Can you cry under water? How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered? If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches? Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round? Why do you have to "put your two cents in". . . but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to? Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity? Why does a round pizza come in a square box? What did cured ham actually have? How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage? Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours? If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing? If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you? Why are you IN a movie, but you are ON TV? Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground? How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America? Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway. If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call? Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?
A man in a state of excessive inebriation rolled up at a fairground rifle range booth and threw down the necessary money. The booth operator at first refused to let him have a turn, considering that his inebriated state would endanger the public. But the drunk insisted and was given a gun. He aimed unsteadily in the general direction of the target and after tying to focus, pulled the trigger three times. The booth owner, on inspecting the target, was astonished to see that he had scored three bullseyes. The star prize for the evening was a large set of glassware, but the showman was certain that the drunk wasn't aware of what he had done, and gave him instead a consolation prize, a small, live turtle. The drunk wandered off into the crowd. An hour or so later he came back, even more drunk than before. Once again the showman demurred, but once again the drunk insisted, and once more scored three bullseyes and was given another turtle. Eventually the drunk rolled up again and insisted on a third attempt. Once more he picked up the rifle, waved it around in the general direction of the target, and pulled the trigger three times. Once more he had scored three bullseyes. But this time there was an onlooker with good eyesight. "That's fantastic", the man said. "Hasn't he scored three bulls? "The showman, cursing his luck, made a show of going over to the target and inspecting it closely. "Yes, sir!", he announced to the crowd. "This is fantastic! Congratulations, sir, you have won the star prize, this magnificent 68-piece set of glassware!""I don't want any bloody glasses", the drunk replied. "Give me another one of those little crusty meat pies!"
An old Jewish man is talking long-distance to California when all of a sudden he gets cut off. He hollers, "Operator, giff me beck the party!"She says, "I'm sorry sir, you'll have to make the call all over again. "He says, "What do you want from my life? Giff me beck da party. "She says, "I'm sorry sir, you'll have to place the call again. "He says, "Operator, ya know vat? Take da telephone and shove it in you-know-vere!" And he hangs up. Two days later he opens the door and there are two big, strapping guys standing there who say, "We came to take your telephone out. "He says, "Vy? "They say, "Because you insulted Operator 28 two days ago. But if you'd like to call up and apologize, we'll leave the telephone here. "He says, "Vait a minute, vat's da rush, vat's da hurry? " He goes to the telephone and dials. "Hello? Get me Operator 28. Hello, Operator28? Remember me? Two days ago I insulted you? I told you to take da telephone and shove it in you-know-vere? "She says, "Yes? "He says, "Vell, get ready -- dey're bringin' it to ya!"
A Jewish guy in a London hotel calls the operator and asks, in broken English with a heavy Lithuanian-Yiddish accent, for number 266418. A short time later, someone knocks, and when he opens the door he sees2 beautiful and sexy girls who asked him: Have you ordered 2 shikses for one night?
"Information? I need the number of the Caseway Insurance Company. ""Would you spell that, please? ""Certainly. C as in sea. A as in aye. S as in sea. E as in eye. W as in why. A as in are. Y as in you. "The operator pauses. "Just a minute, sir. I'll connect you with my supervisor . . . "
A man spoke frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child? " the emergency operator asked. "No, you idiot!" the man shouted. "This is her husband!"
Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911operator told Bubba that she would send someone outright away. "Where do you live? " asked the operator. Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive. "The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me? "There was a long pause and finally Bubba said,"How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and youpick her up there? "
This little old lady calls 911. When the operator answers she yells,"Help, send the police to my house right away! There's a damn Democraton my front porch and he's playing with himself. ""What? " the operator exclaimed. "I said there is a damn Democrat on myfront porch playing with himself and he's weird; I don't know him andI'm afraid! Please send the police!" the little old lady repeated. "Well, now, how do you know he's a Democrat? ""Because, you damn fool, if it was a Republican, he'd be screwingsomebody!"
|This is an actual account by a worker at a technical support and service center. One particular customer had an old console-type machine with a print head that would ride back and forth on a spiral shaft. They also had a big bushy cat who liked to sit on the edge of the printer next to the operator. Well, one day we got a service call that said, "Cat caught in machine, come quick!"When I arrived I saw everyone sitting around mending their various wounds, scratches and contusions. No sight of the cat. It appears that while they were running the machine the cat was twirling his tail in his usual fashion and stuck it down into the printer at the most inopportune time and got sucked in! Apparently, the cat absolutely freaked out and clawed at everyone who came close. They finally freed the cat, and to this day, the cat goes nowhere near the machine.
|Three blondes are attempting to change a light bulb. One of them decides to call 911:Blonde: We need help. We're three blondes changing a light bulb. Operator: Hmmmmm. You put in a fresh bulb? Blonde: Yes. Operator: The power in the house in on? Blonde: Of course. Operator: And the switch is on? Blonde: Yes, yes. Operator: And the bulb still won't light up? Blonde: No, it's working fine. Operator: Then what's the problem? Blonde: We got dizzy spinning the ladder around, and we all fell and hurt ourselves.
|A man, after being hurt, calls 911 for help. Man: Operator, operator, call me an ambulance!Operator: Okay, sir, you're an ambulance!
|There were three Aggies; one crane operator, one pole climber, one guide. The guide tied the crane to the end of a pole. The crane operator would then pick the pole up on end. The climber climbed to the top and dropped a tape measure which the guide promptly read and noted the measurement. The crane operator then lowered the pole to the ground and repsitioned to pick up another pole. This went on several times when the foreman came over and asked why they couldn't measure the poles while they were laying on the ground? The Aggies replied, "we need to know how tall the poles are, not how long".
|The following are real conversations Directory Enquiries operators had with callers, as revealed in interviews with staff at the Cardiff DE Centre. Caller : I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff, please. Operator : I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct? Caller : Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the B fell off. * * *Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven. Operator : Woven? Are you sure? Caller : Yes. That's what it says on the label - Woven in Scotland. * * *Caller : I'd like the RSPCA please. Operator : Where are you calling from? Caller : The living room* * *Caller : The water board please. Operator : Which department? Caller : Tap water. * * *Operator : How are you spelling that? Caller : With letters. * * *Caller : I'd like the number for a reverend in Cardiff, please. Operator : Do you have his name? Caller : No, but he has a dog named Ben. * * *Caller : The Union of Shopkeepers and Alligators please. Operator : You mean the Amalgamated Union of Shopkeepers? * * *On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told the worried operator: "I haven't got a pen so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on.
|Mom's Brownies RecipeRemove teddy bear from oven and preheat oven to 375. Melt 1 cup margarine in saucepan. Remove teddy bear from oven and tell Jr "no, no. " Add margarine to 2 cups sugar. Take shortening can away from Jr. and clean cupboards. Measure 1/3 cup cocoa. Take shortening can away from Jr. again and bathe cat. Apply antiseptic and bandages to scratches sustained while removing shortening from cat's tail. Assemble 4 eggs, 2 tsp. vanilla, and 1-1/2 cups sifted flour. Take smoldering teddy bear from oven and open all doors and windows for ventilation. Take telephone away from Billy and assure party on the line the call was a mistake. Call operator and attempt to have direct dialed call removed from bill. Measure 1 tsp. salt, 1/2 cup nuts and beat all ingredients well. Let cat out of refrigerator. Pour mixture into well-greased 9x13-inch pan. Bake 25 minutes. Rescue cat and take razor away from Billy. Explain to kids that you have no idea if shaved cats will sunburn. Throw cat outside while there's still time and he's still able to run away. Frosting Mix the following in saucepan: 1 cup sugar 1 oz unsweetened chocolate 1/4 cup margarine Take the darn teddy bear out of the @#$% broiler and throw it away -- far away. Answer the door and meekly explain to nice policeman that you didn't know Jr had slipped out of the house and was heading for the street. Put Jr in playpen. Add 1/3 cup milk, dash of salt, and boil, stirring constantly for 2 minutes. Answer door and apologize to neighbor for Billy having stuck a garden hose in man's front door mail slot. Promise to pay for ruined carpet. Tie Billy to clothesline. Remove burned brownies from oven
Three couples got married and spent their honeymoons at the same hotel, where they were all attended to by . The first man married a nurse. Jeff showed them to their room, all the while thinking to himself, "Lucky guy! Nurses are known to be hot to trot. " The second man married a telephone operator. Jeff showed them to their room, while thinking to himself, "Wow, he's one lucky dude. Telephone operators have such sexy voices and once you pop that top button. . Va-voom. " The third man married a school teacher. Jeff showed them to their room and thought to himself, "Poor sap. She may be pretty, but teachers are way too frigid. " At 5:30 the following morning, Jeff reported to work. He expected the teacher's husband to call for breakfast any minute, but was sure the other two wouldn't call until much later in the day. The phone rang at 6 a. m. and it was the nurse's husband wanting breakfast. Jeff took breakfast up to the room and when the husband opened the door, Jeff stepped back in shock. The man's pajamas were still pressed and his hair nicely combed. "Sir, what happened? " asked Jeff. "You married a nurse. " "Son, don't ever marry a nurse," the man sourly replied. "All I heard last night was her nagging voice saying, 'You're not sanitary, you're not sanitary'. " The phone rang again at 6:30 a. m. and this time it was the telephone operator's husband calling for breakfast. Jeff took it to the room as quickly as possible. When the man opened the door, Jeff stepped back in shock. The man's hair was neatly combed and his pajamas nicely pressed. "What happened? " Jeff asked with surprise. "Telephone operators as supposed to be as sexy as their voices. " "Son, don't ever marry a telephone operator," the man groaned. "All I heard last night was her nasal voice saying, 'Your three minutes are up, your three minutes are up'. " Jeff returned to his desk, sure that the teacher's husband would be calling at any moment. Finally, at 4 p. m. , the teacher's husband called for breakfast. Jeff couldn't believe it, but quickly took the breakfast to the couple's room. When the man opened the door, Jeff stepped back in shock. The man was wearing only a pair of boxers, his hair was a mess, and there were scratches all over his chest, arms and legs. "My goodness sir, what happened to you? " Jeff asked, fearing the worst. "Did you have a fight? " The man, grinning from ear to ear, happily replied, "No. Son, when you marry be sure it's to a school teacher. All I heard last night was her sexy, smooth voice saying, 'We're going to do this over, and over, and over again, until we get it right'. "
Sue Ellen passed away so Billy Bob called 911. The operator promised to send someone out immediately and asked him where he lived. "Right at the end of ," Billy Bob replied. "Could you spell that for me please? " the operator asked. After a very lengthy pause Billy Bob said, "How 'bout I just drag her on over to Pine Street and y'all can pick her up there? "
How did the blonde die drinking milk? The cow stepped on her. What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer? Frosted Flakes!What is it when a blonde blows into anotherblondes ear? Data transfer. What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? "I wonder if it's mine? "How do you confuse a blonde? Give her a package of M&M's and tell her to put them in alphabetical order. Why did the blonde resolve to have only three children? Because she read that one child out of every four born, was Chinese. Why did the blonde lose her job as an elevator operator? She couldn't learn the route. Why did the blonde drive around the block fifty-seven times? Her turn signal was stuck. Why did the blonde ask her friends to save their burned-out light bulbs? She needed them for the darkroom she was building. Why are the Japanese so smart? No blondes.
Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911 operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away. "Where do you live? " asked the operator. Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive. " The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me? "There was a long pause and finally Bubba said. . . "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there? "
OPERATOR, WE'VE BEEN DISCONNECTED: Florida State Senator John McKay has resigned from the Senate Regulated Industries Committee, which oversees such monopolies as the phone company, after his wife charged in a divorce proceeding that McKay had been having an affair with the lobbyist for the Sprint telephone company. (AP) John, that's not what Ma Bell meant by "Reach Out and Touch Someone".
This machine is subject to breakdown during periods of critical need. A special circuit in the machine called a "critical detector" senses the operator's emotional state in terms of how desperate he or she is to use this machine. The "critical detector" then creates a malfunction proportional to the desperation of the operator. Threatening the machine with violence will only aggravate the situation. Likewise, attempts to use another machine may cause it to also malfunction. (They belong to the same union. ) Keep cool and say nice things to the machine. Nothing else seems to work. Never let anything mechanical know you are in a hurry.