Knock, knock! Who's there? George Washington! George Washington who? George Washington who? Didn't you learn anything in history class?
A man comes to a doctor and, twitching his fingers and stuttering,finally manages to say, "Doctor, I have a sexual performance problem. Can you help me? ""Oh, that's not a problem for us men anymore!" announces a proudphysician, "They just came out with this new wonder drug, Viagra, thatdoes the trick! You take some pills, and your problems are history. "So the doctor gives the man a prescription and sends him on his merryway. A couple of months later, the doctor runs into his patient on thestreet. "Doctor, Doctor!" exclaims the man excitedly, "I've got tothank you! This drug is a miracle! It's wonderful! I've had sexfourteen times in eight days!""Well, I'm glad to hear that" says the pleased physician, "What doesyour wife think about it? ""Wife? " asks the man, "I haven't even been home yet!"
A Short History of MedicineI have an earache. . . 2000 B. C. - Here, eat this root. 1000 A. D. - That root is heathen. Here, say this prayer. 1850 A. D. - That prayer is superstition. Here, drink this potion. 1940 A. D. - That potion is snake oil. Here, swallow this pill. 1985 A. D. - That pill is ineffective. Here, take this antibiotic. 2000 A. D. - That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.
When that fool Reagan said that the Soviet Union was a failedexperiment headed for the ash heap of history, I knew he was ademagogue. When that fool Reagan said that the Soviet Union was an evilempire, I knew he was a dangerous kook. When that fool Reagan said that we could end the Cold War byescalating the arms race, I knew the odds favored nuclearannihilation. When the Soviet Union went broke, dissolved, and repudiatedits past, I knew it was all Gorbachev's genius, and that fool Reaganhad nothing to do with it. Because if that fool Reagan was right all along. . . . . . what kind of fool am I? --Jules Feiffer
A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a blonde gathering, and his hostess naturally broached the subject in which the doctor was most at ease. "Would you mind telling me, Doctor," she asked, "how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal? " "Nothing is easier," he replied. "You ask him a simple question which everyone should answer with no trouble. If he hesitates, that puts you on the track. " "What sort of question? " "Well, you might ask him, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one? ' The blonde thought a moment, then said with a nervous laugh, "You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history. "
We hear you are a lady killer. They take one look at you and die of fright!! We heard that when you ran away from home your folks sent you a note saying, "Do not come home and all will be forgiven". You have a good family tree, but the crop is a failure. I don't consider you a vulture. I consider you something a vulture would eat. Is your name Amazon? You`re so wide at the mouth. You are a man who always sticks by his convictions. You will remain a fool no matter how much you get ridiculed for it! A dope you are and dope will remain. Completely unlike cocaine. You add to, not diminish, pain! We know that you would go to the end of the world for us. But would you stay there? Your family tree is good, but you are the sap. We all spring from apes, but you didn't spring far enough. It cost me five thousand dollars to look up your family history. A thousand to look it up and four thousand to hush it up. Lets play house. You be the door and I'll slam you.
A short history of medicine: I have an earache. 2000 B. C. - Here, eat this root 1000 A. D. - That root is heathen, say this prayer. 1850 A. D. - That prayer is superstition, drink this potion. 1940 A. D. - That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill. 1985 A. D. - That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic. 2000 A. D. - That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.
In-depth knowledge of bizarre pasta shapes Unembarrassed to wear fur. No need to worry about tax returns Glorious military history. . . well, until about 400 a. d. Can wear sunglasses inside Political stability Flexible working hours Live near the Pope Country run by Sicilian murderers
Yo mama so old I told her to act her own age, and she died. Yo mama so old her social security number is 1! Yo mama so old that when she was in school there was no history class. Yo mama so old she has a picture of Moses in her yearbook. Yo mama so old her birth certificate says expired on it. Yo mama so old she knew Burger King while he was still a prince. Yo mama so old she was a waitress at the Last Supper. Yo mama so old she ran track with dinosaurs. Yo mama so old her birth certificate is in Roman numerals. Yo mama so old she has a picture of Moses in her yearbook.
A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a blonde gathering, and his hostess naturally broached the subject in which the doctor was most at ease. "Would you mind telling me, Doctor," she asked, "how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal? ""That's easy," he replied. "You ask them a simple question which everyone should be able to answer with no trouble. If they hesitate, that puts you on the right track. ""What sort of question would you ask Doctor? ""Well, you might ask them. . . ""Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one? "The blonde thought a moment, then said with a nervous laugh -"You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? ""I must confess I don't know much about history. "(DOH!)
Q: What's the difference between Monica Lewinsky and the rest of us? A: In order for us to get some dick in the White House, we had to go out and vote. Q: How will history remember Bill Clinton? A: The President after Bush. Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and his dog Buddy? A: One tries to hump the leg of every woman in the White House, the other is a chocolate Lab. Q: What does Clinton say to interns as they leave his office? A: "Don't hit your head on the desk. "Q: Did you hear about the Bill Clinton sale at clothing stores on President's day? A: All pants half off. Q: What do Monica Lewinsky and the Buffalo Bills have in common? A: They both blew the big one several times. Q: What was the first thing Monica saw in government? A: The Executive Branch. Q: What do Monica Lewinsky and soda pop machines have in common? A: They both have slots which say "Insert Bill" here. "
Q: Why did Smokey the Bear never have any children? A: When his wife got hot, he beat her with a shovel. Q: Why don't they let government workers look out the window in the morning? A: So they will have something to do in the afternoon. A girl criticized my apartment so I knocked her flat. The first civilian on the shuttle was an English teacher. Now she's history.
The basketball coach stormed into the university president's office and demanded a raise right then and there. "Please," protested the college President, "you already make more than the entire History department. ""Yeah, maybe so, but you don't know what I have to put up with," the coach blustered. "Look. "He went out into the hall and grabbed a jock who was jogging down the hallway. "Run over to my office and see if I'm there," he ordered. Twenty minutes later the jock returned, sweaty and out of breath. "You're not there, sir," he reported. "Oh, I see what you mean," conceded the President, scratching his head. "I would have phoned. "
A gal comes in for her interview with the human resources department of a large company and hands the executive her application. As the executive begins to scan her resume, he notices that she has been fired from every job she's ever held. "I must say," says the executive, "your work history is terrible. You've been fired from every job. " "Yes," says the lady. "Well," continues the executive, "there's not much positive in that. ""Well, " says the woman as she pokes the application. "At least I'm not a quitter!"
An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and came upon a casket containing a mummy. After examining it, he called the curator of a prestigious natural history museum. "I've just discovered a 3,000 year old mummy of a man who died of heart failure!" the excited scientist exclaimed. To which the curator replied, "Bring him in. We'll check it out. "A week later, the amazed curator called the archaeologist. "You were right about the mummy's age and cause of death. How in the world did you know? ""Simple. . . there was a piece of paper in his hand that said -put me down for 10,000 Shekels on Goliath'. "
Adam was walking around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked him, "What is wrong with you? "Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman. He said, "This person will gather food for you, cook for you, and when you discover clothing she'll wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it. Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost? "God replied, "An arm and a leg. "Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib? "The rest is history. . .
Gentlemen: I have been riding trains daily for the last two years,and the service on your line seems to be getting worse every day. Iam tired of standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip. Ithink the transportation system is worse than that enjoyed by people2,000 years ago. Yours truly, A Commuter Dear Sir: We received your letter withreference to the shortcomings of our service and believe you aresomewhat confused in your history. The only mode of transportation2,000 years ago was by foot. Sincerely, The Railroad Gentlemen:I am in receipt of your letter, and I think you are the ones who areconfused in your history. If you will refer to the Bible, Book ofDavid, 9th Chapter, you will find that Balaam rode to town on hisass. That, gentlemen, is something I have not been able to do onyour train in the last two years. Your truly, A Commuter
A somewhat advanced society has figured how to package basic knowledge in pill form. A student, needing some learning, goes to the pharmacy and asks what kind of knowledge pills are available. The pharmacist says, "Here's a pill for English literature. " The student takes the pill and swallows it and has new knowledge about English literature!"What else do you have? " asks the student. "Well, I have pills for art history, biology, and world history," replies the pharmacist. The student asks for these, and swallows them and has new knowledge about those subjects. Then the student asks, "Do you have a pill for math? "The pharmacist says, "Wait just a moment," goes back into the storeroom, brings back a whopper of a pill, and plunks it on the counter. "I have to take that huge pill for math? " inquires the student. The pharmacist replied, "Well, you know math always was a little hard to swallow. "
Adam was wandering around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, when he heard a loud voice ask him, "What is wrong with you? " Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to, and he was feeling very lonely. Then the loud voice said he was going to give him a companion and it would be a woman. The voice continued, saying; "this person will cook for you and wash your clothes, she will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely give you love and compassion whenever needed. "Adam thought that sounded great, so he asked "What would a woman like this cost me? ? "The voice answered, "an arm and a leg. "Adam thought about that for a moment. He thought that would be a pretty high price to pay, so he then asked, "What can I get for just arib? ? ? "The rest is history . . .