Daylight Spending TimeWhen I was in junior high school my mother played agood trick on my father. She was always an earlyriser (as in 5:00 a. m. ). My father had to get up at7:00 for work. She went around the house and set allthe clocks to 9:25 or so, then ran frantically intohis room, and woke him up yelling "John! John! Youoverslept!" He was just about out the door before shebroke down and let him in on the joke.
It was the first day of school and a new student named Martinez, the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the fourth grade. The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said "Give me Liberty, or give me Death? " She saw a sea of blankfaces, except for Martinez, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775. " "Very good! Who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for thepeople, shall not perish from the earth'"? Again, no response except from Martinez: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863. ", saidMartinez. The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Martinez, who is new to our country, knows more about its history thanyou do. " She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans. ""Who said that? " she demanded. Martinez put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836. " At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke. " The teacher glares and asks "All right! Now, who said that? " Again, Martinez says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991. " Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!" Martinez jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to theteacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!" Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said, "You little shit. If yousay anything else, I'll kill you. " Martinez frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit toChandra Levy 2001. " The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're in BIG trouble!" Martinez said, "Saddam Hussein 2003. "
There were these three blokes sitting on the high cliffs of a lonely beach, with a rope going down into the surf and a Chinaman frantically trying to climb up. While they were sitting there a Priest walks along, looks over and says, "God bless you children, that's Christianity at work. May the lord bless you both," and then kept on walking. One bloke looks at the other, "Who the fuck was that? " "Oh," said the other bloke, "that's Father Johnston. He knows all there is about the bible. "The other bloke looked around and quickly says, "Well he knows fuck all about shark fishing. "
On visting a seriously ill lawyer in the hospital, his friend found himsitting up in the bed, frantically leafing through the bible "What areyou doing? " asked the friend. "Looking for loopholes," repied the lawyer.
The little darlings were all in their seats on the first day of school and their new teacher introduced herself. She wrote on the board that her name is Ms. Prussy and the day passed without any further incidents. The next morning after greeting the class she asked if anyone remembered her name and little johnny waved frantically. The teacher taken by his enthusiasm called on him. In a timid voice he said "Miss Crunt? "
A woman orders a chicken sandwhich and starts to choke. People are running frantically, trying to figure outwhat to do. Two homosexuals sitting in the corner wisperto each other and run in front of the choking lady. Onestrips out of his overalls, bends over butt naked in frontof his friend. His friend proceeds to lick the other's ass. Upon seeing this, the lady vomits forcing the lodged foodfrom her throat. After making sure the lady is OK, the twohomosexuals return to their food. One turns to the other and says,"Wow, that hind-lick manuever really works!"
|Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: "Jesus is watching you!" Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. "Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again. The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot. He asked the parrot: "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me? " "Yes", said the parrot. The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, and asked the parrot: "What's your name? " "Clarence," said the bird. "That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence? " The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiller Jesus. "
|A newfie wanted to learn how to sky dive. He got an instructor and started lessons. The instructor told the newfie to jump out of the plane and pull his rip cord. The instructor then explained that he himself would jump out right behind him so that they would go down together. The newfie understood and was ready. The time came to have the newfie jump from the air plane. The instructor reminded him that he would be right behind him. The newfie proceeded to jump from the plane and after being in the air for a few seconds pulled the rip cord. The instructor followed by jumping from the plane. The instructor pulled his rip cord but the parachute did not open. The instructor, frantically trying to get his parachute open, darted past the newfie. The newfie seeing this yelled, as he undid the straps to his parachute, "So you wanna race, eh? "
|A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child? " the doctor queries. "No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her *husband*!"
A blonde and a brunette decided to rob a bank. They quickly devised a good plan and they put their plan to action. The brunette drove up to the front of the bank that they had decided to rob. She turned to the blonde and asked her, "Now, do you remember what the plan is? " The blonde sighed and replied, "Yeah, yeah, I remember. . . " The brunette went over the plan once more and let the blonde out to do her stuff. Before the blonde could shut the door, the brunette yelled out, "Be sure to be in and out in no more than 5 minutes!" The blonde ran inside and the brunette waited in the car. . . and waited. . . and waited. . . and waited. . . and waited. After waiting for so long in the car, the blonde bursts out of the bank's doors, the alarm blaring loud enough to wake everyone up. The blonde was lugging a bank safe behind her by a rope tied around it. A security guard ran out of the bank, his pants down around his ankles and attempting to reach his gun. The blonde breathed heavily as she tried to put the safe in the car but finally just gave up and dropped the safe behind. She ran into the passenger seat and pulled the door shut, the car already moving. The security guard yelled, "Stop! Stop!" while the pair drove off, leaving the safe with rope tied tightly around it behind. The brunette frantically asked the blonde, "What the hell happened in there? !? " The blonde was panting and turned to the brunette and choked out, "What do you mean? I followed the plan exactly!" The brunette paused and yelled, "YOU IDIOT! YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO TIE UP THE GUARD AND BLOW THE SAFE!"
A blonde travels to Canada to seek her fortune as a lumberjack. She meets a foreman of a logging organization who offers to give her a job. "Now, I hope you realize we expect you to cut down at least 100 trees a day," the foreman told her. The blonde woman didn't see this as a problem, so she went out with the Chainsaw and did her best. She came back drenched in sweat. "Geez lady, how many trees did you cut down? " asked the foreman. "6" she replied. "What!? You have to do better than that. Get up earlier tomorrow!" So she did. Out she went with the chainsaw, she came back that night exhausted. "How many this time? " asked the foreman. "12" she said. The foreman says, "That does it. I'm coming out there with you tomorrow morning!" The next morning, the foreman reaches the first tree and says, "This is how to cut down trees really quickly. " He pulls the rope on the chainsaw and it gives off a loud BRRRRRRUUUMMM. He notices the blonde is looking at him frantically, so he asks her what's wrong. And she replies, "What the hell is that noise? "
A young couple decided to wed. As the big day approached, they grew apprehensive. Each had a problem they had never before shared with anyone, not even each other. The Groom-to-be, overcoming his fear, decided to ask his father for advice. "Father," he said, "I am deeply concerned about the success of my marriage. " His father replied, "Don't you love this girl? " "Oh yes, very much," he said, "but you see, I have very smelly feet, and I'm afraid that my fiance will be put off by them. " "No problem," said dad, "all you have to do is wash your feet as often as possible, and always wear socks, even to bed. " Well, to him this seemed a workable solution. The bride-to-be, overcoming her fear, decided to take her problem up with her mom. "Mom," she said, "When I wake up in the morning my breath is truly awful. " "Honey," her mother consoled, "everyone has bad breath in the morning. " "No, you don't understand,. My morning breath is so bad, I'm afraid that my fiance will not want to sleep in the same room with me. " Her mother said simply, "Try this. In the morning, get straight out of bed, and head for the kitchen and make breakfast. While the family is busy eating, move on to the bathroom and brush your teeth. The key is, not to say a word until you've brushed your teeth. " "I shouldn't say good morning or anything? " the daughter asked. "Not a word," her mother affirmed. "Well, it's certainly worth a try," she thought. The loving couple were finally married. Not forgetting the advice each had received, he with his perpetual socks and she with her morning silence, they managed quite well. That is, until about six months later. Shortly before dawn one morning, the husband wakes with a start to find that one of his socks had come off. Fearful of the consequences, he frantically searches the bed. This, of course, wakes his bride and without thinking, she asks, "What on earth are you doing? " "Oh, my," he replies, "you've swallowed my sock!"
It was the first day of school in Marietta, Georgia, and a new student named Suzuki, the son of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade. The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death? '"She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Suzuki, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775," he said. "Very good! Who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth'"? Again, no response except from Suzuki. "Abraham Lincoln, 1863. ", said Suzuki. The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Suzuki, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do. " he heard a loud whisper: "Fuck the Japs. ""Who said that? " she demanded. Suzuki put his hand up. "Lee Iacocca, 1982. " At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke. "The teacher glares and asks "All right! Now, who said that? " Again, Suzuki says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991. "Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!" Suzuki jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher: "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said, "You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you. " Suzuki frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy 2001. "The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're fucked. "Suzuki said, "The Taliban! 2001"
A man frantically calls 911 and says, "help. . . my wife has gone into labor and her contractions are 10 minutes apart". 911: "is this her first child? ". Man: "Of course not, you idiot. . . this is her husband"!
A Polak wanted to learn how to sky dive. He got an instructor andstarted lessons. The instructor told the Polak to jump out of theplane and pull his rip cord. The instructor then explained that hehimself would jump out right behind him so that they would go downtogether. The Polak understood and was ready. The time came to have the Polak jump from the air plane. Theinstructor reminded the Polak that he would be right behind him. ThePolak proceeded to jump from the plane and after being in the airfor a few seconds pulled the rip cord. The instructor followed byjumping from the plane. The instructor pulled his rip cord but theparachute did not open. The instructor, frantically trying to gethis parachute open, darted past the Polak. The Polak seeing this yelled, as he undid the straps to hisparachute, "So you wanna race, eh? "
A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!""Is this her first child? " the doctor queries. "No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"
Three men die and go to heaven. They meet up with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, and he says, "Well, there's not that much room left in heaven, so you have to tell me an interesting way that you died, and if it's interesting enough, I'll let you in. "So St. Peter goes into his office and calls in the first man. He says, "I was coming home from work one day early, and when I walked in the door, I had a strange suspicion that my wife was cheating on me. I walk into our room and sure enough, find her sprawled out naked alone on our bed. Sure that the guy was in the house, I searched frantically to find him. . . Under the bed, in the closet. . . Finally I found him hanging from our ledge on our balcony. Furious, I stepped on his hand and he went plummetting two stories down. However, he landed in a bush and I wasn't sure if he was dead yet. So I pushed the refrigerator out onto him. Later, I felt so guilty I committed suicide. ""Wow," said St. Peter, "that's a pretty fantastic story. "So St. Peter calls in the second guy. He said, "One day, I was having an argument with my wife. She gets so mad that she pushes me right out the window of our fourth-story apartment. So, quickly I grabbed onto the ledge of a balcony on the second floor. Then, suddenly, some nutcase steps on my hand and I go plummeting to the ground. Luckily I landed on a bush, but then the nutcase drops a fridge on me!"Then St. Peter called in the third guy. He says, "Alright, picture this: You're naked, and in a refrigerator. . . "
Once upon a time there were two men who had gone cliff climbing. Suddenly, one man lost his footing and went tumbling down to the bottom. The other man frantically screamed, "Roger!", and was relieved to hear a faint reply. "Okay Rodge," shouted Barry, "I'm gonna throw a rope down to you, so wrap it 'round one of your legs and. . " but before he could finish, he heard Roger call "But both my legs are broke. "Barry suggested his arms, to which the reply was "They're broken too!" So finally, Roger held on with his mouth. Barry struggled to pull up the rope, and when he was nearly there, Barry said, "You right there mate? " to which Rodger replied,"YYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSS. . . . . . . . "
A guy is walking past a high, solid wooden fence at the insane asylum and he hears all the residents inside chanting, "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!"He continues walking along the long fence, but, being a curious person, he can't help but wonder why they are chanting "Thirteen!" over and over. Could it be that they are chugging beer? Are they perhaps taking turns beating one of the inmates? Maybe they are counting the number of patients that have leapt off of the roof thus far. His curiosity peaks and he frantically searches for a hole in the fence so that he may see what is going on. Finally, he spots one a few feet ahead. The hole is low in the fence and he has to kneel down to peer inside. He moves into position and peeks into the hole. As he looks in, someone inside pokes him in the eye! Then everyone inside the asylum starts chanting, "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!"
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlightaround, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player toplace in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the darksaying, "Jesus is watching you. "He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out, andfroze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head,promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clickedthe light back on and began searching for more valuables. Just ashe pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear asa bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you. "Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for thesource of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, hisflashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that? " Hehissed at the parrot. "Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warnyou. "The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you? ""Moses," replied the bird. "Moses? " the burglar laughed. "What kind of stupid people would namea parrot Moses? "The bird promptly answered, "Probably the same kind of people thatwould name a Rotweiller "Jesus"!