On a very cold winter night, three homeless men huddled up close to keep warm. In the morning, the guy on the right says, "I had a dream that someone was pulling on my dick. "The guy on the left says, "I also had a dream that someone was pulling on my dick. ""The guy in the middle says, "I had a dream that I went skiing. "
Son : Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady. Mum : Well, you have done the right thing. Son : But mom, I was sitting on daddy's lap.
Woman: Two *Achoo!* tickets, please. Clerk: Have you purchased tickets here before? Woman: *cough* No. Clerk: Then I need your address. Woman: Okay. It's 260. . *AHEM* Sorry. . Laryngitis. . . Clerk: You'll have to spell that one for me.
A man spoke frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child? " the emergency operator asked. "No, you idiot!" the man shouted. "This is her husband!"
There was a guy sitting at a bar having a beer. Up walks a so called "lady of the night". Shesays, "For $300. 00, I'll do anything you want. "Our fine lad thinks for a moment then says:Ok. Paint my house, bitch!
This guy's in the rear of a full elevator and he shouts, "Ballroomplease. " A lady standing in front of him turns around and says, "I'm sorry, I didn't realize I was crowding you. "
The Director of the Scottish Tartans Museum, Dr Michael MacDonaldwas in America. An old lady fixed her gaze on his 17th Centurysporran and asked, "What, exactly, do you keep in your scrotum? "
This bloke was ordered from the pool for pissing in the water. "That's ridiculous!" he shouted at the pool manager. "Everybody does it,you know. ""That may be so," came the reply, "but usually not from the diving board. "
A guy says to a salesgirl, "I want to buy some toilet paper. "She says, "What color? "He says, "Just give me white. I'll color it myself. "
A woman went to the bar with a black eye. "How'd ya get that? " asked the bartender. "From my husband," she replied. "But I thought he was out of town? " he asked. "So did I!" she said.
A guy calls the hospital. He says, "You gotta send help! My wife's goinginto labor!"The nurse says, "Calm down. Is this her first child? "He says, "No! This is her husband!"
Innkeeper: The room is $15. a night. It's $5. if you make your own bed. Guest: I'll make my own bed. Innkeeper: Good. I'll get you some nails and wood.
Cop coming upon a young couple making out. . . . Cop: What the hell are you two doing? Boy: See honey, I told ya cops were stupid.
This guy goes to sperm bank to give a sample. So the girl At the front desk says to him:"Thank you for coming. "
How do you know when the barmaid is really pissed off? When you find a string in your bloody mary.
A guy walks into a drugstore operated by a prudish woman. He asks, "Can I have a dozen condoms, Miss? " "Don't Miss me, mister. " "Well then, you better make it 13. "
Consider the following:Female guitar player shouting at her boyfriend in acrowded shopping mall: "Don't forget, sweetheart,I need a new G string!"
A department store had to call off its special summer sale in August because of a conflict -- its Christmas sale was beginning two days later.
Imagine you`re in a room with no windows and no doors,how do you get out? Stop imagining!Sent by Cally
A woman enters a butcher shop and asks the counter assistant,"Do you have pigs ears? "The counter assistant replies,"No, its just the way my hair is parted!"