A robber was robbing a house when he heard a voice. "Jesus is watching you!" "who's there? " The robber said But no sound was heard. So he kept going and he heard it two more times when he spotted a parrot. "What's your name," the robber asked. "Cocodora" said the parrot. "Now, what kind of idiot would name a bird Cocodora" said the robber. "The same idiot who named the rotweiler Jesus", said the parrot.
A man spoke frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child? " the emergency operator asked. "No, you idiot!" the man shouted. "This is her husband!"
This redneck gets married, but on his wedding night he doesn't know whatto do. He's fumbling around for a while, but finally his wife gets fed upand says, "Jeb, ya big idiot! Yer s'pposed to take that thing you playwith and put it where I pee!". . . So he got his bowling bowl and threw it in the outhouse!
Two brothers enlisting in the Army were getting their physicals. During the inspection, the doctor was surprised to discover that both of them possessed incredibly long, oversized penises. "How do you account for this? " he asked the brothers. "It's hereditary, sir," the older one replied. "I see," said the doctor, writing in his file. "Your father's the reason for your elongated penises? ""No sir, our mother. ""Your mother? You idiot, women don't have penises!""I know, sir," replied the recruit, "but she only had one arm, and when it came to getting us out of the bathtub, she had to manage as best she could. "
A redneck calles up the White House and tells the receptionist:"I'd like to become the next President of the United States. "The receptionist: "What are you, an idiot? "Redneck: "Why, is it required? "
|The drunk was floundering down the alley carrying a box with holes on the side. He bumped into a friend who asked, "What do you have in there, pal? ""A mongoose. ""What for? ""Well, you know how drunk I can get. When I get drunk I see snakes, and I'm scared to death of snakes. That's why I got this mongoose, for protection. " "But," the friend said, "you idiot! Those are imaginary snakes. " "That's okay," said the drunk, showing his friend the interior of the box, "So is the mongoose. "
|A young attorney who had taken over his father? s practice rushed home elated one night. "Dad, listen," he shouted, "I? ve finally settled that old McKinney suit. ""Settled it!" cried his astonished father. "Why, you idiot! We have been living off of that money for five years!"
|There was an Irishman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Tasmania. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark. Then there was this kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Irishman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Englishman had his hand against his face as he had been slapped there. The Englishman was thinking: "The Irish fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead. " Claudia Schiffer was thinking: "The English fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Irishman and got slapped for it. " The Irishman was thinking: "This is great! The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make another kissing noise and slap that English idiot again. "
|A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child? " the doctor queries. "No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her *husband*!"
|Kelly was standing in front of Cohan's Tavern when he saw a driverless car rolling slowly down the street. He ran to the car, jumped in, and pulled on the emergency brake with a jerk. Kelly got out and very proudly said to the man approaching him, "I stopped it!" "I know, you idiot!" said the man. "I was pushing it!"
An idiot decided to start a chicken farm so he bought a hundred chickens to begin with. A month later he returned to the dealer for another hundred chickens because all of the first lot had died. A month later he was back at the dealer for another hundred chickens for the second lot had also died. "But I think I know where I'm going wrong," said the idiot, "I think I'm planting them too deep. "
A man goes into a drug store and asks the pharmacist if he can give him something for the hiccups. The pharmacist promptly reaches out and slaps the man's face. "What the heck did you do that for!? !" the man screams. "Well, you don't have the hiccups anymore do you? " The man says, "No I don't, you IDIOT. . . But my wife out in the car still does!"
A pig walks into a bar and orders a beer. After drinking it, he hops off the bar stool, pees on the floor and leaves. Another pig comes in, drinks his beer, pees on the floor and leaves. A third and forth piggy come in and do the same exact thing. Finally, a fifth piggy comes in to the bar and orders a beer. After finishing his beer, he gets off the bar stool and begins to walk out the door. Before reaching the door, the bartender yells - "Hey Pig. . . aren't you going to pee on the floor like the others? "To which the pig replies - "No you idiot! Everyone knows that the last little piggy goes WEE WEE WEE - all the way home!"
IDIOT SIGHTINGS. . . Sighting #1:I was at the airport, checking in at the gate, when the airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge? " I said, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know? " He smiled and nodded knowingly, "That's why we ask. "Idiot Sighting #2:The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it is safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine, when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals to blind people when the light is red. She responded, appalled, "What on earth are blind people doing driving!"Idiot Sighting #3:At a good-bye lunch for an old and dear coworker who is leaving the company due to "downsizing," our manager spoke up and said, "this is fun. We should have lunch like this more often," Not another word was spoken. We just looked at each other like deer staring into the headlights of an approaching truck. Idiot Sighting #4:I worked with an Individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her could not understand why her system would not turn on. Idiot Sighting #5:When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told that the keys had been accidentally locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger's side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered it was open. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "it's open!" "I know," answered the young man. "I already got that side. . . "
A golfer was addressing his ball, getting ready to shoot. Just as he was about ready to hit, a voice came over the p. a. system -"Will the gentleman on the lady's tee please move back to the men's tee". He looked up, looked back down and then resumed addressing the ball again. The Voice again - "Will the Man on the Red tees PLEASE MOVE BACK to the White Tees? !"He looked back at the starters shack and yelled,"Will the IDIOT on the p. a. shut up so that the man on the lady's tee can hit his second shot"!
How do you keep a idiot occupied? (Scroll Down) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . (Scroll Up)(he-he)(woo-hoo!) (yee-haa!)
A man frantically calls 911 and says, "help. . . my wife has gone into labor and her contractions are 10 minutes apart". 911: "is this her first child? ". Man: "Of course not, you idiot. . . this is her husband"!
An American is walking down the street when he sees a Polak with a very long pole and a yardstick. He's standing the pole on its end and trying to reach the top of it with his yardstick. Seeing the Polak's ignorance, the American wrenches the pole out of his hand, lays it on the sidewalk, measures it with the yardstick, and says, "There! 10 feet long. "The Polak grabs the yardstick and shouts, "You idiot American! I don't care how long it is! I want to know how high it is!"
As a couple sat in the living room, watching TV, the phone rang. The husband picked it up, listened for a moment and then screamed, "Damn it! How should I know? Call the weather bureau!" and hung up. "What was that all about? " wife asked. "Awww, some idiot wanted to know whether the coast was clear!"
A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!""Is this her first child? " the doctor queries. "No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"