Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Clause. Unfortunately, so did my parents, so I never got anything!-Charlie Viracola
A buxom blonde wore, at a charity ball, an enormous diamond. "It happens to be the third most famous diamond in the whole world," she boasted. "The first is the Hope Diamond, then comes the Kohinoor, and then comes this one, which is called Lipshitz. ""What a diamond!""How lucky you are!""Wait, wait, nothing in life is all mazel ", said the diamonded lady, "Unfortunately, with this famous Lipshitz diamond you must take the famous Lipshitz curse!"The ladies buzzed and asked, "And what's the Lipshitz curse? ""Lipshitz," sighed the lady.
One day a housewife was going about the usual business of cleaning the house, when she suddenly felt intensely horny. Unfortunately, her husband was still at work, so she resorted to stripping off all her clothes and started to masturbate. She got very excited, rubbing herself and moaning, and when her husband walked in, she was writhing in the middle of the living room floor. He glanced through the mail and said to his wife, "Honey, when you're finished vacuuming the floor, could you get started on dinner? "
While away at a convention, an executive happened to meet a young woman who was pretty and intelligent. When he persuaded her to disrobe in his hotel room, he found out she had a superb body as well. Unfortunately, the executive found himself unable to perform. On his first night home, the executive walked from the shower into thebedroom to find his wife covered in a rumpled bathrobe, her hair curled, her face creamed, munching candy loudly while she pored through a movie magazine. Then, without warning, he felt the onset of a magnificent erection. Looking down at this, he snarled, "Why you ungrateful, mixed-up son of a bitch. Now I know why they call you a prick!"
As a man ages, it is natural that his hair starts thinning. It is a well-known fact that when a man is bald at the frontof his head, it? s because he? s a great thinker. Also, when a man is bald at the back of his head, it? sbecause he? s sexy. Unfortunately, when a man is bald both front and back, heonly thinks he? s sexy. . . Sent by Buddy
A group of Americans was touring Ireland. One of the women in the group was a real curmudgeon, constantly complaining. The bus seats are uncomfortable. The food is terrible. It's too hot. It's too cold. The accommodations are awful. The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone. "Good luck will be followin' ya all your days if you kiss the Blarney Stone,"the guide said. "Unfortunately, it's being cleaned today and so no one willbe able to kiss it. Perhaps we can come back tomorrow. ""We can't be here tomorrow," the nasty woman shouted. "We have some other boring tour to go on. So I guess we can't kiss the stupid stone. ""Well now," the guide said, "it is said that if you kiss someone who has kissed the stone, you'll have the same good fortune. ""And I suppose you've kissed the stone," the woman scoffed. "No, ma'am," the frustrated guide said, "but I've sat on it. "
|There was a terrible bus accident. Unfortunately, no one survived the accident except a monkey which was on board and there were no witnesses. The police try to investigate further but they get no results. At last, they try to interrogate the monkey. The monkey seems to respond to their questions with gestures. Seeing that, they start asking the questions. The police chief asks, "What were the people doing on the bus? "The monkey shakes his head in a condemning manner and starts dancing around; meaning the people were dancing and having fun. The chief asks, "Yeah, but what else were they doing? ". The monkey uses his hand and takes it to his mouth as if holding a bottle. The chief says, "Oh! They were drinking, huh? ? !" The chief continues, "Okay, were they doing anything else? "The monkey nods his head and moves his mouth back and forth, meaning they were talking. The chief loses his patience, "If they were having such a great time, who was driving the stupid bus then? "The monkey cheerfully swings his arms to the sides as if grabbing a wheel.
|1. I'm really keen to work for you, I hear the drugs are good. 2. I regret that I have no references. Unfortunately, every company I have worked for has since closed down. 3. I'll kill myself if I don't get a job. 4. I know where you live. 5. Any sentence beginning with "I was recently acquitted. "6. I'm really tall, so I think I'd be well suited to this job. 7. Happy faces. 8. By the way, I understand that you have unmarried daughters. 9. I'm confident that I'll get this job. The voices told me.
|A blonde was visiting Washington, DC for the first time. She wanted to see the Capitol building. Unfortunately, she couldn't find it, so she asked a police officer for directions, "Excuse me, officer, how do I get to the Capitol building? "The officer replied, "Wait here at this bus stop for the number 54 bus. It'll take you right there. " She thanked the officer and he drives off. Three hours later the police officer returned to the same area and, sure enough, the blonde is still waiting at the same bus stop. The officer got out of his car and said, "Excuse me, but to get to the Capitol building, I said to wait here for the number 54 bus. That was three hours ago. Why are you still waiting? "The blonde replied, "Don't worry, officer, it won't be long now. The 45th bus just went by!"
|From Reuters News Service:Canada's Ottawa Citizen newspaper recently printed a recipe for Chanterelle Lemon Pasta in its food section, calling for one cup of Chanterelle mushrooms. They even provided a helpful photograph so amateur mushroom hounds could find their own growing in the wild. Unfortunately, the photograph instead showed Destroying Angels, which are deadly when eaten.
A blonde was visiting Washington, DC for the first time. She wanted to see the Capitol building. Unfortunately, she couldn't find it, so she asked a police officer for directions -"Excuse me, officer, how do I get to the Capitol building? "The officer replied, "Wait here at this bus stop for the number 54 bus. It'll take you right there. " She thanked the officer and he drives off. Three hours later the police officer returned to the same area and,sure enough, the blonde is still waiting at the same bus stop. The officer got out of his car and said, "Excuse me, but to get to the Capitol building, I said to wait here for the number 54 bus and that was three hours ago! Why are you still waiting? "The blonde replied, "Don't worry, officer, it won't be long now. . . The 45th bus just went by!"
There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
In response to calls for sexual equity, Pillsbury recently added a newPillsbury Doughgirl character to the well known Doughboy. Unfortunately, she couldn't come to work this week because she had a yeast infection.
A doctor is to give a speech at the local AMA dinner. He jots down notes for his speech. Unfortunately, when he stands in front of his colleagues later that night, he finds that he can't read his notes. So he asks, "Is there a pharmacist in the house? "
A man was out driving in his car when all of a sudden a rooster ran out in front of his car, he tried to miss it but unfortunately he ran over the rooster & killed it. He decided that he should go & tell the farmer, so he got out of his car & walked across the road to the farm, walked up to the front door & knocked, the farmer came to the door & the man said "I'm afraid I've killed your rooster, please let me replace him". The farmer said "Help yourself, the hens are out in the back".
Speech Recognition Software DemoAt a recent Sacramento PC User's Group meeting, a company was demonstrating its latest speech-recognition software. A representative from the company was just about ready to start the demonstration and asked everyone in the room to quiet down. Just then someone in the back of the room yelled,"Format C: Return. "Someone else chimed in:"Yes, Return"Unfortunately, the software worked. . .
The latest news is, that Bill Clinton has bought a new cigar holder. Unfortunately, due to security reasons, they can't tell us her name!
Peter and Jim were partners in a profitable painting-contracting business. Unfortunately, they weren't entirely honest, because they mixed their paint with water. One day Jim's conscience started to bother him as they painted a poor widow's house. The next day Jim told Peter he just couldn't be dishonest anymore. "Don't quit now," Peter begged. "A few more jobs and we can retire. "Jim refused to change his mind. "Peter," he said. "I just can't do it. Last night an angel stood by my bed and said - 'Repaint, repaint. . . you thinner. '"
Mr. Johnson, a businessman from Wisconsin, went on a business trip toLouisiana. He immediately sent an e-mail back home to his wife, Jennifer (JenJohnson@AOL. com). Unfortunately, he forgot his wife's exact email address and the e-mail ended up going to a Mrs. Joan Johnson (JJohnson@AOL. com) of New Jersey, the wife of a preacher who had just passed away. The preacher's wife took one look at the e-mail and promptly fainted. When she was finally revived by her daughter, she nervously pointed to the message, which read: "Arrived safely, but it sure is hot down here. "