Yo mama's so fat, she was born with a silver shovel in her mouth.
How do you confuse a blond? You don't, they're born that way.
What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth? It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.
Do you know why the baby Jesus wasn't born in Iowa? They couldn't find three wise men!!!Sent by Spencer
The sailor came home from a secret two year mission only to find his wife with a new born baby. Furious, he was determinedto track down the father to extract revenge. "Was it my friend Sam", he demanded. "No !" his weeping wife replied. "Was it my friend Jim then? " he asked. "NO !!!" she said even more upset. "Well which one of my no good friends did this then? " he asked. "Don't you think I have any friends of my own? " she snapped.
A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion. After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar and tearfully tells the son he is proud of him. Dad orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. Swoooop! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "take another drink!" The bartender still shakes his head in dismay. Swoooop! Two arms pops out. The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "take another drink!" The bartender ignores the whole affair. By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos. The father thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left. . . . then to the right. . . . right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs into him and kills him. The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief. The bartender cleans his glasses and whistles an old Irish tune. The father looks at the bartender in disbelief and asks, "How can you be so cold and callous? " The bartender says, "That boy should have quit while he was a head. "
If god had wanted us to run around naked,we would have been born that way.
Did you hear about the guy born with two left feet? He went out one day to buy some Flip Flips. . .
Why wasn't Jesus born in America? They couldn't find 3 wise men and a virgin.
Why do doctors slap babies when they are born? To knock the penises off the smart ones.
Q: WHAT DID THE BLONDE SAY ABOUT BLONDE JOKES? A: She said they were pretty good, but they might offend some Puerto Ricans. Q: WHAT DID THE BLONDE THINK OF THE NEW COMPUTER? A: She didn't like it because she couldn't get MTV. Q: What do UFO's and smart blondes have in common? A: You keep hearing about them, but never see any. Q: How do you make a blond laugh on Monday mornings? A: Tell them a joke on Friday night! Q: How do you describe the perfect blonde? A: 3 feet tall, and a flat head to rest your beer on. Q: How do you confuse a blonde? A: You don't. They're born that way. Q: Why do blondes hate MandMs? A: They're too hard to peel. Q: How do you know when a blonde has been making chocolate chip cookies? A: You find MandM shells all over the kitchen floor. Q: What job function does a blonde have in an MandM factory? A: Proofreading. Q: Do you know why the blonde got fired from the MandM factory? A: For throwing out the W's. Q: Why don't blondes like making KOOL-AID? A: Because they can't fit 8 cups of water in the little packet
I hear you are a real humanitarian. You have kept three or four detectives working regularly. I hear you are connected to the Police Department -- by a pair of handcuffs. Hello -- tall, dark and obnoxious! You remind me of the ocean -- you make me sick. You should have been born in the Dark Ages you look terrible in the light. All of your ancestors must number in the millions it's hard to believe thatmany people are to blame for producing you. Ever since I saw you in your family tree, I've wanted to cut it down. I hear that when you were a child your mother wanted to hire someone to take care of you, but the Mafia wanted too much. They just invented a new coffin just for you that goes over the head. It's for people who are dead from the neck up. After hearing you talk, I now know that the dead do contact us. You are so two-faced that any woman who married you would be married to a bigamist. I always wanted to be a trouble-shooter, but now I see you are not worth it!
In the maternity ward of a hospital, new-born girl baby looks over at new-born boy baby and asks, "Are you a girl baby or a boy baby? " The boy baby quickly chirps up, "I'm a boy baby!" "How can you tell? " asks girl baby. "Easy," says boy baby. And, with that, he threw off the blankets, hoisted up his itty-bitty night-shirt and proudly pointed downward. "See. . . . . blue booties"
Little Johnny 's next door neighbors had a baby. Unfortunately, the little baby was born with no ears. When they arrived home from the hospital, the parents invited Little Johnny's family to come over and see their new baby. Little Johnny's parents were very afraid that their son would have a wise crack to say about the baby so the dad had a long talk with little Johnny before going to the neighbors. He said "Now, son. . . that poor baby was born without any ears. I want you to be on your best behavior and not say one word about his ears or I am really going to spank you when we get back home. ""I promise not to mention his ears at all" said Little Johnny. At the neighbors home, Little Johnny leaned over in the crib and touched the baby's hand He looked at it's mother and said "Oh What a Beautiful little baby". The mother said "Thank you very much, Little Johnny. " He then said, "this baby has perfect little hands and perfect little feet. Why. . . just look at his pretty little eyes. . . . Did his doctor say that he can see good? " The Mother said "why, yes Johnny. . . his doctor said he has 20/20 vision. Little Johnny said "well, its a darn good thing, cause he sure couldn't wear glasses!!!
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASEJohn Hopkins Medical Center is reporting an unusual occurrence in the Obstetrics department:A child was born with both male and female organs. A penis and a brain!
A protestant moved into a completely Catholic community. Being good Catholics they welcomed him into their community. But, also because they were good Catholics they did not eat red meat on Fridays. So, when their neighbor began barbequeing some juicy steak on Friday night, they began to squirm. They were so annoyed that they went to talk to him about it. After much talk they conviced him to become Catholic. The next Sunday he went to the priest and the priest sprinkled holy water on him and said:You were born Protestant. You were raised Protestant. But now you are Catholic!And so, the next Friday, as the neighbors sat down to eat their fish, they were disturbed by the smell of roast beef coming from the neighboring house. They went over to talk to the new Catholic because he knew he was not supposed to eat beef on Fridays. When they saw him, he was sprinkling ketchup on the beef saying:You were born a cow. You were raised a cow. But now you are fish!
Why wasn't Christ born in Poland? Because they couldn't find three wisemen and a virgin!
All children who entered the world in the 1980s and later were born with a special mutated gene that enables them to know which buttons to push on electronic gadgets.
You Know You're From California When. . . 1. The fastest part of your commute is down your driveway2. Your were born somewhere else 3. You know how to eat an artichoke 4. The primary bugs that you worry about are electronic5. Your car has bulletproof windows6. Left is right and right is wrong7. Your monthly house payments exceed your annual income8. Your mouse has only one ball9. If you need a new TV, you can run down to the local riot and pick one up10. You dive under a desk whenever a large truck goes by11. You can't find your other earring because your son is wearing it12. You drive to your neighborhood block party13. Your family tree contains "significant others"14. Your dog has it's own psychiatrist15. You don't exterminate your roaches, you smoke them!16. You see 25 lawyers chasing an ambulance17. More than clothes come out of the closets18. "The Dead" are best live19. You go to a tanning salon before going to the beach20. Your blind date turns out to be your ex-spouse21. More money is spent on facelifts than on diapers22. Smoking in your office is not optional23. You pack shorts and a T-shirt for skiing in the snow and a sweater and a wetsuit for the beach24. When you can't meet schedule because you must "do lunch"25. Your children learn to walk in Birkenstocks26. Rainstorms or thunder are the lead story for the local news27. You'll reluctantly miss yoga class to wait for the hottub repairman28. You consult your horoscope before planning your day29. A glass has been reserved for you at your favorite winery
A new neigbour arrives. The kids meet. The local kid:"My mom was born in California!Where was your mom born? "The other kid answers, "Alaska". The first one replies:"Gee, then don't worry about it. . . I'll ask'er myself!"