Why did the nurse go to art school? Answer: To learn how to draw blood!
Knock, knock! Who's there? George Washington! George Washington who? George Washington who? Didn't you learn anything in history class?
Why did God create men first? Because we learn from mistakes.
Mullah Nasrudin, wisest man in Islam, entered England of a visit. "Do you have anything to declare? " asked the customs inspector. "No -- sssssst, bzzz - nothing at all. ""How long do you plan to stay? ""Oh, about -- ssssssssszzzzt, bzzz -- about three weeks. ""By the way, where did you learn English? ""From the -- bzzz, bzzz, sszzzzzzzzbzzz -- radio. "
This guy goes into a doctors and says "Doctor, doctor you've gotta help me. I just can't stop having sex!""Well how often do you have it? " the doctor asks. "Well, twice a day I have sex with my wife, TWICE a day", he answers back. "That's not so much", says the doctor. "Yes, but thats not all. Twice a day I have sex with my secretary, TWICE a day," replies the man. "Well that is probably a bit excessive," says the doctor. "Yes, butthats not all. Twice a day I have sex with a prostitute, TWICE a day," says the man. "Well, that's definitely to much", says the doctor. "You've got to learn to take yourself in hand. " "I do", says the man. "Twice a day. "
A few days before his proctological exam, a one eyed man accidentally swallowed his glass eye. He was worried for a while, but there were noill effects, so he forgot about it. Once he was in the doctor's office, the man followed instructions, undressed, and bent over. The first thing the proctologist saw when he looked up the man's arse was that eye staring right back at him. "You know, " said the doctor, "you really have to learn to trust me. "
Teaching The teacher had given the class an assignment. He stresses the importance of this particular assignment, and that no excuses will be accepted except illness (with a medical certificate) or a death in the immediate family (with a note from that member). A smart-ass student pipes up: "What about extreme sexual exhaustion, sir? " The class breaks up laughing, and when they settle down the teacher responds with: "Well, I guess you'll have to learn to write with your other hand. "
One day our professor was discussing a particularly complicated concept. Apre-med student rudely interrupted to ask "Why do we have to learn thisstuff? ""To save lives. " the professor responded quickly and continued the lecture. A few minutes later, the same student spoke up again. "So how does physicssave lives? " he persisted. "It keeps the ignoramuses out of medical school," replied the professor.
Q: Why did Mike Tyson learn to bite ears? A: How else do you tell a 275 pound inmate that "no means no"?
|A father and son went fishing one day. While they were out in the boat, the boy suddenly became curious about the world around him. He asked his father, "How does this boat float? The father replied, "Don't rightly know son. " A little later, the boy looked at his father and asked, "How do fish breath underwater? "Once again the father replied, "Don't rightly know son. " A little later the boy asked his father, "Why is the sky blue? "Again, the father repied. "Don't rightly know son. " Finally, the boy asked his father, "Dad, do you mind my asking you all of these questions? "The father replied, "Of course not, you don't ask questions, you never learn nothin'. "
|One day, Bill and Tom went to a restaurant for dinner. As soon as the waiter took out two steaks, Bill quickly picked out the bigger steak for himself. Tom wasn't happy about that: "When are you going to learn to be polite? "Bill: "If you had the chance to pick first, which one would you pick? "Tom: "The smaller piece, of course. "Bill: "What are you whining about then? The smaller piece is what you want, right? "
|A newfie wanted to learn how to sky dive. He got an instructor and started lessons. The instructor told the newfie to jump out of the plane and pull his rip cord. The instructor then explained that he himself would jump out right behind him so that they would go down together. The newfie understood and was ready. The time came to have the newfie jump from the air plane. The instructor reminded him that he would be right behind him. The newfie proceeded to jump from the plane and after being in the air for a few seconds pulled the rip cord. The instructor followed by jumping from the plane. The instructor pulled his rip cord but the parachute did not open. The instructor, frantically trying to get his parachute open, darted past the newfie. The newfie seeing this yelled, as he undid the straps to his parachute, "So you wanna race, eh? "
Knock! Knock!Who's there? Rita. Rita who? Rita book, you might learn something. Knock! Knock!Who's there? Police. Police who? Police open the door, I'm tired of knocking. Knock! Knock!Who's there? Henrietta. Henrietta who? Henrietta worm that was in his apple. Knock! Knock!Who's there? Carrie. Carrie who? Carrie on with what you're doing, I'm at the wrong door. Knock! Knock!Who's there? Anita. Anita who? Anita drink of water. Knock! Knock!Who's ther? Dwain. Dwain who? Dwain the bathtub, I'm dwrowning.
"Filthy Stinking Rich. . . Well, Two Out of Three Ain't Bad""I Used Up All My Sick Days. . . So I Called In Dead""Husband and Cat Lost. . . Reward for Cat""Happiness Is Seeing Your Mother-in-Law on a Milk Carton""Just Give Me Chocolate and Nobody Gets Hurt""Learn from Your Parents' Mistakes. . . Use Birth Control""If God Had Wanted Me to Touch My Toes, He Would Have Put Them on My Knees""If You Can Read This. . . Kiss A Teecher""Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up""If You Remember the '60s, You Weren't Really There""Procrastinate Now""Rehab Is for Quitters"(Across a drawing of a skeleton) "Waiting for the Perfect Man""My Husband and I Married for Better or Worse. . . . . . . He Couldn't do Better and I Couldn't Do Worse""The More I Learn About Women, the More I Love My Harley"
A man lay spread out over three seats in the second row of a movie theater. As he lay there breathing heavily, an usher came over and said, "That's very rude of you, sir, taking up three seats. Didn't you learn any manners! Where did you come from? "The man looked up helplessly and said, "The balcony!"
Hubby: As a start I think you should learn to "iron," then we coulddo without the ironing lady. Blonde Wife: Well if you would learn to fuck me properly we could dowithout the gardener.
A guy noticed that his buddy was troubled and asked what was wrong. "Ohhh, it's my girlfriend. " "Oh yeah? What's the problem? ""When I asked her if she could learn to love me," he said, "she asked me how much I was willing to spend on her education. "
Father: If I had ten oranges and gave you two, how many would I have left? Son: I don't know, because in school we learn on apples.
Dad: The only way to acquire a new skill is to start at the bottom. Son: But I want to learn to swim?
Patient: Doctor, I have a problem. I feel unhealthy and depressed. Doctor: You should cut down on drinks. Patient: I don't touch a drop. Doctor: You should cut down on smoking. Patient: I don't smoke. Doctor: You should stop taking drugs. Patient: I don't do drugs. Doctor: You should cut down on womanizing. Patient: Haven't touched a woman in my life. Doctor: In that case, get yourself a drink, learn to smoke, do some drugs, and find a couple of girlfriends!