that he would be right behind him. The newfie proceeded to jump from the plane and after being in the air for a few seconds pulled the rip cord. The instructor followed by jumping from the plane. The instructor pulled his rip cord but the parachute did not open. The instructor, frantically trying to get his parachute open, darted past the newfie. The newfie seeing this yelled, as he undid the straps to his parachute, "So you wanna race, eh? "
|Liam had left Dublin to go up to Belfast for a bit of skydiving, Late Sunday evening he was found in tree by a farmer. What happened said the farmer, Liam replied, that his parachute failed to open, well said the farmer if you had of asked the locals before you jumped, they would have told you nothing opens here on a Sunday.
These are supposedly actual classified ads that have appeared in various papers across the world. FOR SALE: LEE MAJORS (6 MILLION DOLLAR MAN) - $50 NORDIC TRACK $300 - HARDLY USED - CALL CHUBBIE at: BILL'S SEPTIC CLEANING - "WE HAUL AMERICAN MADE PRODUCTS" SHAKESPEARE'S PIZZA - FREE CHOPSTICKS HUMMELS - LARGEST SELECTION EVER - "IF IT'S IN STOCK, WE HAVE IT!" PRESIDENT'S CHOICE - COW MANURE - 2 33lb bags - $5 HARRISBURG POSTAL EMPLOYEES GUN CLUB GEORGIA PEACHES - CALIFORNIA GROWN - 89 cents lb. NICE PARACHUTE - NEVER OPENED - USED ONCE - SLIGHTLY STAINED
An intellect rivaled only by garden tools. An XT clone in a Pentium zone. Another engineering prototype that should not have been shipped. Answers the door when the phone rings. Any slower and he'd be in reverse. -- Gignac As a baby his parents stood him on his soft spot. As bent as a corkscrew. As bright as a nightlight / small appliance bulb / tulip bulb. As happy as if he had brains. As happy as the village idiot. As much use as a back pocket in a vest. (Very English. ) As much use as a lead parachute. As quick as a corpse. As rare as a nine bob note. (Very English. ) As sharp as a marble / bowling ball / beachball / pin head / wet sponge / bowl of Jello / mashed potato sandwich, and twice as smart. As sharp as a sack full of wet mice. -- Foghorn Leghorn As smart as a politician/lawyer is honest. As smart as bait / an automatic email responder script. As smart as Christie Brinkley is ugly. As thick as champ. (Irish champ is mostly mashed spuds and cabbage. ) As thick as two short planks / two half bricks. As worn out as a cucumber in a convent. Attic's a little dusty. Back burners not fully operating. Bad spot on the disk. Baler done run out of twine. Bandwidth limited. Barney's his hero. Bats have flown the belfry, and now he's all alone. Bats in the belfry.
A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble. In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down. Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out. Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining. The doctor grabbed one and said "I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I must live," and jumped out. The lawyer then said, "I'm a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world. I deserve to live. " He also grabbed a parachute and jumped. The priest looked at the little boy and said, "My son, I've lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace. " The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, "Not to worry, Father. The 'smartest man in the world' just took off with my back pack. "
1. Coca-cola was originally green. 2. Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than for the US Treasury. 3. Smartest dogs: 1) border collie; 2)poodle; 3)golden retriever. 4. Dumbest dog: Afghan5. Hawaiian alphabet has 12 letters. 6. Men can read smaller print than women; women can hear better. 7. Chances that an American lives within 50 miles of where they grew up: 1 in 28. Amount American Airlines saved in '87 by taking out 1 olive from each salad served in first class: $40,0009. City with the most Rolls Royce's per capita: Hong Kong10. State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska11. Chances of a white Christmas in New York: 1 in 412. Portion of US annual rainfall that falls in April: 1/1213. Percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28%14. Percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%15. Estimated % of American adults who go on diet each year: 44%16. Barbie's measurements if she were life size: 39-23-3317. Average number of days a West German goes without washing his underwear: 718. Percentage of Americans who say that God has spoken to them: 36%19. Percentage of Americans who regularly attend religious services: 43%20. City with highest per capita viewership of TV evangelists: Washington DC21. Percentage of American men who say they would marry the same woman if they had it to do all over again: 80%22. % of American women who say they would marry the same man: 50%23. % of men who say they are happier after their divorce or separation: 58%24. % of women who say they are happier after their divorce or separation: 85%25. Number of different family relationships for which Hallmark makes cards: 10526. Cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,40027. Average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000. 28. Percentage of Americans who have visited Disneyland or Disney World: 70%29. Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches. 30. Portion of ice cream sold that is vanilla: 1/331. Portion of potatoes sold that are French fried: 1/332. Percentage of Americans that eat at McDonald's each day: 733. Percentage of bird species that are monogamous: 90%34. Percentage of mammal species that are: 3%35. Number of US states that claim test scores in their elementary schools are above national average: 50%36. Portion of Harvard students who graduate with honors: 4/537. Chances that a burglary in the US will be solved: 1 in 7. 38. Portion of land in the US owned by the government: 1/339. Only President to remain a bachelor: James Buchanon40. Only first lady to carry a loaded revolver: Eleanor Roosevelt41. Only President to win a Pulitzer: John F. Kennedy for "Profiles in Courage"42. Only President awarded a patent: Abe Lincoln, for a system of buoying vessels over shoals43. Only food that does not spoil: honey44. Only person to win $64,000 Challenge and $64,000 Question: Dr. Joyce Brothers (subject is boxing)45. Only bird that can fly backwards: Hummingbird46. Only continent without reptiles or snakes: Antarctica47. Only animal besides human that can get sunburn: pig48. Ostriches stick their heads in the sand to look for water. 49. An eagle can kill a young deer and fly away with it. 50. In the Caribbean there are oysters that can climb trees. 51. Polar bears are left-handed. 52. Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair. 53. Eskimos never gamble. 54. The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910. 55. The youngest pope was 11 years old. 56. Mark Twain didn't graduate from elementary school. 57. Proportional to their weight, men are stronger than horses. 58. Pilgrims ate popcorn at the first Thanksgiving dinner. 59. Your nose and ears never stop growing. 60. Jupiter is bigger than all the other planets in our solar system combined. 61. Hot water is heavier than cold. 62. The parachute was invented by da Vinci in 1515. 63. They have square watermelons in Japan. They stack better. 64. Cream does not weigh as much as milk. 65. Starfish have eight eyes-one at the end of each leg. 66. Iceland consumes more Coca-cola per capita than any other nation. 67. First novel ever written on a typewriter was "Tom Sawyer. "68. There are more collect calls on Father's Day than any other day of the year. 69. Heinz Catsup leaving the bottle travels at 25 miles per year. 70. It is possible to lead a cow upstairs but not downstairs. 71. Men get hiccups more often than women. 72. Armadillos can be housebroken.
There was a Blond and a Brunette on an airplane. All of a sudden the engine blew and they started to crash!There was only one parachute and a flashlight. The Brunette grabbed the parachute and the flashlight and said to the blond, "Ok, This is a magic flashlight, I will shine it on the ground and you can slide down the beam of light! Then I will follow you with the parachute. "The blond looked at her sceptically and said, "Do you think I am that dumb? I know when I am halfway down you're gonna turn it off!"
Connorsvill,Wisconsin:It is illegal for a man to shoot off a gun when his female partner has an orgasm. Willowdale, Oregon:It is illegal for husbands to curse during sex. Oblong, Illinois:It is punishable by law to make love while hunting or fishing on your wedding day. (Trust me if a man takes his wife fishing on their wedding day, he has an even bigger problem. )Alexandria, Minnesota:No man is allowed to make love with the smell of garlic, onions, or sardines on his breath. Ames, Iowa:A man cannot have more than three gulps of beer while lying in bed with his wife, girlfriend, or significant other--- or holding her in his arms. Bozeman, Montana:Has a law banning all sexual activity between members of the opposite sex in the front yard of a home after sundown -- if they are nude. Newcastle, Wyoming:An ordinance specifically bans couples from having sex while standing inside a store's walk-in-meat freezer. Illinois:A state law mandates that all bachelors should be called "master," not "mister," when addressed by their female counterparts. Norfolk, Virginia:A woman could not go out without wearing a corset. There was even a civil-service job, only for men, called "corset inspector. "Merryville, Missouri:Women are prohibited from wearing corsets because the "privilege of admiring the curvaceous, unencumbered body of a young woman should not be denied to the normal, red-blooded American male. "(This one either makes me want to stand up and scream, "Hallelujah!" or puke. )Helena, Montana:Law mandates that a woman can't dance on a table in a saloon or bar unless she has on at least three pounds, two ounces of clothing. Carlsbad, New Mexico:It's legal for couples to have sex in a parked vehicle during their lunch break, as long as the vehicle has curtains drawn to discourage peeping Toms. Florida:State law says that if you are a single, divorced, or widowed woman, you can not parachute on Sunday afternoons. Cleveland, Ohio:Woman aren't allowed to wear patent-leather shoes. A man might see the reflection of something "he oughtn't. "Tremont, UtahNo woman may have sex with a man while riding in an ambulance. If caught, the woman can be charged with a sexual misdemeanor and "her name is to be published in the local newspaper. " The man isn't charged nor is his name revealed.
In Oblong, Illinois, it's punishable by law to make love while hunting or fishing on your wedding day. No man is allowed to make love to his wife with the smell of garlic, onions, or sardines on his breath in Alexandria, Minnesota. If his wife so requests, law mandates that he must brush his teeth. Warn your hubby that after lovemaking in Ames, Iowa, he isn't allowed to take more than three gulps of beer while lying in bed with you -- or holding you in his arms. Bozeman, Montana, has a law that bans all sexual activity between members of the opposite sex in the front yard of a home after sundown -- if they're nude. (Apparently, if you wear socks, you're safe from the law!)In hotels in Sioux Falls, South Dakota, every room is required to have twin beds. And the beds must always be a minimum of two feet apart when a couple rents a room for only one night. And it's illegal to make love on the floor between the beds!The owner of every hotel in Hastings, Nebraska, is required to provide each guest with a clean and pressed nightshirt. No couple, even if they are married, may sleep together in the nude. Nor may they have sex unless they are wearing one of these clean, white cotton nightshirts. An ordinance in Newcastle, Wyoming, specifically bans couples from having sex while standing inside a store's walk-in meat freezer!A state law in Illinois mandates that all bachelors should be called master, not mister, when addressed by their female counterparts. In Norfolk, Virginia, a woman can't go out without wearing a corset. (There was a civil-service job -- for men only -- called a corset inspector. )However, in Merryville, Missouri, women are prohibited from wearing corsets because "the privilege of admiring the curvaceous, unencumbered body of a young woman should not be denied to the normal, red-blooded American male. "It's safe to make love while parked in Coeur d'Alene, Idaho. Police officers aren't allowed to walk up and knock on the window. Any suspicious officer who thinks that sex is taking place must drive up from behind, honk his horn three times and wait approximately two minutes before getting out of his car to investigate. Another law in Helena, Montana, mandates that a woman can't dance on a table in a saloon or bar unless she has on at least three pounds, two ounces of clothing. Lovers in Liberty Corner, New Jersey, should avoid satisfying their lustful urges in a parked car. If the horn accidentally sounds while they are frolicking behind the wheel, the couple can face a jail term. In Carlsbad, New Mexico, it's legal for couples to have sex in a parked vehicle during their lunch break from work, as long as the car or van has drawn curtains to stop strangers from peeking in. A Florida sex law: If you're a single, divorced, or widowed woman, you can't parachute on Sunday afternoons. Women aren't allowed to wear patent-leather shoes in Cleveland, Ohio, a man might see the reflection of something "he oughtn't!"No woman may have sex with a man while riding in an ambulance within the boundaries of Tremonton, Utah. If caught, the woman can be charged with a sexual misdemeanor and "her name is to be published in the local newspaper. " The man isn't charged nor is his name revealed. In Las Vegas, Nevada: It's against the law to pawn your dentures. In Natoma, Kansas; It's illegal to throw knives at men wearing striped suites. Idaho Falls, Idaho: If you're 88 years of age or older, it's illegal for you to ride your motorcycle. In Vermont: It's against the law (not to mention impossible) to whistle under water. In Alabama: It's illegal to play dominoes on Sunday. In Barber, North Carolina: It's illegal for a cat to fight a dog (or vice versa). In Clawson City, Michigan: It's illegal to sleep with chickens. A pet rooster cannot say cock-a-doodle-do within the city limits of Mount Dora, Fl. In Richmond, Va. , you must buy a license for 93 cents to sell song books on the street. The U. S. government says it's a crime to give false weather reports. In Gary, Ind. , you cannot go straight to the theater after eating garlic. You can be fined $500 if you bother a butterfly in Pacific Grove, Ca. In Maryland, a woman may not go through her husband's pockets while he is sleeping. There is no horse racing allowed on the New Jersey Turnpike. In Waterloo, Neb. , barbers cannot eat onions between 7 a. m. and 7 p. m. Donkeys are not allowed to sleep in bathtubs in Brooklyn, N. Y. In New York, you can teach your pet parrot to speak, but not to squawk. Cars are not allowed to scare horses in Centerville, Ohio. On the books in Tennessee:In Alamo: A person found intoxicated must be given a large dose of castor oil by a local doctor. . . and failure to gulp it down will result in a fine. In Newport: It's against the law to tickle a girl under her chin with a feather duster in order to get her attention. In Collierville: Keeping clean can be a chilly proposition, as a law there says all bathtubs must be kept in the backyard. In Waverly: You better not let your horse near the tub, since horses are prohibited from sleeping in them, as well as in the house. In Wartburg: The town strictly forbids single, widowed or divorced women from parachuting on Sunday!It is against the law to have disco dance contests last more than eight hours. It is against the law to call another person a coward if he refuses to duel.
A Polak wanted to learn how to sky dive. He got an instructor andstarted lessons. The instructor told the Polak to jump out of theplane and pull his rip cord. The instructor then explained that hehimself would jump out right behind him so that they would go downtogether. The Polak understood and was ready. The time came to have the Polak jump from the air plane. Theinstructor reminded the Polak that he would be right behind him. ThePolak proceeded to jump from the plane and after being in the airfor a few seconds pulled the rip cord. The instructor followed byjumping from the plane. The instructor pulled his rip cord but theparachute did not open. The instructor, frantically trying to gethis parachute open, darted past the Polak. The Polak seeing this yelled, as he undid the straps to hisparachute, "So you wanna race, eh? "
Four guys were in an airplane, which was going down in flames. There were only 3 parachutes, though. The reverand says "I should go! everybody needs religion!" they agree and he jumps. Another guy says "I'm the smartest man on earth! If I die, everyone goes broke!" so he jumps. The old guy says to the hipee "I am old, and you have a whole life ahead of you, so you jump. "But the hipee replies "Chill dude! We can both go! the smartest man on earth forgot the parachute!"
Some fun rules1. I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either. 2. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by. 3. Am I getting smart with you? How would you know? 4. I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode. 5. Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car. 6. There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives. 7. Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it. 8. Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue. 9. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't need him again. 10. I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem. 11. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling? !"12. My Reality Check bounced. 13. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key. 14. I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier. 15. You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter. 16. Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, 'cuz, like, you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup. 17. Everybody is somebody else's weirdo. And,18. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.