A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you. " She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, A Blonde. " The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The Blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow Blonde? "
A Blonde A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you. " She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, A Blonde. " The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The Blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow Blonde? "
I HAD A BAD DAY It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that, in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bad day the day you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the following day. So the next day at 12:01 the first person came to the gates of Heaven. The angel at the gate, remembering about the new law, promptly told the man, "Before I can let you in, I need you to tell me about the day you died. " "No problem. " said the man. "Well, for some time now, I've thought my wife was having an affair. I believed that each day on her lunch hour, she'd bring her lover home to our 25th floor apartment and have sex with him. So today I was going to come home too and catch them. Well, I got there and busted in and immediately began searching for this guy. My wife was half-naked and yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. But, damn it, I couldn't find him! Just as I was going to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy to think he could hide from me! Well, I ran out there and promptly stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some bushes that broke his fall and he didn't die. This pissed me off even more, so in a rage I went back inside to get the first thing I could get my hands on to throw at him. And oddly enough, the first thing I could grab was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony and heaved it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him! The excitement of the moment was so great that right after that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly. " The angel sat back and though for a moment. Technically, the guy DID have a bad day, and it was a crime of passion, so he announced, "OK, Sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in. A few seconds later the next guy came up. "OK, here's the rule. Before I can let you in, I need to hear about the day you died. " "Sure thing" the man replied. "But you're not gonna believe this. I was out on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises when I got a little carried away and accidentally fell over the side! Luckily however, I was able to catch myself by my fingertips on the balcony directly beneath mine. When all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment and starts cussing and stomping on my fingers! Well, of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes on the way down which broke my fall so I didn't die right away. As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move and in excruciating pain, I see the man push his refrigerator, of all things, over the ledge and it falls directly on top of me and kills me!" The angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story. "I could get used to this new policy," he thinks to himself. "Very well," the angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and he lets the man enter. A few seconds later the third man in line comes up to the gate. "Tell me about the day you died," said the angel. "OK, picture this, " says the man. "I'm naked inside a Refrigerator. . . . . . . "
My penis made me locally famous. I didn't find out about it until I got tothe University. Before then my experience with women was non-existent. I'dbeen at a boys' school, and anyway I was pretty spotty. I couldn't believewhen, all of a sudden, at the Freshman Ball, I was snuggling. I was evenmore amazed when we were in her room. We were both wasted. I didn't have aclue how to behave, I was terrified, but she knew what to do and in no time we were naked, in bed. She was kissing my mouth. My neck. My chest, my stomach, my. . . . -- She stopped. "Oh my goodness!" she said, incredulous, "Your cock tastes just likeCHOCOLATE!"Melanie (her name) wasn't a shy girl. She must have told her friend Suzy. I realized this the next day when a very attractive girl, with hip clothes and trainers, approached me in the Union Bar and just started chatting. This had NEVER happened to me before. She asked me if I wanted to hear a new CD she'd bought, and then we were in her room. Halfway through the second track we were naked. She'd hardly even kissed me before her face disappeared under the duvet. "It does!", she exclaimed suddenly. "It bloody well DOES!!"Two weeks into college I was still a virgin. I had, however, received twenty three blowjobs from twelve different girls and heard words such as'incredible', 'amazing', `Bournville', 'Swiss' and 'Belgian' exclaimed bymops of hair beneath my bedclothes. I had also been requested to immersemyself in a glass of milk and move vigorously to see if any of the flavorrubbed off. It didn't. I went to the Doctor. She didn't believe me. Nor did she try it out, which I thought shockingly unscientific. But she did see the state I was in and gave me a salve. Okay, so I'll admit it. For the first year it was great. I could have loads of women, any time I wanted. I got cunning and made them sleep with me first. I got fussy. All the guys on campus were jealous. People who didn't know me looked wide eyed to see one or more stunning girls on the arm of a spotty, pale youth, with lank dark hair and glasses. "What's he got? ", they seemed to ask themselves. When the second year came I got really tired of it. There was a whole newyear of girls who wanted to try me out. I felt like an object. A specimen. And there was something missing from my life, a yearning. I tried to haveconversations with girls, in the coffee bar say, but all the time their eyes would be flicking to my crotch. Their tongues would run over their lips, their eyes would glaze over. I would make a hasty excuse and leave. It was about this time I began to get really upset about it. Everyone had started calling me Hob Nob. When I say "everyone", it's not quite true: Some people called me WillyWonka. Hey, it is NOT funny! I was a person! I was more than a sexual organ thatjust happened to be flavored like confectionery. Everyone stared at me. All the girls laughed when they saw me. I overheard them talking about me. About it! I think I had a bit of a breakdown, I couldn't take it. All through my third year I stayed in. I saw no one. I had given up on my little University world. Everyone knew everything. Because I didn't have anything to do I studied all the time. I did well and then I went to New York, Columbia, for a Masters. I took a deep breath of fresh air. Fantastic!It was great! Nobody knew me! If it hadn't been for the lousy beer it would have been perfect. I met Laurie a few months later and we started to go out. I'd seen her around in the cafeteria on campus, but it was only when I heard her give a paper on radical feminism that I really noticed her. She wrote about the politics of oral sex. She stood at the lectern in black jeans, white tee shirt, her hair tied back severely, her little fists clenching to emphasize a point. "Oral sex", she had concluded, "is degrading. The worship of the phallusonly serves to enforce the enslavement of women. No woman should ever do it, and I certainly won't do it ever again. Ever. Thank you. "She stepped down from the platform to rapturous applause from a room mainly filled by women. I was enraptured, entranced. I had to get to know her. Well, eventually we got it together. Having no chocolate penis to rely on, I had to be myself and for a long time she wasn't interested. But then it all happened. Nights discussing politics, poetry, walks in the park, old Cocteau movies. Love, smooth and slow, calm as an angel. About a year after we met, she was lying in my bed, naked, her black hair blooming like an impossible rose against my sheets, her flawless skin almost as white as they were. I was so happy. I started to kiss her, to cover her with kisses. I wanted to adore her, to make her feel better than anything; sighs escaped her like wind from a wood across a wheat field. . . "No!" she said. She took me by the scruff of the neck. "Not there!"I stopped. "Why not? ", I asked. "I knew it", she said firmly. "I won't do it to you in return. I won't. Not. . . ""I know," I assured her. "I *want* to do it to you. But I don't want you to do it to me, ever. ""You will", she said, "You will! I knew this would happen. . . "I didn't listen to her. I knew. There was no way I'd let her even if shewanted to. Never. I covered the insides of her thighs with my face andrested my hands on the tops of her legs. I pushed them apart slightly. Sheresisted a little but then she opened her legs wider and I --I lifted my head up. "Guinness!" I cried, "Guinness!!"
|A blonde, out of money and down on her luck after buying air at a real bargain, needed money desperately. To raise cash, she decided to kidnap a child and hold him for ransom. She went to the local playground, grabbed a kid randomly, took her behind a building, and told her, "I've kidnapped you. "She then wrote a big note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and leave it under the apple tree next to the slides on the south side of the playground. Signed, A blonde. " The blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the apple tree. The blonde looked in the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow blonde? "
A blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I’ve kidnapped you. " She then wrote a note saying, "I’ve kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, A Blonde. " The blonde pinned the note to the kid’s shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The blonde opened up the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow blonde? "
These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations. Sign for a litter of dachshund pups: "Get a `long` little doggie!" Sign in a cafeteria: "Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. In pencil beneath the sign: Socks can eat anyplace they want. " Sign on a music library's door: "Bach in a minuet. " Sign in a restaurant window: "T-bone steak $1 Then, in fine print underneath: With meat $12" A hardware store in Oregon has a sign that reads: "Today's special. Below it says: So's tomorrow. " Sign on restaurant window: "Great food (50,000 flies can't be wrong). " Billboard facing the road in front of a funeral home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait. " Sign in a Maine restaurant: "Open 7 days a week and weekends. " Sign in school: "In case of atomic attack, the federal ruling concerning prayer in this building will be temporarily suspended. "
A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am. "The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude. ""You must be an engineer," said the balloonist. "I am," replied the woman. "How did you know? ""Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far. "The woman below responded, "You must be in management. " "I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know? " "Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault!"
Famous interpretations of "Why did the Chicken cross the road? "Bill Clinton:I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken, please. . . Louis Farrakhan:The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample him down!Colonel Sanders:I missed one? L. A Poliece Department:Give us five minutes with the chicken, and we'll find out. Jerry Falwell:Because the chicken was gay! isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the other side. thats what "they" call it: the "other side". Yes, my friends the chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too!Ronald Regan:What Chicken? Saddam Hussein:This was an unprovoked act of rebellion, and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it!ROBERT DE NIRO: Are you telling me the chicken crossed that road? Is that what you're telling me? Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain. Marting Luther King, Jr. : I envision a world where all chickens, be they black or white or brown or red or speckled, will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question. Grandpa: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us. Aristotle: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road. Karl Marx: It was a historical inevitability. Captain James T. Kirk: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before. Fox Mulder: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it's true? Freud: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity. How do you feel about your mother? Bill Gates: We have just released eChicken 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs (only in the proprietary brown_ms. egg format), file your important documents, and balance your chequebook and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken. The CIA: Who told you about the chicken? Did you see the chicken? There was no chicken. Please step into the car, sir. Einstein: Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken.
I woke early one morning, The earth lay cool and still When suddenly a tiny bird Perch on my window sill. He sang a song so lovely So carefree and so gay, That slowly all my troubles, Began to slip away. He sang of far off places, Of laughter and of fun, It seemed his very trilling, Brought up the morning sun. I stirred beneath the covers Crept slowly out of bed, And gently lowered the window And crushed his freakin' head!
Why did the chicken cross the road? :JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side. " That's what "they" call it: the "other side. " Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side. " That chicken should not be free to cross the road. It's as plain and simple as that. PAT BUCHANAN: To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American. DR. SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I've not been told!ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain. MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR. : I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question. GRANDPA: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us. ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road. KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability. SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it. RONALD REAGAN: What chicken? CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before. FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it? MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was. FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity. BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken 98, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken. EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken? BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken please? IMMANUEL KANT: The chicken was acting out of a sense of duty to cross the road, as chickens have traditionally crossed roads throughout history. THE BIBLE: And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, Thou shalt cross the road. " And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing. COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one? RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did not cross the road. I don't know any chickens. I have never known any chickens.
If your favorite color is:RED Tend to be tigers in the sack. They are easily aroused and enjoy sex in every way imaginable. Once the sexual spark is lighted, it may take hours to extinguish. When two Reds get together, the ensuing erotica could make Lady Chatterley blush. Lovers of Red tend to be the aggressors and weaker colors should beware!YELLOW If you tend to favor Yellow your sexual drivers are complex and lean toward the adaptable. The favorite color of homosexuals is Yellow! No don't panic, not everyone who wears Yellow is gay. In most cases the person will acquiesce to the stronger partner's desires in a passive manner. You will never enjoy sex to the fullest, but you will never turn down an invitation from someone you enjoy or admire. PURPLE Lovers of the color Purple frequently consider themselves too regal for a fun romp in the sack. Women sometimes are the type who hate to muss their hair. Men are businesslike in their approach to lovemaking. In both sexes, Purple partners are more concerned with their fulfillment than anyone else's gratification. BLACK Black color preferences point to Black sex. These people are the misfits of the sex world and seek out each other in kinship. They tend to prefer perverted sex and are usually masochistic or sadistic in nature. They are moody people and often perform at their peak when under stress or during unhappy times. Police psychiatrists claim that many sex offenders prefer the color Black. And it is no coincidence that the uniform of monsters and teenaged gangs is Black attire. GREEN Those who prefer Green are fresh and innocent in their approach to sex. Women who love Green will make love like virgins all of their life. And a man may always be a trifle clumsy and awkward, but in a charming and endearing sort of way. Green lovers are gentle, but not passionate. If chosen as a mate, one will never need worry about infidelity. PINK Persons who like Pink show a reluctance to mature in sexual matters. Women tend to tease; to promise more than they intend to deliver. In some cases, they flaunt their femininity - but because they secretly hate men. A great percentage of prostitutes boast entire lingerie wardrobes in Pink. Men who like Pink are philanderers and flirts. They are the type who will take three dates for the same evening and not keep one; preferring to pick up a dish in some bar, instead. Women whose husbands like Pink should keep a secret nest egg for when they are deserted. Pink indicates a tendency to squander money. ORANGE People who favor Orange tend to have sexual fantasies. The sex act is regarded as a dramatic role, a one-act play in which they are the star. Foreplay is as important as the act of love. They whisper sweet nothings; meaningless dialogue they feel fits their image. Orange people often do not experience orgasm, but they put on a darn good act. Men tend to pull their partner's hair and women leave red welts on their sex partners back. But the bruises and the ballyhoo add up to nothing. BROWN If you love Brown, you are a real treasure for the right mate. Brown lovers tend to be warm and deep. Sensitive to the needs and desires of their partners. Sex is a 24-hour a day thing to them. They can't say "I Love You" often enough. Snuggling by the fire, walking in the rain or catching snowflakes on their tongue is a turn on to a lover of Brown. They need lots of time and privacy to make love. But their emotions are such that one harsh word could end the affair. GRAY The color Gray is preferred by people who are indecisive. They can't get excited about anything - including colors - so they choose a noncommittal shade. Men who prefer Gray look at sex as a means of relieving tension, (nothing more, nothing less). It's wham, bam, thank you ma'am. Women who prefer Gray don't make love, they have intercourse. And for one of two reasons, to accommodate their mate or to become pregnant. They count the cracks in the bedroom plaster until the sex act is over with and done. When a Gray marries another Gray, the marriage is made in heaven. But when teamed with another color, the Gray spouse considers the color's infidelity a blessing. BLUE Lovers of Blue are wonderful sex partners. They are sincere, affectionate and sensitive to their partners needs. They consider lovemaking a fine art and their approach is elegant. Men who love Blue are like concert pianists; delicately ravaging their partner like they would play a baby grand. Women in the Blue category enjoy sex to the fullest. They are exciting partners, but their passion might be compared to tidal waves rather than fiery aggression. Both men and women enjoy foreplay and the aftermath of love-making as much as the sex act itself. In marriage, a Blue person is a wonderful mate - never failing to please the spouse and never seeking outside interests. WHITE If a person in infatuated with White, sex often seems dirty. These people are puritanical in nature. French kissing is obscene and to make love in daylight in unheard of. Women who love White will undress beneath the covers. Men will shower before and after the sex act. These people will use pet names for their genitals.
I'm glad I'm a woman, yes I am, yes I am I don't live off of Budweiser, beer nuts and Spam I don't brag to my buddies about my erections I won't drive to Hell before I ask for directions I don't get wasted at parties and act like a clown and I know how to put the damned toilet seat down!I won't grab your hooters, I won't pinch your butt my belt buckle's not hidden beneath my beer gut and I don't go around "readjusting" my crotch or yell like Tarzan when my head-board gets a notch I don't belch in public, I don't scratch my behindI'm a woman you see -- I'm just not that kind! I'm glad I'm a woman, I'm so glad I could sing I don't have body hair like shag carpeting It doesn't grow from my ears or cover my back When I lean over you can't see 3 inches of crackAnd what's on my head doesn't leave with my comb I'll never buy a toupee to cover my dome Or have a few hairs pulled from over the sideI'm a woman, you know -- I've got far too much pride! And I honestly think its a privilege for me to have these two boobs and squat when I pee I don't live to play golf and shoot basketball I don't swagger and spit like a Neanderthal I won't tell you my wife just does not understand stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep!Yes, I'm glad I'm a woman, a woman you see you can forget all about that old penis envy I don't long for male bonding, I don't cruise for chicks join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick I'm a woman by chance and I'm thankful it's true I'm so glad I'm a woman and not a man like you!
What do you call an unemployed jester? . . . Nobody's fool. Half of being smart is knowing what you're dumb at. Why politicians don't enjoy the game of golf -- Because for them, it's too much like their work -- you know, being trapped in one bad lie after another. Feminist's lament: "I think, therefore I am single. "Sign on the door of the maternity ward at the hospital: "Push . . . Push . . . Push!"Sign in a podiatrist's window: "Time wounds all heels. "Sign on a parking space at a garden nursery: "Reserved for plant manager. "Sign on a door to a psychiatric ward: "Please do not disturb further. "Sign in a veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"Elbonics: Two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater. Natives who beat drums to drive off evil spirits are objects of scornto smart Americans who blow horns to break up traffic jams. If a tree falls in a forest, and hits a mime, does anybody say anything about it? Never face facts; if you do, you'll never get up in the morning. Reality is the leading cause of stress for those in touch with it. What do you say to a Buddhist hot dog vendor? . . . Make me one with everything. What kind of rocks are on the bottom of the Mississippi River? . . . WET rocks. Many of us would be delighted to pay as we go if we could only catch up from paying as we've already gone. Personals Ad: "Financially Unstable Man - I owe everyone money. If you're not one of my creditor, I'd like to meet you. Send phone, mine was repossessed. Stanley, Box 99. "Personals Ad: "Physician, 35 - Desires to meet that special woman with real inner beauty. Send X- rays to: Dr. Mellonchop, BOX 67. "Sign in a cafeteria: "Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. " (Then, in pencil beneath the sign): "Socks can eat anyplace they want. "Sign in a restaurant window: "T-bone: 99 Cents. " (Then, in fine print underneath: "With meat: $14. 95"). A hardware store has a sign that reads: "Today's special. (Then, below it,in pencil): "So's tomorrow. "Sign in an Austrian hotel catering to mountain climbers: "Not to perambulate the corridors during the hours of repose in the boots of ascension. "Chinese proverb: "If thine enemy wrong thee, buy each of his children drum. "How can there be self-help "groups"? If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi? If a mute swears, does his mother make him wash his hands with soap? If someone has a mid-life crises while playing hide & seek, does he automatically lose because he can't find himself? If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation? Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow, but only to be troubled and insecure? Is there another word for synonym? Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"? When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their picket signs? When you open a new bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be Thrown away? Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
I'm glad I'm a woman, yes I am, yes I amI don't live off of Budweiser, beer nuts and SpamI don't brag to my buddies about my erectionsI won't drive to Hell before I ask for directionsI don't get wasted at parties and act like a clownand I know how to put the damned toilet seat down!I won't grab your hooters, I won't pinch your buttmy belt buckle's not hidden beneath my beer gutand I don't go around "readjusting" my crotchor yell like Tarzan when my head-board gets a notchI don't belch in public, I don't scratch my behindI'm a woman you see -- I'm just not that kind!I'm glad I'm a woman, I'm so glad I could singI don't have body hair like shag carpetingIt doesn't grow from my ears or cover my backWhen I lean over you can't see 3 inches of crackAnd what's on my head doesn't leave with my combI'll never buy a toupee to cover my domeOr have a few hairs pulled from over the sideI'm a woman, you know -- I've got far too much pride!And I honestly think its a privilege for meto have these two boobs and squat when I peeI don't live to play golf and shoot basketballI don't swagger and spit like a NeanderthalI won't tell you my wife just does not understandstick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold bandor tell you a story to make you sigh and weepthen screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep!Yes, I'm glad I'm a woman, a woman you seeyou can forget all about that old penis envyI don't long for male bonding, I don't cruise for chicksjoin the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dickI'm a woman by chance and I'm thankful it's trueI'm so glad I'm a woman and not a man like you!
A middle-aged businessman took a young woman half his age as his wife. The fantasy of having a young woman in his bed soon became a nightmare when he found that he could not last long enough to satisfy his young bride. His wife, as understanding as she was exciting, told him that all was well even if he was quick to get out of the saddle. Determined to satisfy this sweet young thing, the man visited the doctor to get some advice. "Doctor, I can't seem to hold back for very long when I make love to my young wife and I can't satisfy her. What can I do? "The doctor smiled, patted him on the shoulder, and said in a professional manner, "Try a bit of self-stimulation before having intercourse with your wife and you'll find that you'll last longer and ultimately satisfy her. ""Okay, Doctor. If you think that will help. "Later that afternoon, his young bride called him at work to let him know that she would be attacking him at the front door when he arrived home. "Be prepared, my darling. I'm going to ravish you," she cooed over the phone. Undaunted, the man decided to follow the doctor's advice. But where? In the office? The Xerox room? What if someone walked in on him? He got in his truck and began the journey home. Soon he decided he would find a spot on the road to pull over, climb underneath the truck and pretend to be inspecting the rear axle, and do the deed there. A moment later, he pulled over, crawled beneath the truck, closed his eyes tightly, fantasized about his young wife, and began his "therapy". A few minutes later, just as he was about to complete his therapy session, he felt someone tugging on his pants leg. Keeping his eyes tightly shut to avoid ruining the fantasy he was enjoying, he said, "Yes? ""Sir, I'm with the Police Department. Could you tell me what you are doing, please? " said the officer. "Yes, officer, I'm inspecting my truck's rear axle," he replied confidently. "Well, why don't you check the brakes while you're down there. Your truck rolled down the hill a few minutes ago. "
A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you. "She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, A Blonde". The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the Blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The Blonde opened up the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said,"How could you do this to a fellow Blonde? "
I'M GLAD I'M A WOMANI'm glad I'm a woman, yes I am, yes I am. I don't live off of Budweiser, Beer Nuts and Spam. I don't brag to my buddies about my erections. I won't drive to Hell before I ask for directions. I don't get wasted at parties, and act like a clown. And I know how to put that damned toilet seat down! I won't grab your hooters, I won't pinch your butt. My belt buckle's not hidden beneath my beer gut. And I don't go around "re-adjusting" my crotch, or yell like Tarzan when my headboard gets a notch. I don't belch in public, I don't scratch my behind. I'm a woman you see-I'm just not that kind! I'm glad I'm a woman, I'm so glad I could sing. I don't have body hair like shag carpeting. It doesn't grow from my ears or cover my back. When I lean over you can't see 3 inches of crack. And what's on my head doesn't leave with my comb. I'll never buy a toupee to cover my dome. Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side. I'm a woman, you know-I've got far too much pride! And I honestly think its a privilege for me, to have these two boobs and squat when I pee. I don't live to play golf and shoot basketball. I don't swagger and spit like a Neanderthal. I won't tell you my wife just does not understand, Or stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band. Or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep, Then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep! Yes, I'm so very glad I'm a woman, you see. Forget all about that old penis envy. I don't long for male bonding, I don't cruise for a chick. Join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick. I'm a woman by chance and I'm thankful, it's true. I'm so glad I'm a woman and not a man like you!
The setting is a quiet and serene country stream weaving through the gentle hills of a grassy plain. All is quiet and still, and, lo, a small fly hovers a few inches above the quiet waters of the stream. Beneath the water floats a small fish. The fish thinks to itself, if that fly just drops two inches, I will be able to jump out of the water and catch it. Now, standing on the bank of the stream lurks a bear. The bear looks at the scene and thinks to itself, if that fly drops just two inches, then the fish will jump out of the water to catch it, and I will be able to dash into the stream and snap up the fish in my mouth. Crouching nearby the stream, in the tall grass, waits a hunter. The hunter looks at the scene and thinks to himself, if that fly drops just two inches, then the fish will spring out of the water to catch it, then bear will dash out into the river, and I'll get a clear shot at the bear. Sitting at the entrance to its hole, is a small field mouse. Looking at the scene, the mouse thinks to itself, if that fly just drops two inches, then fish will leap out of the water, the bear will rush out at the fish, the hunter will take a shot at the bear, and I'll have just enough time to run out and grab the cheese in the hunter's sack. Lazing in a tree which overhangs the river, is a cat. The cat looks down at the scene, and thinks to itself, if that fly drops two inches, the fish will jump up to catch it, and the bear will come out to catch the fish, the hunter will take a shot at the bear, and the mouse will run to get the cheese . . . then I'll be able to pounce down onto the mouse as it leaves its hole. Suddenly, the fly drops two inches . . . Immediately everyone is thrown into wild furious action. The fish leaps out of the water, and snaps the fly in its mouth. The bear lunges into the stream and catches the fish in its mouth. The hunter bursts out of his grassy cover and fires at the bear. The mouse forgets totally about the cheese, and the cat gets such a fright it overbalances and falls into the stream . . . What's the moral of the story? If a fly drops two inches, a pussy gets wet!