So my sister, a natural blond graduating from the University of North Carolina Law School, is job hunting. I suggested that since Microsoft is building up their legal team, she should send them a resume and become a southern blond Microsoft lawyer -- and be the butt of any joke on the internet.
Microsoft Addresses Justice Department AccusationsREDMOND, Wash. - Oct. 23, 1997 -- In direct response to accusations made by the Department of Justice, the Microsoft Corp. announced today that it will be acquiring the federal government of the United States of America for an undisclosed sum. "It's actually a logical extension of our planned growth", said Microsoft chairman Bill Gates, "It really is going to be a positive arrangement for everyone".
Interesting things about Monica Lewinsky: - Nobody would know about her if it weren't for Bill - She sucks - She blows - She's bloated - She's the focus of a huge legal battle - She'll go down in a heartbeat Who does she think she is, Microsoft Windows?
If Microsoft made toasters. . . Every time you bought a loaf of bread, you would have to buya toaster. You wouldn't have to take the toaster, but you'dstill have to pay for it anyway. Toaster'95 would weigh 15000pounds (hence requiring a reinforced steel countertop), drawenough electricity to power a small city, take up 95% of thespace in your kitchen, would claim to be the first toasterthat let's you control how light or dark you want your toastto be, and would secretly interrogate your other appliances tofind out who made them. Everyone would hate Microsoft toasters,but nonetheless would buy them since most of the good breadonly works with their toasters.
|One of Microsoft's finest technicans was drafted and sent to boot camp. At the rifle range, he was given some instruction, a rifle, and bullets. He fired several shots at the target. The report came from the target area that all attempts had completely missed the target. The technician looked at his rifle, and then at the target. He looked at the rifle again, and then at the target again. He put his finger over the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other hand. The end of his finger was blown off, whereupon he yelled toward the target area, "It's leaving here just fine, the trouble must be at your end!"
|At the time of writing, Microsoft's slogan for Windows 95 was "Where do you want to go today? " These are some alternative and probably more truthful ad slogans for use with Windows. 1. Microsoft gives you Windows - OS/2 give you the whole house. 2. A computer without Windows is like a fish without a bicycle. 3. Windows and DOS: A turtle and its shell. 4. Bang on the left side of your computer to restart Windows. 5. Windows: The colorful clown suit for DOS. 6. Error #152 - Windows not found: (C)heer (P)arty (D)ance. 7. Windows 3. 1: The best $89 solitaire game you can buy. 8. Windows NT: Insert wallet into Drive A: and press any key to empty. 9. I'll never forget the first time I ran Windows, but I'm trying. 10. I still miss Windows, but my aim is getting better 11. My lastest screen-saver: Curtains for Windows. 12. Double your drive space: Delete Windows! 13. OS/2. Opens up Windows, shuts up Gates. 14. Out of disk space. Delete Windows? [Y]es [A]solutely [O]f Course!15. How do you want to crash today?
|Each time you bought an ornament, you would have to buy a tree as well. You wouldn't have to take the tree, but you still have to pay for it anyway. Ornament/95 would weigh 1500 pounds (requiring a reinforced steel countertop tree), draw enough electricity to power a small city, take up 95% of the space in your living room, would claim to be the first ornament that uses the colors red/green together. It would interrogate your other decorations to find out who made them. Most everyone would hate Microsoft ornaments, but nonetheless would buy them since most of the other tree types wouldn't work with their hooks.
|It would do everything the Microsoft ornaments do, but years earlier, and with a smaller mouse (not stirring of course).
|Solitaire '99Here is the README. TXT file from Microsoft's latest software product. Microsoft Solitaire '98README file, v4. 3Welcome!Congratulations!Welcome to the wonderful world of Microsoft Solitaire '98! This classic game has been a Windows fixture for many years, and after a long period of development, we are pleased to announce that it has been updated to take advantage of many exciting, Microsoft- pioneered technologies, such as "long filenames!" For years, our users have made demands, and Microsoft has listened. You told us that you wanted an operating system in which Solitaire was a seamless, integrated component. You wanted to blend in Solitaire with how you worked, how you played, and in general, you wanted Solitaire to *define your computing experience. * Solitaire '98 brings this dream to a blissful reality. System Requirements:- 266 MHz Pentium II or better- 800 megabytes of free hard drive space (2. 1 gigabytes recommended)- 128 megabytes of RAM (256 megabytes for Vegas scoring)Installation Procedure:1. Insert the CD-ROM entitled "Microsoft Solitaire" into your CD-ROM drive. You will need to make sure that the drive door is open before you place the disc in the tray. 2. An installation dialog box should appear on your screen. If it does not, you may need to purchase more memory or a larger hard disk drive. See your local Microsoft-certified dealer. 3. Follow the onscreen instructions. If you cannot read, have somebody else sit through the installation procedure. 4. Insert the CD-ROM entitled "Microsoft Solitaire, Disc 2" into your CD-ROM drive. As before, ensure that the drive is open before inserting the disc in the tray. 5. An installation dialog box should appear on your screen. If it does not, you may need to upgrade to a Microsoft "Natural" keyboard, which you can obtain from your nearest dealer. As before, follow the onscreen instructions. 6. After the installation program has completed, check your "Programs" menu for a new Solitaire '98 entry. If the program entry was not successfully created, you may need to uninstall all local copies of Netscape Navigator and/or Communicator and restart the Solitaire installation process from scratch. Playing The Game:Assuming that Solitaire '98 has been properly installed, you should be able to find it in your "Programs" menu (you should have verified this as part of the installation process. ) Microsoft recommends that you shut down all other programs that may be running on the system before starting Solitaire '98. To start the game, simply select it from the "Programs" menu. If the game does not start within five to seven minutes of selection, you may need to upgrade to the latest version of Microsoft Office to ensure that your system has the proper DLLs that Solitaire needs. For game rules, refer to the . HLP files for the Windows 3. 1 version of Solitaire. If you don't have these files, you can purchase them online from Microsoft at very competitive rates. Coming Soon:Minesweeper '99!Watch this space. [ snip millions of blank lines inserted to balloon README file up to Microsoft mandatory one-megabyte minimum file size. ]
|NewsflashMicrosoft today announced that it will be changing its name to "Moft" -- which will clear up space on user's hard disks. It is estimated that a typical Windows 95 installation contains about 2,800,000 copies of the word "Microsoft", in copyright notices, end-user licence agreements, 'About' screens, etc. So, after the change, a user will have about 14 MBytes more disk space. Stock prices of hard-disk manufacturers dipped slightly after the announcement. "Well, the programs will take up less space on the user's disk," said Bill Gates, CEO of Moft. "But we have never cared about that. The change will allow us to ship Windows 95 on 13 disks instead of 14, thus saving about $50 million a year in media costs. We are also looking at shortening the names of some of our software products; for instance 'The Microsoft Exchange' may be changed to 'The Moft Pit'. Gates added that the junior programmer who discovered the potential savings has been rewarded with a free copy of 'Moft Off for Moft Win 95'. E-mail this joke to your friends!
Dear Editor, I have two brothers, one works at Microsoft, the other was sentenced to death in the gas chamber. My mother died of insanity when I was three years old, my two sisters are prostitutes and my father sells drugs. Recently, I met a girl who was released from a reformatory where she served time for smothering her illegitimate child to death. I love this girl very much and want to marry her. My problem is this: Shall I tell her about my brother who works at Microsoft? Sincerely, Larry
In Heaven: The cooks are French, The policemen are English, The mechanics are German, The lovers are Italian, The bankers are Swiss. In Hell: The cooks are English, The policemen are German, The mechanics are French, The lovers are Swiss, The bankers are Italian. In Computer Heaven: The management is from Intel, The design and construction is done by Apple, The marketing is done by Microsoft, IBM provides the support, Gateway determines the pricing. In Computer Hell: The management is from Apple, Microsoft does design and construction, IBM handles the marketing, The support is from Gateway, Intel sets the price.
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer. When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!" He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
Microsoft's ad slogan for Windows 95 was "Where do you want to go today? "Now that Windows 98 is out, Microsoft have disclosed the alternatives that were considered when Windows 95 was released :1. Windows: The colorful clown suit for DOS. 2. Double your drive space: Delete Windows!3. Windows and DOS: A turtle and its shell. 4. Microsoft gives you Windows - OS/2 gives you the whole house. 5. A computer without Windows is like a fish without a bicycle. 6. Bang on the left side of your computer to restart Windows. 7. Error #152 - Windows not found: (C)heer (P)arty (D)ance. 8. I still miss Windows, but my aim is getting better. 9. I'll never forget the first time I ran Windows, but I'm trying. 10. My lastest screen-saver: Curtains for Windows. 11. OS/2 . . . Opens up Windows, shuts up Gates. 12. Out of disk space. Delete Windows? [Y]es [H]ell Yes!13. Windows3. 1: The best $89 solitaire game you can buy. 14. Windows NT: Insert wallet into Drive A: and press any key to empty. 15. How do you want to crash today?
Microsoft announced today that the official release date for the new operating system "Windows 2000" will be delayed until the second quarter of1901.
PCMCIA- People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms ISDN- It Still Does Nothing APPLE- Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity SCSI- System Can't See It BASIC- Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control IBM- I Blame Microsoft CD-ROM- Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months OS/2- Obsolete Soon, Too. WWW- World Wide Wait MACINTOSH- Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs PENTIUM- Produces Erroneous Numbers Through Incorrect Understanding of Mathematics COBOL- Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language WINDOWS- Will Install Needless Data On Whole System MICROSOFT- Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only (for) Fools (&) Teenagers.
What is Bill Clinton's favorite web browser? Microsoft Intern Exploiter
Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to? Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them? Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be AssimilatedThe more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
What did Bill Gates' wife say to him on his wedding night? "Now I know why you called your company Microsoft"