After working together for a while, Dick and Jane's office romance blossomed, and they really developed the hots for each other. One day,they seize the opportunity to sneak into a supply closet to consummate their lust. Dick finds Jane very tight, and difficult to enter, but finally succeeds. When they are finished, Dick says to her, "If I had known you were a virgin, I would have taken more time!" To which Jane replies "If I'd known you had more time, I would have taken off my pantyhose!"
This old lady walks out of the grocery store and goes to the bus stop. An old guy is sitting in the parking lot in his car. He drives over andsays he'll give her a ride home. On the way he looks her over and says "You're a pretty good looking oldbroad. I'll pay you ten bucks for a piece of ass". She says "What? ? ? !!!". But then thinks that the old age check isn't duefor 5 more days, so she agrees. They are lying on the bed after its over having the usual smoke and hesays to her "Geez if I had known that you were a virgin I would haveoffered you $20. 00!" She looks back at him and says "If I had know you could get it up I wouldhave taken off my pantyhose!"
|In order to punish your cat for poor behavior, here are a list of items that the cat may write on a chalkboard. A. Fill in the blanks1. [xxx] is not food. Dental floss, plants, Kleenex, toilet paper, human's homework, photographs, shoes, sweaters, socks, the couch, electrical cords/devices, phone cord, vases of flowers, my poop, electric wiring, the rubber fish toy my human drags around for me to play with; rubber bands; Mom's toe; the HUGE fly; used Q-tips; the other cat's vomited food. 2. I will not jump on the [xxx]. kitchen counter, table, stove, barbecue, my human's full bladder at 5:30 A. M. , bed at night, TV, bed from the top of the wardrobe at night. 3. I will not sharpen my claws on the [xxx]. sofa, carpet, drapes, my human's leg, my human's boss's leg, the new speakers, wallpaper, window screen, car tires. 4. I will not pee/poop/barf a hairball on the [xxx]. floor, carpet, sofa, clean laundry, sleeping human, human's tax return, the tax auditor, TV, baby's mattress, kitchen counter, dining room table, big people's shoes, bathtub, my Dad's collection of (expensive) Nazi daggers, marble floor (acid vomit+marble=etched marble). 5. I will not climb the [xxx]. Screen, bulletin board, speaker, curtains, redwood trees, walls, lampposts. 6. I will not dunk [xxx] into my water dish. Tissues, my toy mouse, the house plants, half-digested food7. I will not hide [xxx]. Pens, curlers, or house keys under the carpet. 8. I recognize that the [xxx] has a right to exist. Belt, fringe on the bathroom rug, fuzzy toilet seat, house plant, human's toes, baby, human, blue jays outside, teddy bear9. [xxx] is not cat food. Chocolate, bananas, pizza, any human food, tea10. [xxx] is not a bed. The stove, the pot (not hot) on the stove, sink, the crystal bowl from the people's wedding, piano strings, Mommy's sock drawer, the inside of the antique radio, the car, the electric organ, the computer keyboard. 11. [xxx] is not prey/a toy. The paper coming from the printer; the newspaper; Mummy; open milk cartons; toilet paper; pantyhose; paper clips; human's toes; my human's penis (see "Robin Williams, Live at the Met"); Christmas tree ornaments; the produce ripening on the kitchen counter; Q-tips; Black Widow spiders; any food, whether wrapped in something or not; the sheets; the computer mouse; Mommy's snow white lace garter from her wedding with the beautiful tasty maribou feathers on it;12. I will not try to climb into the [xxx]. Freezer, refrigerator, washing machine, dryer, dishwasher, garage.
Q: what did the hurricane say to the coconut tree? A: Hold on to your nuts, this ain't no ordinary blow-job. . . Q: Did you hear about the queer burglar? A: He couldn't blow the safe do he went down on the elevator. . . Q: Why is it so groovy to be a test tube baby? A: Because you get a womb with a view. . . Q: Why are eggs so frusterated? A: Because they only get laid once, they only get eaten once, and you've gotta boil them to get them hard. . . Q: Where do you get virgin wool? A: From ugly sheep. . . Q: What did Adam say to Eve? A: Stand back, I don't know how big this thing gets. . . Q: Did you hear about the deaf gynecoligist? A: He had to learn how to read ilps. . . Q: Why are chickens so ugly? A: You'd be ugly too if you had a pecker hanging out your forehead. . . Q: Why do hummingbirds hum? A: Cause they dont know the words. . . Q: Where are an elephant's sex organs? A: In his feet- if he steps on you you're fucked. . . Q: How do you tell if a woman is wearing pantyhose? A: If she farts, her ankles will swell. . . Q: What's the ulitmate rejection? A: When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep. . . Q: How do you know when an elephant's been fucking in your garage? A: Your Hefty bags are missing. . .
On a cardboard windshield sun shade: "Warning: Do Not Drive With Sun Shield in Place"(why. . . a duh!)On an infant's bathtub: Do not throw baby out with bath water. (ah-ha! So that's what happened to my little sister!)On a Magic 8 Ball: Not advised for use as a home pregnancy test. (oh sure. . . now they tell me!)On a roll of Life Savers: Not for use as a flotation device. (aye matey. . . but the sharks love 'em!)On a disposable razor: Do not use this product during an earthquake. On a handgun: Not recommended for use as a nutcracker. On pantyhose: Not to be used in the commission of a felony. (well that's just great. . . now what do I use!)On a Pentium chip: If this product exhibits errors, the manufacturer will replace it for a $2- shipping and a $3-handling charge, for a total of $4. 97. (now you know WHY there was a Y2K bug!)On a palm sander: Not to be used to sand palms. On a blender: Not for use as an aquarium. (he-he. . . I gotta try this one!)On syrup of ipecac: Caution: May cause vomiting. On a revolving door: Passenger compartments for individual use only. On children's alphabet blocks: Letters may be used to construct words, phrases and sentences that may be deemed offensive. (hmmm. . . I think I'll test this one out on my nephews :)
Q. How many animals can you get into one pair of pantyhose? A. Several. Ten little piggies, two calves, many hares, one ass and a beaver!
What does a nun wear on a date? A Cross Your Heart Bra and No-nonsense pantyhose.
Bert met Flo in a bar one night and began buying her drinks. They hit it off pretty well and soon Bert suggested they go to his apartment for some extracurricular activity. Well it wasn't long before they found themselves in bed making passionate love. As they were making love though, Bert noticed that Flo's toes would curl up as he was thrusting in and out. When they were done, Bert laid back on the bed and said, "I must of been pretty good tonight. I noticed your toes curling up when I was going in and out. "Flo looked at him and smiled. "That usually happens when you forget to remove my pantyhose!"
The following comments are those of Bill Hall who is a syndicated humor columnist for the Lewiston Morning Tribune in Lewiston, Idaho. Consider bathing, for instance. As a general rule, middle-aged women take baths at night. The men shower each morning. The men like to go to bed dirty and go to work clean. Women prefer to go to bed clean and to work dirty. That's why men usually take their coffee breaks with other men. Women read more boring magazines than men. They read silly, pedestrian magazines filled with articles on making quilts, turning bleach bottles into stunning centerpieces, the use of orange eyeshadow and how to get men to shower before going to bed instead of before going to work. Men read sensible, intellectual journals on how to catch fish and kill little animals. When a man cooks, he keeps his knives sharp. Most female cooks don't. Indeed, most female cooks don't even own a decent kitchen knife, let alone a sharp one. Female cooks offer the excuse that they would cut themselves if they had a sharp knife. And anyone with knives that lousy probably would. There is another difference between male and female cooks. Female cooks generally cook better with dull knives than male cooks do with sharp knives. That's how infuriating female cooks can be. Most women in my age group wear dresses occasionally. Only a few of my male friends do and then only in the privacy of their own homes. The women hobble around on high-heeled shoes. Most men would never do anything that silly. In fact, there is a name for the kind of men who wear high heels. They are called cowboys. Women laugh at men for wearing neckties and coats on 100-degree summer days. They snicker at men for wearing more clothes than necessary in hot weather. However, the women who do that are sweating in their pantyhose. Most women in my age group wear make-up. Very few of the men do. There is a name for men who wear make-up. They are called weird cowboys. Women are far more likely to be lousy tippers in restaurants, and to complain thereafter that men always get better service than they do. Women fold their underwear. Most men merely stuff their underwear into the drawer. Men use the time they save to catch fish and kill little animals. Most women, when lost, will stop and ask directions. Most men in my age group believe admitting you're lost will cast doubt on your manhood. That's why so many macho men are lost. Smarter men prove their manhood by stopping and asking women for directions, even when they aren't lost. There is another big difference between men and women in my age group. A competent man tends to rise through the ranks so easily that he eventually reaches a level where he is incompetent. Dr. Laurence J. Peter has dubbed this process the Peter Principle. Women in my age group tend to be held below the level of their competence, making them embarrassing to work with because they tend to outshine male colleagues at the same level. This is known as the Pain-in-the-Neck Principle. Incompetent men who have been subjected to that humiliation retaliate by refusing to promote women. And rightly so. You don't want people in the board room who don't shower each morning.
There's this old man in a nursing home and he's hornier than hell. So he sees this cute nurse and says, "How about a quickie for twenty bucks? "She agrees and gets on top of him. They go at it for about ten minutes. After the act, the old man says, "You know, if I knew you were a virgin, I would have paid you a hundred bucks. "In reply, the nurse says, "If I knew you could get it up that high, I would have taken off my pantyhose!"
For Chocolate Lovers:If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly. Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices & strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want. The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in hot car. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot. Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite and you'll eat less. A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn't that handy? If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what is wrong with you? If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves. If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet? Money talks. Chocolate sings. Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger. Q. Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics Anonymous? A. Because no one wants to quit. If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top pantyhose. An entire garment industry would be devastated. Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done.