Two lawyers walking through the woods spotted a vicious-looking bear. The first lawyer immediately opened his briefcase, pulled out a pair of sneakers and started putting them on. The second lawyer looked at him and said, "Are you crazy? You'll never be able to outrun that bear!""I don't have to," the first lawyer replied. "I only have to outrun you. "
A woman went to a podiatrist complaining that her feet always hurt. He immediately noticed that she was extremely bowlegged. "Have you always been that way? " asked the podiatrist. "No," she said, not until recently. "I've been fucking a lot doggie style. ""Well," said the podiatrist, "you are going to have to stop. ""I can't," she replied, "that's the only way my German Shepherd fucks. "
The village blacksmith finally found an apprentice willing to work hard at low pay for long hours. The blacksmith immediately began his instructions to the lad, "When I take the shoe out of the fire, I'll lay it on the anvil; and when I nod my head, you hit it with this hammer. " The apprentice did just as he told. Now he's the village blacksmith.
A man walks up to a woman in his office and tells her that her hair smells nice. The woman immediately goes into her supervisor's office and tells him that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit and explains why. The supervisor is puzzled by this time and says, "What's wrong with the coworker telling you your hair smells nice? "The woman replies, "He's a midget. "
A man was driving up a steep and narrow mountain road. A woman was driving down the same road. As they passed each other, the woman leaned out thewindow and yelled, "Pig!" The man immediately leaned out his window and replied,"Bitch!" They continue on their way and as the man rounded thenext corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of theroad.
A stuffy matron is with a new man in a top restaurant. The onion soup getsto her, and as the waiter is serving the main dishes she lets loose abombastic fart. Trying to save face, she says to the waiter:"Sir! Please stop that immediately. ""Certainly, madame," replies the waiter with a bow, "which way was it headed? "
Two car salesmen were sitting at the bar. One complained to the other, "Boy, business sucks. If I don't sell more cars this month, I'm going to lose my fucking arse. "Too late he noticed a beautiful blonde sitting two stools away. Immediately, he apologized for his bad language. "That's okay," the blonde replied,"If I don't sell more arse this month, I'm going to lose my fucking car. "
Upon returning to their car from a shopping tour, one of the young ladies realized that she had forgotten to stop at the pharmacy for her birth control pills. She rushed into the nearest pharmacy and gave her prescription to the pharmacist. "Please fill this immediately," she asked. "I've got people waiting in my car!"
The politician was sitting at his campaign headquarters when the phone rang. He listened intently, and after a moment his face brightened. When he hung up, he immediately phoned his mother to tell her the good news. "Ma," he shouted, "the results are in. I won the election!" "Honestly? " The politician's smiled faded. "Aw hell, ma, why bring that up at a time like this? "
Sue reports for jury duty as ordered, and promptly asks to be excused because she believes she's prejudice. "I took one look at those shifty eyes and that cheap polyester suit and I immediately knew that he was guilty as sin. " "Sit down," says the judge. "That's the prosecuting attorney. "
|A junior partner in a law firm was sent to a far away country to represent a long-term client accused of robbery. After days of trial, the case was won, the client acquitted and released. Excited about his success, the attorney e-mailed the firm: ? Justice prevailed. ? The senior partner replied in haste, ? Appeal immediately. ?
|According to "The Australian," an airliner recently encountered severe vibration in flight. The captain decided to make an emergency landing, and switched on the seat belt sign. The vibration stopped immediately. A passenger emerged from a lavatory and explained that he had been jogging in place inside.
|Coming home from his Little League game, Billy swung open the front door very excited. Unable to attend the game, his father immediately wanted to know what happened. "So, how did you do son? " he asked. "You'll never believe it!" Billy said. "I was responsible for the winning run!""Really? How'd you do that? " "I dropped the ball. "
A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road. As they pass each other the woman leans out the window and yells, "PIG!!" The man immediately leans out his window and replies, "BITCH!!" They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road.
Sue Ellen passed away so Billy Bob called 911. The operator promised to send someone out immediately and asked him where he lived. "Right at the end of ," Billy Bob replied. "Could you spell that for me please? " the operator asked. After a very lengthy pause Billy Bob said, "How 'bout I just drag her on over to Pine Street and y'all can pick her up there? "
One day, Clinton called the White House interior decorator into the Oval Office. He was very furious and said, "Chelsea is very upset because she thinks she has the ugliest room in the entire White House; I want something done about it immediately!"Yes Sir, Mr. President," the interior decorator replies. "I'll take those mirrors out right away!"
A man who thought he was John the Baptist was disturbing the neighborhood, so for public safety, he was committed. He was put in a room with another crazy and immediately began his routine, "I am John The Baptist! Jesus Christ has sent me!"The other guy looks at him and declares, "I did not!"
A medical student is taking a test and one of the questions he sees is: "Name the three best advantages of mother's milk. "The student immediately writes, "One: It has all the healthful nutrients needed to sustain a baby. Two: It is inside the mother's body and therefore protected from germs and infections. "But the student can't think of the third answer. Finally, he writes, "Three: It comes in such nice containers. "
Yo Mama is so fat and old, when God said "Let there be light" he immediately said to her "Get your fat ass out of the way. "
Three women were being held in a foreign country. They were slated for the firing squad. The commander yells, "Ready. . . Aim. . . " and the brunette yells "Earthquake!!!"Immediately the soldiers fall to the ground and in the confusion the brunette escapes. The commander then tells his soldiers to get up. "Ready. . . Aim. . . " and the redhead yells "Tornado!!!"Immediately the soldiers fall to the ground and in the confusion the redhead escapes. The commander then yells to his soldiers to get up. "Ready. . . Aim. . . " and the blonde yells "Fire!!!"