10. Sometimes stays in bed till after 6 am. 9. In his sock drawer, you find pictures of women without bonnets. 8. Shows up at barn raisings in full "Kiss" makeup. 7. When you criticize him, he yells, "Thou sucketh!"6. His name is Jebediah, but he goes by "Jeb Daddy. "5. Defiantly says, "If I had a radio, I'd listen to disco!. "4. You come upon his secret stash of colorful socks. 3. Uses slang expression: "Talk to the hand, cause the beard ain't listening. "2. Was recently pulled over for "driving under the influence of cottage cheese. "1. He's wearing his big black hat backwards.
Have you heard the one about the homosexual who wanted to enlarge the circle of his friends?
How do you know you're leading a sad life? When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Let's just be friends. "
Benefits of having Alzheimer's: You can wrap your own presents. You are always meeting new friends.
Yeah, fat broads are like mopeds. They're fun to ride, but you don't want your friends to see you on one.
A WOMAN'S SCHEDULE1. Get up. 2. Pee. 3. Drink raspberry-cranberry tea. 4. Pee. 5. Apply makeup. Pee first so you don't have to stop in the middle. 6. Drive to work. Pee at gas station. Complain about dirty restroom. Go to a different gas station and pee there. 7. Get to work at Burger King. Pee. Wash hands. 8. Lunch. Slimfast. Pee. 9. Arrive home. Pee. Shower. Pee. 10. Promise sex to husband. Pee. Get up in the middle of sex and pee. 11. Pee. Go to bed. Get up at 3 A. M. waking husband but instead of giving him head, go and pee.
His And Hers ATMsHIS: 1. Pull up to ATM 2. Insert card 3. Enter PIN number and account 4. Take cash, card and receipt HER: 1. Pull up to ATM 2. Check makeup in rearview mirror 3. Shut off engine 4. Put keys in purse 5. Get out of car because you're too far from machine 6. Hunt for card in purse 7. Insert card 8. Hunt in purse for tampon wrapper with PIN number written on it. 9. Enter PIN number 10. Study instructions for at least 2 minutes. 11. Hit "cancel" 12. Re-enter correct PIN number 13. Check balance 14. Look for envelope 15. Look in purse for pen 16. Make out deposit slip 17. Endorse checks 18. Make deposit 19. Study instructions 20. Make cash withdrawal 21. Get in car 22. Check makeup 23. Look for keys 24. Start car 25. Check makeup 26. Start pulling away 27. STOP 28. Back up to machine 29. Get out of car 30. Take card and receipt 31. Get back in car 32. Put card in wallet 33. Put receipt in checkbook 34. Enter deposits and withdrawals in checkbook 35. Clear area in purse for wallet and checkbook 36. Check makeup 37. Put car in reverse gear38. Put car in drive 39. Drive away from machine 40. Travel 3 miles 41. Release parking brake
|Facts about Americans. Did you know that . . . Only 30% of us can flare our nostrils. 21% of us don't make our bed daily. 5% of us never do. Men do 29% of laundry each week. Only 7% of women trust their husbands to do it correctly. 40% of women have hurled footwear at a man. 67. 5% of men were tightie whities (briefs). 3 out of 4 of us store our dollar bills in rigid order with singles leading up tohigher denominations. 13% of us admit to occassionally doing our offspring's homework. 91% of us lie regularly. 27% admit to cheating on a test or quiz. 29% admit they've intentionally stolen something from a store. 50% admit they regularly sneak food into movie theaters to avoid the highprices of snack foods. 90% believe in divine retribution. 10% believe in the 10 Commandments. 82% believe in an afterlife. 45% believe in ghosts. 13% (mostly men) have spent a night in jail. 58. 4% have called into work sick when we weren't. 10% of us switch tags in the store to pay less for an item. Over 50% believe in spanking - but only a child over 2 years old. 35% give to charity at least once a month. How far would you go for $10 million? 25% would abandon their friends,family, and church. 7% would murder. 69% eat the cake before the frosting. When nobody else is around, 47% drink straight from the carton. 85% of us will eat Spam this year. 70% of us drink orange juice daily. Snickers is the most popular candy. 22% of us skip lunch daily. 9% of us skip breakfast daily. 66% of us eat cereal regularly. 22% of all restaurant meals include french fries. 14% of us eat the watermelon seeds. Only 13% brush our teeth from side to side. 45% use mouthwash every day. 22% leave the glob of toothpaste in the sink. The typical shower is 101 degrees F. Nearly 1/3 of U. S. women color their hair. 9% of women and 8% of men have had cosmetic surgery. 53% of women will not leave the house without makeup on. 58% of women paint their nails regularly. 33% of women lie about their weight. 10% of us claim to have seen a ghost. 57% have had deja vu. 49% believe in ESP. 44% have broken a bone. Only 30% of us know our cholesterol level. 14% have attended a self-help meeting. 15% regularly go to a shrink. 78% would rather die quickly than live in a retirement home. 30% of us refuse to sit on a public toilet seat. 54. 2% of us always wash our hands after using the toilet. 39% of us peek in our host's bathroom cabinet. 17% have been caught by the host. 29% of us ignore RSVP. 71. 6% of us eavesdrop. 22% are functionally illiterate. Less than 10% are trilingual. 37% claim to know how to use all the features on their VCR. 53% prefer ATM machines over tellers. 56% of women do the bills in a marriage. 2 out of 3 of us wouldn't give up their spouse even for a night for a million U. S. dollars. 20% of us have played in a band at one time in our life. 40% of us have had music lessons. 44% reuse tinfoil. 57% save pretty gift paper to reuse. 66% of women and 59% of men have used a mix to cook and taken creditfor doing it from scratch. 53% read their horoscopes regularly. 16% of us have forgotten our own wedding anniversary (mostly men). 59% of us say we're average-looking. Blacks are more than twice as likely to call themselves beautiful. 90% of us depend on alarm clocks to wake us. 53% of us would take advice from Anne Landers. 51% of adults dress up for a Halloween festivity. On average, we send 38 Christmas cards every year. 20% of women consider their parents to be their best friends. 2 out of 5 have married their first love. The biggest cause of matrimonial fighting is money. Only 4% asked the parents' approval for their bride's hand. 1 in 5 men proposed on his knees. 6% propose over the phone. 71% can drive a stick-shift car. 45% of us consistantly follow the speed limit. 2/3 of us speed up at a yellow light. 1/3 of us don't wear seat belts. 12% of men never use their car blinkers. 44% of men tailgate to speed up the person in front of them. 25% of us drive after we've been drinking. 4 out of 5 sing in the car.
Yo mama so stupid it took her 2 hours to watch 60 minutes Yo mama so stupid when she saw the NC-17 (under 17 not admitted) sign, she went home and got 16 friends Yo mama so stupid when your dad said it was chilly outside, she ran outside with a spoon Yo mama so stupid she told everyone that she was "illegitiment" because she couldn't read Yo mama so stupid that she puts lipstick on her head just to make-up her mind Yo mama so stupid she hears it's chilly outside so she gets a bowl Yo mama so stupid you have to dig for her IQ! Yo mama so stupid she got locked in a grocery store and starved! Yo mama so stupid it took her 2 hours to watch 60 Minutes! Yo mama so stupid that she tried to put M+M's in alphabetical order! Yo mama so stupid she could trip over a cordless phone! Yo mama so stupid she sold her car for gasoline money! Yo mama so stupid she bought a solar-powered flashlight! Yo mama so stupid she thinks a quarterback is a refund! Yo mama so stupid she took a cup to see Juice. Yo mama so stupid that she sold the car for gas money. Yo mama so stupid she asked you "What is the number for 911" Yo mama so stupid she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept. Yo mama so stupid when she read on her job application to not write below the dotted line she put "O. K. " Yo mama so stupid she got stabbed in a shoot out. Yo mama so stupid she stole free bread. Yo mama so stupid she took a spoon to the superbowl. Yo mama so stupid she called Dan Quayle for a spell check. Yo mama so stupid she stepped on a crack and broke her own back. Yo mama so stupid she makes Beavis and Butt-Head look like Nobel Prize winners. Yo mama so stupid she thought she needed a token to get on Soul Train. Yo mama so stupid she took the Pepsi challenge and chose Jif. Yo mama so stupid when you stand next to her you hear the ocean! Yo mama so stupid she hears it's chilly outside so she gets a bowl Yo mama so stupid she got locked in a grocery store and starved! Yo mama so stupid she thinks Fleetwood Mac is a new hamburger at McDonalds! Yo mama so stupid she sits on the TV, and watches the couch! Yo mama so stupid that she thought Boyz II Men was a day care center. Yo mama so stupid she bought a videocamera to record cable tv shows at home. Yo mama so stupid when she went to take the 44 bus, she took the 22 twice instead. Yo mama so stupid she jumped out the window and went up. Yo mama so stupid she thought a quarterback was an income tax refund. Yo mama so stupid she took a umbrella to see Purple Rain. Yo mama so stupid that under "Education" on her job apllication, she put "Hooked on Phonics. " Yo mama so stupid she put out the cigarette butt that was heating your house. Yo mama so stupid she put lipstick on her forehead, talking about she was trying to makeup her mind. Yo mama so stupid she watches "The Three Stooges" and takes notes.
Driving to the office this morning on the Interstate, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Mustang doing 65 miles per hour with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner!I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup!!! It scared me (I'm a man) so bad, I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car usingmy knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed and burned Big Jim and the Twins, ruined the damn phone and DISCONNECTED AN IMPORTANT CALL!WOMEN DRIVERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AIRPLANE: What Mom impersonates to get a 1-yr. -old to eat strained beets. ALIEN: What Mom would suspect had invaded her house if she spotted a child-sized creature cleaning up after itself. APPLE: Nutritious lunchtime dessert which children will trade for cupcakes. BABY:1. Dad, when he gets a cold. 2. Mom's youngest child, even if he's 42. BATHROOM: A room used by the entire family, believed by all except Mom to be self-cleaning. BECAUSE: Mom's reason for having kids do things which can't be explained logically. BED & BREAKFAST: Two things the kids will never make for themselves. CARPET: Expensive floor covering used to catch spills and clean mud off shoes. CARPOOL: Complicated system of transportation where Mom always winds up going the furthest with the biggest bunch of kids who have had the most sugar. COOK:1. Act of preparing food for consumption. 2. Mom's other name. COUCH POTATO: What Mom finds on the sofa during Dallas Cowboy games. DATE: Infrequent outings with Dad where Mom can enjoy worrying about the kids in a different setting. DRINKING GLASS: Any carton or bottle left open in the fridge. DUST: Insidious interloping particles of evil that turn a home into a battle zone. DUST RAGS: See "DAD'S UNDERWEAR. "EAR: A place where kids store dirt. EAT: What kids do between meals, but not at them. EMPTY NEST: See "WISHFUL THINKING. "ENERGY: Element of vitality kids always have an oversupply of until asked to do something. "EXCUSE ME": One of Mom's favorite phrases, reportedly used in past times by children. EYE: The highly susceptible optic nerve which, according to Mom, can be "put out" by anything from a suction-arrow to a carelessly handled butter knife. FABLE: A story told by a teenager arriving home after curfew. FOOD: The response Mom usually gives in answer to the question "What's for dinner tonight? " See "SARCASM"FROZEN: 1. A type of food. 2. How Hell will be when Mom lets her daughter date an older guy with a motorcycle. GARBAGE: A collection of refuse items, the taking out of which Mom assigns to a different family member each week, then winds up doing herself. GENIUSES: Amazingly, all of Mom's kids. GUM: Adhesive for the hair. HAMPER: A wicker container with a lid, usually surrounded by, but not containing, dirty clothing. HANDI-WIPES: Pants, shirt-sleeves, drapes, etc. HANDS: Body appendages which must be scrubbed raw with volcanic soap and sterilized in boiling water immediately prior to consumption of the evening meal. HINDSIGHT: What Mom experiences from changing too many diapers. HOMEMADE BREAD: An object of fiction like the Fountain of Youth and the Golden Fleece. ICE: Cubes of frozen water which would be found in small plastic tray if kids or husbands ever filled the darn things instead of putting them back in the freezer empty. INSIDE: That place that will suddenly look attractive to kids once Mom has spent a minimum of half an hour getting them ready to go outside. "I SAID SO": Reason enough, according to MomJACKPOT: When all the kids stay at friends' homes for the night. JEANS: Which, according to kids, are appropriate for just about any occasion, including church and funerals. "JEEEEEEEEZ!": Slang for "Gee Mom, isn't there anything else you can do to embarrass me in front of my friends? "JOY RIDE: Going somewhere without the kids. JUNK: Things belonging to Dad. KETCHUP: The sea of tomato-based goop kids use to drown the dish that Mom spent hours cooking and years perfecting to get the seasoning just right. KISS: Mom medicine. LAKE: Large body of water into which a kid will jump should his friends do so. LEMONADE STAND: Complicated business venture where Mom buys powdered mix, sugar, lemons, and paper cups, and sets up a table, chairs, pitchers and ice for kids who sit there for three to six minutes and net a profit of 15 cents. LIE: An "exaggeration" Mom uses to transform her child's papier-mache volcano science project into a Nobel Prize-winning experiment and a full-ride scholarship to Harvard. LOSERS: See "Kids' Friends"MAKEUP: Lipstick, eyeliner, blush,etc. which ironically make Mom look better while making her young daughter look "like a tramp. "MAYBE: No. MILK: A healthful beverage which kids will gladly drink once it's turned into junk food by the addition of sugar and cocoa. "MOMMMMMMM!": The cry of a child on another floor who wants something. MUSH:1. What a kid loves to do with a plateful of food. 2. Main element of Mom's favorite movies. NAILS: A hard covering on the end of the finger, which Mom can never have a full set of due to pitching for batting practice, opening stubborn modeling clay lids and removing heat ducts to retrieve army men and/or doll clothing. OCEAN: What the bathroom floor looks like after bath night for kids, assorted pets, two or three full-sized towels and several dozen toy boats, cars and animals. OPEN: The position of children's mouths when they eat in front of company. OVERSTUFFED RECLINER: Mom's nickname for Dad. PANIC: What a mother goes through when the wind-up swing stops. PENITENTIARY: Where children who don't eat their vegetables or clean their rooms eventually end up, according to Mom. PETS: Small, furry creatures which follow kids home so Mom will have someone else to clean up after. PIANO: A large, expensive musical instrument which, after thousands of dollars worth of lessons and constant harping by Mom, kids will refuse to play in front of company. PURSE: A handbag in which Mom carries the checkbook and keys she can never find because they're buried under tissues, gum wrappers, a plastic container full of cereal, toys from a fast-food restaurant, a teddybear, a football, wallpaper samples, a grocery list, and several outdated coupons. QUIET: A state of household serenity which occurs before the birth of the first child and occurs again after the last child has left for college. RAINCOAT: Article of clothing Mom bought to keep a child dry and warm, rendered ineffective because it's in the bottom of a locker stuffed in a book bag or because the child refuses to wear "the geeky thing. "REFRIGERATOR: Combination art gallery and air conditioner for the kitchen. ROOM MOTHER: A position of great honor and responsibility bestowed on a mom who inadvertently misses a PTA meeting. SCHOOL PLAY: Sadistic ritual in which adults derive pleasure from watching offspring stumble through coarse reenactment of famous historic events. SCREAMING: Home P. A. system. SNOWSUITS: Warm, padded outer garments that, when completely zipped and snapped performs two important functions: Protecting children from the cold, and reminding them that they have to go to the bathroom. SUNDAY BEST: Attractive, expensive children's clothing made of a fabric which attracts melted chocolate and grape juice. TEACHER CONFERENCE: A meeting between Mom and that person who has yet to understand her child's "special needs. "TERRIBLE TWO'S: Having both kids at home all summer. TRAMP: A woman with two kids and no stretch marks. TROUBLE: Area of nonspecific space a child can always be sure to be in. VITAMINS: Tiny facsimiles of cave people Mom forces you to swallow each morning as part of her sinister plot to have you grow up to be "Just like Daddy. "WALLS: Complete set of drawing paper for kids that comes with every room. WASHING MACHINE: Household appliance used to clean blue jeans, permanent ink markers, loose change, homework, tissues, and wads of gum. "WHEN YOUR FATHER GETS HOME": Standard measurement of time between crime and punishment. XOXOXOXO: Mom salutation guaranteed to make the already embarrassing note in a kid's lunch box even more mortifying. ZUCCHINI: Vegetable which can be baked, boiled, fried, or steamed before kids refuse to eat it.
When I was in high school I used to be terrified of my girlfriend's father, who I believe suspected me of wanting to place my hands on his daughter's chest. He would open the door and immediately affect a good-naturedly murderous expression, holding out a handshake that, when gripped, felt like it could squeeze carbon into diamondsNow, years later, it is my turn to be the dad. Remembering how unfairly persecuted I felt when I would pick up my dates, I do my best ot make my daughter's suitors feel even worse. My motto: wilt them in the living room and they'll stay wilted all night. "So," I'll call out jovially. "I see you have your nose pierced. Is that because you're STUPID, or did you merely want to APPEAR stupid? "As a dad, I have some basic rules, which I have carved into two stone tablets that I have on display in my living room. Rule one: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure as heck not picking anything up. Rule two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them. Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to assure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric staple gun and fasten your trousers securely in place around your waist. Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I WILL kill you. Rule five: In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early". Rule six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make YOU cry. Rule seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process which can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car? Rule eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter. Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wodden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight, Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater and a goose down parka zipped up to her adam's apple. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chainsaws are okay. Hockey games are okay. My daughter claims it embarrasses her to come downstairs and find me attempting to get her date to recite these eight simple rules from memory. I'd be embarrassed too--there are only eight of them, for crying out loud! And, for the record, I did NOT suggest to one of these cretins that I'd have these rules tattooed on his arm if he couldn't remember them. (I checked into it and the cost is prohibitive. ) I merely told him that I thought writing the rules on his arm with a ball point might be inadequate--ink washes off--and that my wood burning set was probably a better alternative. One time, when my wife caught me having one of my daughter's would-be suitors practice pulling into the driveway, get out of the car, and go up to knock on the frond door (he had violated rule number one, so I figured he needed to run throught the drill a few dozen times) she asked me why I was being so hard on the boy. "Don't you remember being that age? " she challenged. Of course I remember. Why do you think I came up with the eight simple rules?
Rule OneIf you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up. Rule TwoYou do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them. Rule ThreeI am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise:You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, In order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist. Rule FourI'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you. Rule FiveIn order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early. "Rule SixI have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry. Rule SevenAs you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car? Rule EightThe following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter:Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chainsaws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better. Rule NineDo not lie to me. I may appear to be a pot-bellied, balding, middle-aged, dim-witted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me. Rule TenBe afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy outside of Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
An old man was sitting on a bench in the mall when a young man with spiked hair came over and sat down beside him. The boy's hair was yellow, green, orange and purple. He had black makeup around his eyes. The old man just stared at him. The boy said, "What's the matter, old man, haven't you ever done anything wild in your life? "The old man answered, "Well yes, actually I have. I once got drunk and screwed a parrot. . . I was just wondering if you were my son!"
Everyday I give thanks to God I was born a man instead of a broad When Oprah comes on, I turn off the TV I don't shave my legs, I stand up to pee I go to a barber, not a beauty salon Don't pluck out my eyebrows just to draw them back on Don't wax my pubes so I can wear shorts I use my turn signal, I understand sportsMan, I'm glad I'm a man, man Tell you the reason I am I don't go through a faze every 28 daysMan, I'm glad I'm a man I pay cash at the grocery, no checks or coupons Don't take a lot of friends when I go the the john I don't throw a fit when I break a nail I don't buy a lot of shoes just because they're on sale I don't apply makeup in my rear-view mirror I don't think of Bambi when I'm out hunting deer I drink beer from a bottle, not from a glass I don't ask my friends about the size of my assMan, I'm glad I'm a man, man Tell you the reason I am I don't face the pain of water-weight gain Man, I'm glad I'm a manLet me tell you ladies Listen to me ladies I love those things inside of your blouse I love your pretty faces Your warm and soft embraces But if I had my own two boobs, I'd never leave the houseI don't spend two hours getting ready for a date I don't play with dolls unless they inflate When someone asks me my age, I never lie After sex in bed, my spot's always dry I don't read about orgasms in Vogue magazines I don't mind if my dates try to get in my jeans I don't spend a fortune on French lingerie This is the same underwear I wore yesterdayMan, I'm glad I'm a man, man Tell you the reason I am I don't take a pill, I don't use Massengill Man, I'm glad I'm a manMan, I'm glad I'm a man, man Tell you the reason I am I find Michael Bolton completely revoltin' Man, I'm glad I'm a man
by Every guy in America:1. It is only common courtesy that you should leave the seat on the toilet UP when you are done. 2. If you are cooking a special dinner for a man, be sure to includesomething from each of the four major male food groups:*** Meat, Fried, Beer, and Red. ***3. Don't make him hold your purse in the mall. 4. Despite the overwhelming evidence to the contrary in many of the fine bars and fraternities throughout the country, not all men are cretins deserving your contempt. 5. Shopping is not fascinating. 6. When he asks for a threesome with you and your best friend, he is only joking. 7. Unless the answer is yes. 8. In which case, can he videotape it? 9. If you REALLY want a nice guy, stop dating good-looking assholes. 10. The man is ALWAYS in charge of poking the campfire with a stick and/or tending the grill. 11. Trying to provoke a large, dangerous-looking felon from across the room is not funny. 12. Money does not equate love. Not even in Nevada. 13. Any attempt by a man to prepare food, no matter how feeble . . (ie Microwaving a burrito, fixing Spaghetti, etc) should be met with roughly the same degree of praise a parent might shower upon their infant when it walks for the first time. 14. Those male models with perfect bodies are all gay. Accept it. 15. He heard you the first time. 16. You know, YOU can ask HIM out too. . . Let's spread the rejection around a little. 17. If you truly want honesty, don't ask questions you don't really want the answer to. 18. Of COURSE he wants another beer. 19. The guy doesn't ALWAYS have to sleep on the wet spot. 20. Dogs good. Cats bad. 21. Any sort of injury involving the testicles is not funny. 22. If he has to sit through "Legends of the Fall", you have to sit through "Showgirls". 23. "Fine. " is not an acceptible way to end an argument. 24. Do not question a man's innate navigational abilities by suggesting he stop for directions. 25. He was not looking at that other girl. 26. Well, okay. . . maybe a little. 27. Okay, so what! He was looking at her. Big deal. Like you never looked at another guy. . . 28. There is nothing inherently wrong with the word "motorcycle". 29. He is the funniest, strongest, best-looking, most successful man you have ever met. 30. And all your friends think so too. Especially the cute ones. 31. Your (select appropriate item:) butt/boobs/hair/makeup/legs look fine. As a matter of fact, it/they look damn good. Stop asking. 32. If you want a satisfying sex life, you will NEVER fake an orgasm. 33. It is not necessary to discuss the heaviness of your menstrual flow with him. 34. Remember: that Nair bottle looks an awful lot like shampoo if left in the shower. 35. Two words: blow job. Learn it. Live it. Love it. 36. Dirty laundry comes in several categories: Looks fine/smells fine, Looks fine/smells bad, Looks dirty/smells fine. Unless you intend to wash it, do not try to disrupt piles organized in this manner. 37. Yes, Sharon Stone/Pamela Anderson/Cindy Crawford is prettier than you. Just like Brad Pitt/Antonio Banderas/Keanu Reeves is better looking than him. But since neither one of you is going to be dating any of these people, love the one you're with. 38. Of course size matters, and boy does he have the grandaddy of them all. 39. His (fill in appropriate selections:) bald spot/beer gut/impossibly thick glasses/impotency/scabby rash, is cute. 40. Don't hog the covers. 41. Watching football is a major turn-on for you. But please wait until the halftime show to act upon that. . . 42. He does not just want to be friends. 43. A successful date always starts with the woman uttering the sentence:
Sign seen in a small restaurant:Thanks for visiting. If you liked the food, send your friends. Otherwise, send your mother-in-law.
These three women were roommates. One night they all had all gone out on dates and all came home at about the same time. The first one said, "You know you've been on a good date when you come home with your hair all messed up. " The second one said, "No, you know you've been on a good date when you come home with your makeup all smeared. "The third one said nothing, but reached under her skirt, removed her panties and threw them against the wall, where they stuck. She said, "Now THAT'S a good date!!"
Seminars for Females (Prepared and presented by Males)1. Elementary map reading2. Crying and law enforcement3. Advanced math seminar: Programming your VCR4. You can go shopping for less than 4 hours5. Gaining five pounds vs. the end of the world: A study in contrast. 6. PMS: It's your problem, not mine ("It's happened monthly since puberty-deal with it. ")7. Driving I. Getting past automatic transmissions8. Driving II. The meaning of blinking orange lights9. Driving III. Approximating a constant speed10. Driving IV. Makeup and Driving; it's as simple as oil and water11. Football: Not a game; a sacrament12. Telephone Translations (Formerly titled, "Me too" equals "I love you")13. How to earn your own money14. Gift giving fundamentals (Formerly titled, "Fabric bad, electronics good")15. Putting the seat down by yourself: Potential energy is on your side16. Beyond "Clean and Dirty" - The nuances of wearable laundry17. Yes, you can fill up at a self service station18. Joys of the remote control; Reaping the benefits of 50 channels19. What comes around, goes around: Why his credit card is not a toy20. His best friend can be yours too21. His poker games: Deal yourself out22. Commitment Schmittment (Formerly titled, "Wedlock Schmedlock")23. To honor and obey: Remembering the small print above "I do"24. Why your mother is unwelcome in the house25. Your mate: selfish bastard, or victimized sensitive man? Seminars For Males (Prepared and Presented by Females)1. Combatting stupidity2. You too can do housework3. PMS: Learn when to keep your mouth shut4. How to fill an ice tray5. We do not want sleazy underthings for Christmas: give us money6. Understanding the female response to your coming in drunk at 4am7. Wonderful laundry techniques (formerly titled, "Don't wash my silks")8. Parenting: It doesn't end with conception9. Get a life; learn to cook10. How not to act like a jackass when you're obviously wrong11. Spelling: Even you can get it right12. Understanding your financial incompetence13. You: The weaker sex14. Reasons to give flowers15. How to stay awake in public16. Why it is unacceptable to relieve yourself anywhere but the bathroom17. Garbage: Getting it to the curb18. You can fall asleep without it if you really try19. The morning dilemma if IT is awake: Take a shower20. I'll wear it if I damn well please21. How to put the toilet lid down (formerly titled "No, it's not a bidet")22. "The weekend" and "sports" are not synonyms23. Give me a break: Why we know your excuses are bull24. How to go shopping with your mate and not get lost25. The remote control: Overcoming your dependency26. Romanticism: Ideas other than sex27. Helpful postural hints for couch potatoes28. Mothers-in-law: They are people too29. Male bonding: Leaving your friends at home30. You too can be a designated driver31. Seeing the true you (formerly titled, "You don't look like Mel Gibson when naked")32. Changing your underwear: It really works33. The attainable goal: removing "tits" from your vocabulary34. Fluffing the blankets after flatulating is not necessary35. Techniques for calling home before you leave work
Earn cash in your spare time. . blackmail your friends!