Q: Why do penguins live in the Arctic? A: Because they can't fly to Florida like the rest of the old birds.
A man calls his mother in Florida. "Mom, how are you? ""Not too good,"says the mother. "I've been very weak. "The son says, "Why are you so weak? "She says, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days. "The man says, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days? The mother answers, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filledwith food if you should call. "
The newlyweds had decided to take Amtrak's "Car Train" to Florida, so they would have the mobility of being able to use their own vehicle on the honeymoon. They settled into one of the train's upper berths together and cuddled. As the nite progressed, the new bride was heard to say quite excitedly a number of times, "I just can't believe that we're finally married Kenny. " After about the 3rd time in five minutes, a voice came out of the dark, "God dammit Kenny !!! Will you please convince her so's we can all get some sleep ? ? ? "
A couple was having a discussion about what to see and do now that they were safely in Florida on their honeymoon. Trying to assert himself rite off the bat, he exploded, "If it weren't for my money, we wouldn't be here at all!" The wife replied, "My dear, if it weren't for your money, not only would we not be in Florida, we wouldn't on a honeymoon, nor would there be any "we" in the first place. "
A 70-year-old man has never been married. One day he meets a beautiful 17-year-old girl, and it is love at first sight. They get married and go to Florida for their honeymoon. When they get back, his friend says to him, "So, tell me, how was it? ""Oh, it was beautiful," says the man. "The sun, the surf, we made love almost every night, we--"His friend interrupts him. "A man your age! How did you make love almost every night? ""Oh," says the man, "we almost made love Monday, we almost made love Tuesday. . . "
Down in Florida, two widows were talking and one asked the other, "Do you ever get to feeling horny? ""Yes,"her friend replied. "What do you do about it? ""I usually suck on a Lifesaver. "After a moment of stunned silence her friend asked, "Well, what beach do you go to? "
|1. When no one else is looking, you swear that the monkeys are mocking you. 2. The Bears exhibit is nothing more than the guys cut from the football team during training camp. 3. The stripes on the zebra tend to peel away in the heat. 4. The Zookeeper always wants to take the Rhino for a walk. 5. The Lion in the lion cage closely resembles the one from The Lion King. 6. The alligator in the Reptiles exhibit is nothing more than the University of Florida's Mascot. 7. If you deposit 50 cents, the giraffe will magically appear and talk to you. 8. Ask the Tour Guide too many questions and you're suddenly dipped in some sort of sauce and placed in the Tigers den. 9. The Elephant appear to be two guys in a two part Elephant suit. 10. Two words: Hippo Dogs!
|Two blondes had driven across the country to see Disney World in Florida. As they approached it and got onto the final stretch of highway, they saw a sign saying "Disney World Left!"After thinking for a minute, the driver blonde said "Oh well!" and started driving back home.
|While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting and old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted,"Are there any gators around here? !" "Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!" "Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore. About halfway there he asked the guy,"How'd you get rid of the gators? " "We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said. "The sharks got 'em. "
|The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny. February 10, 1993FBI and Florida authorities arrested Paul E. Flasher, 45, who had been sentenced to five years in prison in 1980 for grand theft but who had never been jailed. Flasher said he had gone home from the sentencing hearing in Tampa and "sat tight," just as his lawyer had instructed, waiting for notification to report to prison. Authorities forgot him for 12 years.
|Apparently, Harry Redknapp offered to send the West Ham squad on an expenses paid holiday to Florida but they said they'd rather go to Blackpool so they could see what it's like to ride on an open-top bus.
|I've sure gotten old. I've had two By-pass surgeries. A hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer, and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation, hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But. . . . . Thank God, I still have my Florida driver's license!
|The following is a true story written by an educational psychologist and her experience on a plane. On a flight to Florida, I was preparing my notes for one of the parent-education seminars I conduct as an educational psychologist. The elderly woman sitting next to me explained that she was returning to Miami after having spent two weeks visiting her six children, 18 grandchildren and ten great-grandchildren in Boston. Then she inquired what I did for a living. I told her, fully expecting her to question me for free professional advice. Instead she sat back, picked up a magazine and said, "If there's anything you want to know, just ask me. "
These are actual newspaper headlines gathered from papers across the country. Bible church's focus is the Bible: Saint Augustine Record, Florida, December 3, 1994 Clinton pledges restraint in use of nuclear weapons: Cedar Rapids Gazette, April 6 Discoveries: Older blacks have edge in longevity: The Chicago Tribune, March 5 Court Rules Boxer Shorts Are Indeed Underwear: Journal of Commerce, April 20 Biting nails can be sign of tenseness in a person: The Daily Gazette of Schenectady, New York, May 2 Lack of brains hinders research: The Columbus Dispatch, April 16 How we feel about ourselves is the core of self-esteem, says author Louise Hart: Boulder, Colorado, Sunday Camera, February 5 Fish lurk in streams: Rochester, New York, Democrat + Chronicle, January 29
These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations. An ad on the subway in NYC: "Learn to read and speak English. Call us now. " An Amelia Island, FL, podiatrist: "Emergency Foot Surgery- Walk-ins Welcomed. " Sign over a restroom in a restaurant: "Used beer department. " On a store front in Florida: "Your one stop shop! Beer ammo and liquor. Drive through open 24 hours!" A speed limit sign on Long Beach Island, New Jersey: "Smile, You're on Radar!" Seen in a State Park in California: "Weather Station (A large sign with a Rock hanging on a rope) Check the Rock. If it's wet, it's raining. If it's moving, it's windy. If you can't see it, it's foggy. If rock is gone, it's a tornado. "
Yo mama so tall she tripped over a rock and hit her head on the moon. Yo mama so tall she tripped in Michigan and hit her head in Florida.
OPERATOR, WE'VE BEEN DISCONNECTED: Florida State Senator John McKay has resigned from the Senate Regulated Industries Committee, which oversees such monopolies as the phone company, after his wife charged in a divorce proceeding that McKay had been having an affair with the lobbyist for the Sprint telephone company. (AP) John, that's not what Ma Bell meant by "Reach Out and Touch Someone".
A 70-year-old man has never been married. One day, he meets a beautiful 17-year-old girl, and it is love at first sight. They get married and go to Florida for their honeymoon. When they get back, his friend says to him, "So, tell me, how was it? ""Oh, it was beautiful," says the man. "The sun, the surf, we made love almost every night, we -"His friend interrupts him. "A man your age! How did you make love almost every night? ""Oh," says the man, "we almost made love Monday, we almost made love Tuesday. . . "
A local florist just went out of business, but it was his own fault. He kept getting his orders mixed up. One woman received flowers sent by her husband, who was at a business meeting in Florida. She was perplexed by the message on her card: "Our deepest sympathy. "But she was not nearly as surprised as the woman whose husband had just passed away. Her card read, "Hotter here than I expected. Too bad you didn't come too. "
In Florida there was a swimming contest. The contestants were abrunette-Mindy, a redhead-Cindy, and a blonde-Sandy. The second race was the Breast Stroke. . . the order of finish was:The brunette came in first, the redhead second,. . . "but wait", where wasthe blonde? ? ? She was still racing!When she got to the finish line. . . she said " THEY CHEATED!!"The Judge said "how? ? "The dumb blonde screamed. . . "THEY USED THEIR ARMS!"