The Freudian Slip Ted and John are setting in the bar and John asked Ted if he bought the train tickets to go see the Steelers game this weekend. Ted says yea and kinda looked a little funny. John said is there anything wrong? Ted said naw, everythings OK. They take a few more sips of beer and Ted ask John if he had ever embarrassed himself by saying something he didn? t mean to say. John said sure, it happens to everyone. Ted said there? s a name for that isn? t there. . . you know, where you accidently use the wrong words when you are trying to say something. Yea, says John, it? s called a Freudian slip. Yea, thats it said Ted, I couldn? t think of the word. Why are you asking said John? Well, yesterday I went to the train station to get the train tickets for Pittsburg, and the girl selling tickets has this incredible set of jugs. I pulled out the money and laid it on the counter and asked her to give me two pickets to Titsburg and then had to embarrassingly say I mean two tickets to Pittsburg. God, it just embarressed the shit out of me. You ever done anything that stupid? ? Funny you would askî, said John. Just this morning my wife and I. . . gosh, I guess we? ve been married going on 23 years now. . . , were having breakfast. I was reading the paper and drinking my coffie. I meant to say, ? dear, would you please pass me the sugarî,but instead I said, 'You fucking bitch, you? ve ruined my life. '"
Questions that have Confused humankind!!a. . Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, \\"I think I\\'llsqueeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out? \\"a. . Who was the first person to say \\"See that chicken there. . . . I\\'m gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it\\'s butt. \\"a. . Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to ahorrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat? a. . Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer? a. . If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him? a. . Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane? a. . If the professor on Gilligan\\'s Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can\\'t he fix a hole in a boat? a. . Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don\\'t point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is? a. . Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway? a. . Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They\\'re both dogs! a. . What do you call male ballerinas? a. . Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream? ? a. . If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap,whydidn\\'t he just buy dinner? a. . If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests? a. . If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made fromvegetables, then what is baby oil made from? a. . If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons? a. . Isn\\'t Disney World just a people trap operated by a mouse? a. . Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have thesame tune? a. . Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup? a. . Why do they call it an asteroid when it\\'s outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it\\'s in your ass? a. . Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog\\'s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he can\\'t wait to stick his head out the window into the wind? a. . Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
1. I would not allow this employee to breed. 2. This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more definitely a won’t be. 3. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap. 4. When she stops to open her mouth, it seems it is only to change whichever foot was previously there. 5. He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle. 6. This young lady has delusions of adequacy. 7. He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them. 8. This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot. 9. This employee should go far and sooner he starts, the better. 10. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer. 11. The biggest tool in the shed. 12. Got into the gene pool when the lifeguard wasn’t looking. 13. A room temperature IQ. 14. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it together. 15. A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus. 16. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on. 17. A prime candidate for natural deselection. 18. One-celled organisms outscore him in IQ tests. 19. Donated his brain to science before he was done using it. 20. Fell out of the family tree. 21. Bright as Alaska in December. 22. Gates are down, lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming. 23. Has two brains: one is lost; and the other is looking for it. 24. If brains were taxed she would get a refund. 25. If he were any more stupid, he would have to be watered twice a week. 26. He’s so dense light bends around him. 27. If you gave him a penny for his thoughts you would get change. 28. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean. 29. It’s hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm. 30. One neuron short of a synapse. 31. Takes him an hour and a half to watch 60 minutes. 32. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled. 33. Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead. 34. Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig. 35. His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of mobid curiosity.
Things You’d Love to Say at Work!1. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be………. . ? 2. Do I look like a people person? 3. This isn’t an office. It’s Hell with fluorescent lighting!4. I started out with nothing and still have most of it left. 5. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer. 6. If I throw a stick, will you leave? 7. You!……. . Off my planet. 8. Does your train of thought have a caboose? 9. Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe? 10. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed. 11. A PBS mind in an MTV world. 12. Allow me to introduce my selves. 13. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed. 14. I’m trying to imagine you with a personality. 15. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door. 16. Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven’t fallen asleep yet. 17. Can I trade this job for what’s behind door #1? 18. Too many freaks, not enough circuses. 19. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it? 20. Chaos, Panic, and Disorder ……. . My work here is done. 21. How do I set a laser printer to stun? 22. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
Amazing and true lawyer statements. Lawyers typically aren’t funny — unless by accident. Case in point: The following questions from lawyers were taken from official court records nationwide. . . 1) Was that the same nose you broke as a child? 2) Now, doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn’t know anything about it until the next morning? 3) Q: What happened then? A: He told me, he says, ‘I have to kill you because you can identify me. ’ Q: Did he kill you? 4) Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war? 5) The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he? 6) Were you alone or by yourself. 7) How long have you been a French Canadian? 8) Do you have any children or anything of that kind? 9) Q: I show you exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture. A: That’s me. Q: Were you present when that picture was taken? 10) Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in? 11) Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated? A: By death. Q: And by whose death was it terminated? 12) Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now? A: I’ll be three months on November8. Q: Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8? A: Yes. Q: What were you doing at that time? 13) Q: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable? A: I used to be. Q: How many times have you committed suicide? 14) So you were gone until you returned? 15) Q: She had three children, right? A: Yes. Q: How many were boys? A: None. Q: Were there girls? 16) You don’t know what it was, and you didn’t know what it looked like, but can you describe it? 17) Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement? A: Yes. Q: And these stairs, did they go up also? 18) Q: Have you lived in this town all your life? A: Not yet. 19) A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself and said, “Your Honor, I’d like to strike the next question. ”20) Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr. Edington at the rose Chapel? A: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30 p. m. Q: And Mr. Edington was dead at the time, is that so? A: No, you stupid, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy!