Four life-long friends, a doctor, lawyer, professor, and a businessman, belonging to the same exclusive club had made a pact. When one dies, they agreed, the others will lay $5,000 each on his coffin so he'll have some spending money in the after life. Well, one day the professor passes away. At his funeral the three friends took turns going up to the coffin and paying their respects. The doctor was first, laying 50 $100 bills inside the casket. Next was the businessman, tearfully placing his $5,000 cash next to his deceased friend. Then the lawyer approached the coffin . . . . . wrote out a check for $15,000 . . . laid it in the casket, and picked up the 10 grand in cash.
Storming into his lawyer's office, a Texas oil magnate demanded that divorce proceedings begin at once against his young bride. "What's the problem? ""I want to hit that adulterin' bitch for breach of contract," snapped the oil man. "I don't know if that will fly," said the lawyer. "I mean your wife isn't a piece of property; you don't own her!""Damn right," the tycoon rejoined, "but I sure as hell expect exclusive drillin' rights!
|After many years of hard work, Joe rewarded himself with a long, luxurious stay at an exclusive Carribean resort. While relaxing on the beach, he was surprised to see a former high school classmate who he hadn't seen since they graduated. His old friend had been something of a "burnout" in high school, and this was the last place Joe expected to see him. Joe approached the man, and seized his hand. "Pete, it's Joe. From high school. It's sure been a long time. You look great! You must really be doing okay for yourself. ""I am," whispered Pete. "I am a partner with a very successful law firm. But don't tell mother. She got the idea that I was a drug dealer back when I was in high school, and she would be terribly disappointed if she figured out how I really make my money. "
|A shoplifter was caught red-handed trying to steal a watch from an exclusive jewelry store. "Listen," said the shoplifter, "I know you don't want any trouble either. What do you say I just buy the watch and we forget about this? " The manager agreed and wrote up the sales slip. The crook looked at the slip and said, "This is a little more than I intended to spend. Can you show me something less expensive? "
|AAC\tAlter All CommandsAAD\tAlter All DataAAO\tAdd And OverflowAAR\tAlter At RandomAB\tAdd BackwardsABC\tAlphaBetize CodeABR\tAdd Beyond RangeACC\tAdvance CPU ClockACDC\tAllow Controller to Delete ContentsACDP\tAllow Controller to Die PeacefullyACQT\tAdvance Clock to Quitting TimeADB\tAnother Dumb BugAEE\tAbsolve Engineering ErrorsAFF\tAdd Fudge FactorAFHB\tAlign Fullword on Halfword BoundaryAFP\tAbnormalize Floating PointAFR\tAbort Funny RoutineAFVC\tAdd Finagle's Variable ConstantAGB\tAdd GarBageAGWA\tAdd and Get Wrong AnswerAI\tAdd ImproperAIB\tAttack Innocent BystanderAIB\tAttack Innocent BystandersAISG\tAccess and Improve Student GradeAMM\tAdd Mayo and MustardAMM\tAnswer My MailAMS\tAdd Memory to SystemANC\tANnoy ConsultantAOI\tAnnoy Operator ImmediateAR\tAdvance RudelyAR\tAlter RealityARN\tAdd and Reset to Non-zeroARN\tAdd and Reset to NonzeroARZ\tAdd and Reset to ZeroAS\tAdd SidewaysASQGSA\tASCII Stupid Question, Get a Stupid ANSIAT\tAccumulate TriviaAWP\tArgue With ProgrammerAWTT\tAssemble With Tinker ToysBA\tBranch AnywhereBAC\tBranch to Alpha CentauriBAD\tBranch And DieBAD\tBranch to Auto DestructBAF\tBlow All FusesBAH\tBranch And HangBALC\tBranch And Link CheeseburgerBAP\tBranch And PuntBAW\tBells And WhistlesBB\tBranch on BugBBBB\tByte Baudy Bit and BranchBBBF\tBranch on Bit Bucket FullBBD\tBranch on Bastille DayBBI\tBranch on Burned-out IndicatorBBIL\tBranch on Burned-out Indicator LightBBLB\tBranch on Blinking Light BulbBBT\tBranch on Binary TreeBBW\tBranch Both WaysBCB\tBurp and Clear BytesBCF\tBranch on Chip box FullBCIL\tBranch Creating Infinite LoopBCR\tBackspace Card ReaderBCS\tBranch and Crash SystemBCU\tBe Cruel and UnusualBD\tBackspace DiskBD\tBranch to DataBDC\tBreak Down and CryBDI\tBranch to Data IndirectBDM\tBranch and Disconnect MemoryBDT\tBurn Data TreeBDU\tBranch on Dense UserBE\tBranch EverywhereBEW\tBranch Either WayBF\tBelch FireBF\tBlow FuseBF\tBranch ForeverBFD\tBranch on Full DiskBFF\tBranch and Form FeedBFM\tBe Fruitful and MultiplyBH\tBranch and HangBIR\tBranch Inside RanchBIRM\tBranch on Index Register MissingBLC\tBranch and Loop ContinuousBLI\tBranch and Loop InfiniteBLM\tBranch, Like, MaybeBLMWM\tBranch, Like, Maybe, Wow, ManBLP\tBoot from Line PrinterBLR\tBranch and Lose ReturnBLSH\tBuy Low, Sell HighBLT\tBreak Little ThingBM\tBranch MaybeBMI\tBlow up Memory ImmediateBMI\tBranch on Missing IndexBMI\tBranch to Muncee ImmediateBMP\tBranch and Make PopcornBMR\tBranch Multiple RegistersBMUS\tBeam Me Up, ScottyBNA\tBranch to Nonexistant AddressBNCB\tBranch and Never Come BackBNL\tBecome a Neo-LudditeBNR\tBranch for No ReasonBOB\tBranch On BugBOD\tBeat On DiskBOD\tBranch on Operator DesperateBOH\tBranch On HumidityBOH\tBranch on Operator HighBOHP\tBribe Operator for Higher PriorityBOI\tByte Operator ImmediatelyBOP\tBoot OPeratorBOT\tBranch On TreeBPB\tBranch on Program BugBPDI\tBe Polite, Don't InterruptBPIM\tBury Programmer In ManualsBPL\tBranch PLeaseBPM\tBecome a Psych MajorBPO\tBranch on Power OffBPO\tBranch on Power OnBPP\tBranch and Pull the PlugBR\tByte and RunBRA\tBranch to Random AddressBRB\tBRanch on BeaverBRH\tBRanch and HangBRI\tBRanch IndefinitelyBRL\tBRanch and LeakBRO\tBRanch and OverheatBRO\tBRanch to OblivionBS\tBehave StrangelyBSC\tBranch on Second ComingBSC\tBurst Selector ChannelBSD\tBackSpace DiskBSI\tBack up Sewer ImmediateBSI\tBackup Sewer ImmediatelyBSM\tBranch and Scramble MemoryBSO\tBranch on Sleepy OperatorBSP\tBackSpace PunchBSR\tBranch and Stomp RegistersBSS\tBranch on SunSpotBSST\tBackSpace and Stretch TapeBTD\tBranch on Time of DayBTD\tByte The DustBTI\tBlow Trumpet ImmediatelyBTJ\tBranch and Turn JapaneseBTO\tBranch To OblivionBTW\tBranch on Third WednesdayBU\tBranch UnexpectedlyBUTI\tBlow Up Terminal ImmediatelyBVS\tBranch and Veer SouthBW\tBranch on WhimBWC\tBranch When ConvenientBWF\tBusy, Wait ForeverBWOP\tBeWilder OPeratorBYDS\tBeware Your Dark SideBYTE\tBYte TEstCAC\tCalling All CarsCAC\tCash And CarryCAF\tConvert ASCII to FarsiiCAI\tCorrupt Accounting InformationCAIL\tCrash After I LeaveCAR\tCancel Accounts ReceivableCAT\tConfused And TiredCB\tConsult BozoCBA\tCompare and Branch AnywayCBBR\tCrash and Blow Boot Read-only memoryCBNC\tClose, But No CigarCBS\tClobber BootStrapCC\tCall CalveryCC\tCompliment CoreCCB\tChocolate Chip Byte-modeCCB\tConsult Crystal BallCCC\tCrash if Carry ClearCCCP\tConditionally Corrupt Current ProcessCCD\tChoke Cough and DieCCD\tClear Core and DumpCCR\tChange Channels at RandomCCS\tChinese Character SetCCWR\tChange Color of Write RingCD\tComplement DiskCDC\tClear Disk and CrashCDC\tClose Disk CoverCDIOOAZ\tCalm Down, It's Only Ones And ZeroesCDS\tChange Disk SpeedCEMU\tClose Eyes and Monkey with User spaceCEX\tCall EXterminatorCF\tCome From [replaces goto]CFE\tCall Field EngineerCFP\tChange and Forget PasswordCFS\tCorrupt File StructureCG\tConvert to GarbageCH\tCreate HavocCHCJ\tCompare Haig to Christine JorgensenCHPAMR\tCHase Pointers Around Machine RoomCHSE\tCompare Half-words and Swap if EqualCIB\tChange Important ByteCIC\tCash In ChipsCID\tCompare and Ignore DataCIMM\tCreate Imaginary Memory MapCIZ\tClear If ZeroCLBR\tCLoBber RegisterCLBRI\tCLoBber Register ImmediateCM\tCirculate MemoryCMD\tCPU Melt DownCMD\tCompare Meaningless DataCMI\tClobber Monitor ImmediateCML\tCompute Meaning of LifeCMP\tCreate Memory ProsthesisCMS\tClick MicroSwitchCN\tCompare NonsensicallyCNB\tCause Nervous BreakdownCNS\tCall Nonexistent SubroutineCOCS\tCopy Object Code to SourceCOD\tCrash On DemandCOLB\tCrash for Operator's Lunch BreakCOM\tClear Operator's MindCOMF\tCOMe FromCON\tCall Operator NowCOS\tCopy Object code to Source fileCOWYHU\tCome Out With Your Hands UpCP\tCompliment ProgrammerCP%FKM\tCPU \\(em FlaKeout ModeCP%WM\tCPU \\(em Weird ModeCPB\tCreate Program BugCPN\tCall Programmer NamesCPPR\tCrumple Printer Paper and RipCRASH\tContinue Running After Stop or HaltCRB\tCRash and BurnCRD\tConfirm Rumor by DenialCRM\tCReate MemoryCRM\tClear Random MemoryCRN\tCompare with Random NumberCRN\tConvert to Roman NumeralsCRYPT\treCuRsive encrYPt TapeCS\tCrash SystemCSL\tCurse and Swear LoudlyCSN\tCall Supervisor NamesCSNIO\tCrash System on Next I/OCSS\tCrash Subsidiary SystemsCSU\tCall Self UnconditionalCTDMR\tChange Tape Density, Mid RecordCTT\tCall Time and TemperatureCU\tConvert to UnaryCUC\tCheat Until CaughtCVFL\tConVert Floating to LogicalCVFP\tConVert Fortran to PascalCVG\tConVert to GarbageCVU\tConVert to UnaryCWAH\tCreate Woman And HoldCWB\tCarry With BorrowCWDC\tCut Wires and Drop CoreCWG\tChase Wild GooseCWGK\tCompare Watt to Genghis KhanCWIT\tCompare Watt to Ivan the TerribleCWM\tCompare Watt to MussoliniCWOM\tComplement Write-Only MemoryCZZC\tConvert Zone to Zip CodeDA\tDevelop AmnesiaDAB\tDelete All BugsDAC\tDivide And ConquerDAD\tDestroy A-DiskDAO\tDivide And OverflowDAP\tDe-select Active PeripheralDAUF\tDelete All Useless FilesDB\tDrop BitsDBL\tDesegregate Bus LinesDBR\tDeBase RegisterDBTP\tDrop Back Ten and PuntDBZ\tDivide By ZeroDC\tDegauss CoreDC\tDivide and ConquerDCAD\tDump Core And DieDCD\tDrop Cards DoubleDCGC\tDump Confusing Garbage to ConsoleDCI\tDisk Crash ImmediateDCON\tDisable CONsleDCR\tDouble-precision CRashDCT\tDrop Cards TripleDD\tDestroy DiskDD\tDrop DiskDDC\tDally During CalculationsDDOA\tDrop Dead On AnswerDDS\tDelaminate Disk SurfaceDDT\tDebug ProgramDDWB\tDeposit Directly in Waste BasketDEB\tDisk Eject BothDEC\tDecompile Executable CodeDEI\tDisk Eject ImmediateDEM\tDisk Eject MemoryDFA\tDisable FAnsDGO\tDecrement the Grades of OthersDGT\tDispense Gin and TonicDHTPL\tDisk Head Three Point LandingDIA\tDevelop Ineffective AddressDICE\tDelete Invalid Customer EngineerDIE\tDIsable EverythingDIF\tDIsable FusesDIG\tDIsable GravityDIH\tDisable Interrupts and HangDIRFO\tDo It Right For OnceDISC\tDISmount CPUDK\tDestroy KlingonsDKP\tDisavow Knowledge of ProgrammerDLN\tDon't Look NowDLP\tDrain Literal PoolDMAG\tDo MAGicDMNS\tDo what i Mean, Not what i SayDMP\tDestroy Memory Protect keyDMPE\tDecide to Major in Phys. Ed. DMPK\tDestroy Memory Protect KeyDMZ\tDivide Memory by ZeroDND\tDestroy Neighbor's DataDNPG\tDo Not Pass GoDO\tDivide and OverflowDO\tDivide and Overflow [IBM PC]DOC\tDrive Operator CrazyDOV\tDivide and OVerflowDP\tDestroy PeripheralsDPC\tDecrement Program CounterDPCS\tDecrement Program Counter SecretlyDPK\tDestroy storage Protect KeyDPMI\tDeclare Programmer Mentally IncompetentDPN\tDouble Precision No-opDPR\tDestroy PRogramDPS\tDisable Power SupplyDR\tDetach RootDRAF\tDRAw FlowchartDRAM\tDecrement RAMDRBA\tDeposit Round-off in my Bank AccountDRD\tDRop DeadDRI\tDisable Random InterruptDROM\tDestroy ROMDRT\tDisconnect Random TerminalDS\tDeadlock SystemDSD\tDismount System DiskDSI\tDo Something InterestingDSO\tDisable System OperatorDSP\tDegrade System PerformanceDSR\tDetonate Status RegisterDSTD\tDo Something Totally DifferentDSUIT\tDo Something Utterly, Indescribably TerribleDT%FFP\tDecTape \\(em unload and Flappa FlaPDT%SHO\tDecTape \\(em Spin Hubs OppositeDTB\tDestructively Test BitDTC\tDestroy This CommandDTE\tDecrement Telephone ExtensionDTI\tDo The ImpossibleDTRT\tDo The Right ThingDTVFL\tDestroy Third Variable From LeftDU\tDump UserDUD\tDo Until DeadDW\tDestroy WorldDWIM\tDo What I MeanDWIT\tDo What I'm ThinkingDWIW\tDo What I WantEA\tEnable AnythingEAC\tEmulate Acoustic CouplerEAL\tEnable AC to Logic rackEAO\tEnable AC to OperatorEBB\tEdit and Blank BufferEBB\tEmpty Bit BucketEBR\tErase Before ReadingEBRS\tEmit Burnt Resistor SmellEC\tEat CardECF\tExplode and Catch FireECL\tEarly Care LaceECO\tElectrocute Computer OperatorECP\tErase Card PunchED\tEject DiskED\tExecute DataEDD\tEat Disk and DieEDIT\tErase Data and Increment TimeEDP\tEmulate Debugged ProgramEDR\tEmit Deadly RadiationEDR\tExecute Destructive ReadEDS\tExecute Data SegmentEEOIFNO\tExecute Every Other Instruction From Now OnEEP\tErase Entire ProgramEFB\tEmulate Five-volt BatteryEFD\tEject Floppy DiskEFD\tEmulate Frisbee using Disk packEFE\tEmulate Fatal ErrorEHC\tEmulate Headless ChickenEIA\tElvis Is AliveEIAO\tExecute In Any OrderEIO\tErase I/O pageEIO\tExecute Invalid Op-codeEIO\tExecute Invalid OpcodeEIOC\tExecute Invalid Op-CodeEJD\tEJect DiskEJD%V\tEJect Disk \\(em with initial velocity VELP\tEnter Loop PermenantlyEM\tEMulate 407EM\tEvacuate MemoryEMIF\tErase Most Important FileEMM\tEmulate More MemoryEMPC\tEMulate Pocket CalculatorEMSE\tEdit and Mark Something ElseEMSL\tEntire Memory Shift LeftEMT\tElectrocute Maintenance TechnicianEMW\tEmulate Maytag WasherENA\tENable AnythingENE\tENable EverythingEND\tErase Neighbor's DataENF\tEmit Noxious FumesENG\tENable GravityENO\tEmulate No-OpEO\tElectrocute OperatorEOB\tExecute Operator and BranchEOI\tExplode On InterruptEOS\tErase Operating SystemEP\tExecute ProgrammerEPD\tExplode Peripheral DeviceEPI\tExecute Programmer ImmediateEPITS\tExecute Previous Instruction Then SkipEPL\tEmulate Phone LineEPP\tEject Printer PaperEPS\tElectrostatic Print and SmearEPS\tExecute Program SidewaysEPSW\tExecute Program Status WordEPT\tErase Process TableEPT\tErase Punched TapeERIC\tEject Random Integrated CircuitERM\tErase Reserved MemoryEROM\tErase Read-Only MemoryEROS\tErase Read-Only StorageEROS\tErase Read-Only Storage [Everex int]ERS\tErase Read-only StorageESB\tEject Selectric BallESC\tEmulate System CrashESD\tEject Spinning DishESL\tExceed Speed of LightESP\tEnable SPrinkler systemETI\tExecute This InstructionETM\tEmulate Trinary MachineETPH\tE. T. Phone HomeEVC\tExecute Verbal CommandsEWD\tEnter Warp DriveEWM\tEnter Whimsy ModeEXB\tEXcrement and BranchEXE\tEXecute EngineerEXI\tEXecute Invalid operationEXO\tEXecute OperatorEXOP\tEXecute OPeratorEXP\tEXecute ProgrammerEXPP\tEXecute Political PrisonerFAY\tFetch Amulet of YendorFB\tFind BugsFC\tFry ConsoleFCJ\tFeed Card and JamFCJ\tFeed Cards and JamFD\tForget DataFDR\tFeed Disk RandomlyFERA\tForms Eject and Run AwayFFF\tForm Feed ForeverFLD\tFLing DiskFLI\tFlash Lights ImpressivelyFM\tForget MemoryFMP\tFinish My ProgramFOPC\tFalse Out-of-Paper ConditionFPC\tFeed Paper ContinuouslyFPT\tFire Photon TorpedoesFRG\tFill with Random GarbageFRS\tFetch Ring of SauronFS\tFeign SleepFSM\tFold, Spindle, and MutilateFSR\tForm Skip and RunawayFSRA\tForms Skip and Run AwayFYBR\tFollow Yellow Brick RoadGAP\tGrade All ProjectsGBB\tGo to Back of BusGCAR\tGet Correct Answer RegardlessGCR\tGenerate Confusing ResultsGDP\tGrin Defiantly at ProgrammerGDR\tGrab Degree and RunGENT\tGENerate ThesisGEW{JO}\tGo to the End of the World {Jump Off}GFD\tGo Forth and DivideGFM\tGo Forth and MultiplyGIE\tGenerate Irreversible ErrorGL\tGet LostGLC\tGenerate Lewd CommentGMC\tGenerate Machine CheckGMCC\tGenerate Machine Check and CashGND\tGuess at Next DigitGORS\tGO Real SlowGPCR\tGenerate Petty Cache RequestGR\tGet RealGREM\tGenerate Random Error MessageGREP\tGlobal Ruin, Expiration, and PurgationGRMC\tGenerate Rubber Machine CheckGS\tGet StrangeGSB\tGulp and Store BytesGSI\tGenerate Spurious InterruptsGSU\tGeometric Shift UpGTJ\tGo To JailHAC\tHold All CallsHACF\tHalt And Catch FireHAH\tHalt And HangHBW\tHang Bus and WaitHCF\tHalt and Catch FireHCP\tHide Central ProcessorHCRS\tHang in CRitical SectionHDH\tHi Dee HoHDO\tHalt and Disable OperatorHDRW\tHalt and Display Random WordHELP\tHinder Everyone with Little ProductivityHELP\tType 'No Help Available'HEO\tHalt and Execute OperatorHF\tHide FileHGD\tHalt, Get DrunkHHB\tHalt and Hang BusHIS\tHalt in Imposible StateHOO\tHide Operator's OutputHRPR\tHang up and Ruin Printer RibbonHSC\tHalt on System CrashHSJ\tHalt, Skip and JumpHTC\tHalt and Toss CookiesHTS\tHalt and Throw SparksHUAL\tHalt Until After LunchHUP\tHang Up PhoneHWP\tHalt Without ProvocationIA\tIllocical AndIAE\tIgnore All ExceptionsIAI\tInquire And IgnoreIAND\tIllogical ANDIAR\tIgnore All RequestsIB\tInsert BugIBM\tIncrement and Branch to MunceeIBP\tInsert Bug and ProceedIBR\tInsert Bugs at RandomICB\tInterrupt, Crash and BurnICM\tImmerse Central MemoryICMD\tInitiate Core Melt DownICR\tIncur Costly Repair [Sun Tempest]ICSP\tInvert Crt Screen PictureIDC\tInitiate Destruct CommandIDI\tInvoke Divine InterventionIDNOP\tInDirect No-OPIDPS\tIgnore Disk Protect SwitchIEOF\tIgnore End Of FileIF\tInvoke ForceIGI\tIncrement Grade ImmediateIGIT\tIncrement Grade Immediate TwiceIGO\tIncrement Grade OvernightIHC\tInitiate Head CrashIHTFP\tIncrement Hormones, Test For PubertyII\tInquire and IgnoreIIB\tIgnore Inquiry and BranchIIC\tInsert Invisible CharactersIIL\tIrreversable Infinite LoopIM\tImagine MemoryIMBP\tInsert Mistake and Blame ProgrammerIMP\tImitate Monty PythonIMPG\tIMPress GirlfriendIMV\tIMpress VisitorsINCAM\tINCrement Arbitrary MemoryING\tINquire and iGnoreINI\tIgnore Next InstructionINOP\tIndirect No-OPINR\tINstigate RumorINW\tINvalidate WarrantyIOI\tIgnore Operator's InstructionIOR\tIllogical ORIOS\tIgnore Operating SystemIP\tIncrement and PrayIPI\tIgnore Previous InstructionIPM\tIgnore Programmer's MistakesIPOP\tInterrupt Processor, Order PizzaIPS\tIncinerate Power SupplyIPS\tIncrement Power SupplyIPT\tIgnite Paper TapeIRB\tInvert Record and BranchIRBI\tInsert Random Bits IndexedIRC\tInsert Random CommandsIRE\tInsert Random ErrorsIRI\tIgnore Rude InterruptsIRPF\tInfinite Recursive Page FaultISC\tIgnore Supervisor CallsISC\tIgnore System CrashISC\tInsert Sarcastic CommentsISI\tIncrement and Skip on InifinityISP\tIncrement and Skip on PiISTK\tInvert STacKITML\tInitiate Termites into Macro LibraryIU\tIgnore User[s]IXOR\tIllogical eXclusive ORIZ\tIgnore ZeroesJAA\tJump Almost AlwaysJBS\tJump and Blow StackJCI\tJump to Current InstructionJFM\tJump on Full MoonJHRB\tJump to H&R BlockJLP\tJump and Lose PointerJLR\tJump and Lose ReturnJMAT\tJuMp on Alternate ThursdaysJN\tJump to NowhereJNL\tJump when programmer is Not LookingJOB\tJump On BeaverJOM\tJump Out of MemoryJOM\tJump Over MoonJOP\tJump OPeratorJPA\tJump when Pizza ArrivesJRAN\tJump RANdomJRCF\tJump Relative and Catch FireJRGA\tJump Relative and Get ArrestedJRL\tJump to Random LocationJRSR\tJump to Random SubRoutineJSC\tJump on System CrashJSOR\tJump Somewhere Over RainbowJSU\tJump Self UnconditionalJT\tJump if TuesdayJTT\tJump and Tangle TapeJTZ\tJump to Twilight ZoneJWN\tJump When NecessaryKCE\tKill Consultant on ErrorKCE\tKill repairman [CE]KDO\tKnock Disk OverKEPITU\tKill Every Process In The UniverseKOP\tKill OPeratorKP\tKrunch PaperKPR\tKill PRogrammerKSR\tKeyboard Shift RightKUD\tKill User's DataKWWE\tKill Wicked Witch of EastKWWW\tKill Wicked Witch of WestLAC\tLose All CommunicationLAGW\tLoad And Go WrongLAP\tLaugh At ProgramLAP\tLaugh At ProgrammerLCC\tLoad and Clear CoreLCD\tLaunch Cartridge DiskLCK\tLock Console KeyswitchLEB\tLink Edit BackwardsLIA\tLoad Ineffective AddressLMB\tLose Message and BranchLMO\tLoad and Mug OperatorLMYB\tLogical MaYBeLN\tLose inode NumberLNP\tLoad N digits of PiLOSM\tLog Off System ManagerLP%PAS\tLine Printer \\(em Print And SmearLP%RDD\tLine Printer \\(em Reverse Drum DirectionLP%TCR\tLine Printer \\(em Tangle and Chew RibbonLPA\tLead Programmer AstrayLPRTC\tLoad Program counter from Real Time ClockLR\tLoad RevolverLRA\tLoad RetroActivelyLRB\tLose Record and BranchLRD\tLoad Random DataLSPSW\tLoad and Scramble PSWLTS\tLink To SputnikLTS\tLoop Till SmokesLUM\tLUbricate MemoryLWE\tLoad WhatEverLWM\tLoad Write-only MemoryMAB\tMelt Address BusMAN\tMake Animal NoisesMAZ\tMultiply Answer by ZeroMBC\tMake Batch ConfettiMBF\tMultiply and Be FruitfulMBH\tMemory Bank Hold-upMBTD\tMount Beatles on Tape DriveMBTOL\tMove Bug To Operator's LunchMC\tMove ContinuousMD\tMove DeviousMDB\tMove and Drop BitsMDC\tMake Disk CrashMDDHAF\tMake Disk Drive Hop Across FloorMFO\tMount Female OperatorMILI\tMove It or Lose ItMLB\tMemory Left shift and BranchMLP\tMake Lousy ProgramMLP\tMultiply and Lose PrecisionMLR\tMove and Lose RecordMMF\tMelt Main FrameMMLG\tMake Me Look GoodMNI\tMisread Next InstructionMOG\tMake Operator GrowlMOP\tModify Operator's PersonalityMPLP\tMake Pretty Light PatternMRZ\tMake Random ZapMSGD\tMake Screen Go DimMSP\tMistake Sign for ParityMSPI\tMake Sure Plugged InMSR\tMelt Special RegisterMST\tMount Scotch TapeMTE\tMangle Tape on ExitMTI\tMake Tape InvalidMUG\tMake Ugly GraphicsMUM\tMulti-Use MnemonicsMW\tMalfunction WheneverMW\tMultiply WorkMWC\tMove and Wrap CoreMWT\tMalfunction Without TellingNBC\tNegate By ClearingNCW\tNotch Carriage and WayNMI\tNegate Most IntegersNOP\tNeedlessly Omit PointerNPC\tNormalize Program CounterNPN\tNo Program Necessary [VAX]NTGH\tNot Tonight, i've Got a HeadacheOBB\tOverflow Bit BucketOCF\tOpen Circular FileOMC\tObscene Message to ConsoleOMC\tOverheat Memory ChipOML\tObey Murphy's LawsOPI\tOrder Pizza ImmediatelyOPP\tOrder Pizza for ProgrammerOSI\tOverflow Stack ImmediateOSI\tOverflow Stack IndefiniteOSP\tOpen Six-PackOTL\tOut To LunchOU\tOffend UserP$*!\tPunch ObscenityPA\tPunch in ASCIIPAL\tPack And LeavePAS\tPrint And SmearPAUD\tPAUse DramaticallyPAZ\tPack Alpha ZonePAZ\tPack Alpha and drop ZonesPBC\tPrint and Break ChainPBD\tPrint and Break DrumPBL\tPack Bags and LeavePBM\tPop Bubble MemoryPBPBPBP\tPlace Backup in Plain Brown Paper Bag PleasePBST\tPlay Batch mode Star TrekPCB\tPause for Coffee BreakPCD\tPunCh DiskPCI\tPleat Cards ImmediatePCR\tPrint and Cut RibbonPCS\tPush to Centre of StackPD\tPlay DeadPD\tPunch DiskPDLD\tPower Down and Lock Door [to computer room]PDSK\tPunch DiSKPEHC\tPunch Extra Holes in CardsPEP\tPrint on Edge of PaperPFD\tPunt on Fourth DownPFE\tPrint Floating EyePFML\tPrint Four Million LinesPG\tPrint GarbagePHO\tPull Hair OutPI\tPunch InvalidPIBM\tPretend to be an IBMPIC\tPrint Illegible CharactersPIC\tPrint Invalid CharacterPIC\tPunch Invalid CharacterPLSC\tPerform Light Show on ConsolePNIH\tPlace Needle In HaystackPNRP\tPrint Nasty Replies to ProgrammerPO\tPunch OperatorPOCL\tPunch Out Console LightsPOG\tPrint Only GreekPOP\tPop Or PushPOPI\tPunch OPerator ImmediatePOPN\tPunch OPerator's NosePPA\tPrint Paper AirplanesPPC\tPurge Pascal Compiler [HP 3000]PPL\tPerform Perpetual LoopPPP\tPrint Programmer's PicturePPR\tPlay Punk RockPPSW\tPack Program Status WordPPSW\tPack Progran Status WordPRS\tPRint and SmearPSP\tPrint and Shred PaperPSR\tPrint and Shred RibbonPTP\tProduce Toilet PaperPUO\tPerform Unknown OperationPVLC\tPunch Variable Length CardPWP\tPrint Without PaperPWS\tcreate PoWer SurgePYS\tProgram YourSelfQBDH\tQuit and Become a DeadHeadQWYA\tQuit While Your AheadRA\tRandomize AnswerRAM\tRandomly Access MemoryRAM\tRead Ambiguous MemoryRAN\tRANdom opcode [similar to 16-bit what gate]RASC\tRead And Shred CardRAST\tRead And Shred TapeRAU\tRidicule All UsersRBAO\tRing Bell and Annoy OperatorRBLY\tRestore Back-up from Last YearRBT\tRead Blank TapeRBT\tRewind and Break TapeRC\tRewind CoreRCAJ\tRead Card And JamRCB\tRead Command BackwardsRCB\tRun Clock BackwardsRCC\tRead Card and ChewRCCP\tRandomly Corrupt Current ProcessRCF\tRewind Cabinet FansRCKG\tRead Count Key and GarbageRCL\tRotate Carry LeftRCP\tReschedule Car PaymentsRCR\tRewind Card ReaderRCRV\tRandomly Convert to Reverse VideoRCS\tRead Card and Scramble dataRCSD\tRead Card and Scramble DataRD\tRandomize DataRD\tReverse DirectionsRDA\tRefuse to Disclose AnswerRDB\tReplace Database with BlanksRDB\tRun Disk BackwardsRDD\tReverse Disk DriveRDDBF\tRock Disk Drive Back and ForthRDEB\tRead and Drop Even number of BitsRDF\tRandomize Directory FilenamesRDI\tReverse Drum ImmediateRDI\tReverse Drun ImmediateRDI\tRewind Disk ImmediateRDR\tReverse Disk RotationRDS\tReaD SidewaysRENVR\tREName Variables RandomlyRET\tRead and Erase TapeRF\tRead FingerprintsRG\tRecord GarbageRHNEZ\tRandomize and Halt if Not Equal to ZeroRHO\tRandomize and Hold all OutputRIC\tRotate Illogical thru CarryRID\tRead Invalid DataRIG\tRead Inter-record GapRIOP\tRotate I/O PortsRIR\tRead Invalid RecordRIRG\tRead Inter-Record GapRJE\tReturn Jump and ExplodeRLC\tRelocate and Lose CoreRLC\tReread Last CardRLC\tRotate Left with CarolynRLI\tRotate Left IndefinitelyRLP\tRefill Light PenRLP\tRewind Line PrinterRM\tRuin My filesRMI\tRandomize Memory ImmediateRMM\tRead Manager's MindRMT\tReMove TrapRMV\tRemove Memory VirtuesRN\tRead NoiseRNBS\tReflect Next Bus SignalRNR\tRead Noise RecordROC\tRandomize Op CodesROC\tRotate Outward from CenterROD\tROtate DiagonallyROM\tRead Operator's MindROO\tRub Out OperatorROOP\tRun Out Of PaperROPF\tRead Other People's FilesROS\tReject Operating SystemROS\tReturn On ShieldRP\tRead PrinterRPB\tRaise Parity BitsRPB\tRead Print and BlushRPB\tReverse Parity and BranchRPBR\tReverse Parity and BRanchRPC\tRotate Program CounterRPM\tRead Programmer's MindRPU\tRead character and Print UpsidedownRRC\tRotate Random thru CarryRRR\tRandomly Rotate RegisterRRR\tRead Record and Run awayRRR\tRead Record and Run-awayRRRL\tRandom Rotate Register LeftRRRR\tRandom Rotate Register RightRRSTC\tReturn on Ruby Slippers Triple-ClickRRT\tRecord and Rip TapeRS\tRandom SlewRSD\ton Read error Self-DestructRST\tRewind and Stretch TapeRSTOM\tRead from STore-Only MemoryRT\tReduce ThroughputRTP\tReduce ThroughPutRTS\tReturn To SenderRVAC\tReturn from VACationRWC\tReWind and Crash headsRWCR\tReWind Card ReaderRWD\tReWind DiskRWE\tRun Without ErrorRWF\tRead Wrong FileRWT\tRead/Write while stretching TapeSA\tStore AnywhereSAD\tSearch And DestroySAI\tSkip All InstructionsSAK\tSnooze At KeyboardSAS\tShow Appendix ScarSAS\tSit And SpinSBE\tSwap Bits ErraticallySBF\tSkip on Bitbucket FullSC\tScramble ChannelsSC\tShred CardsSCB\tSpindle Card and BelchSCCA\tShort Circuit on Correct AnswerSCD\tShuffle and Cut DecSCH\tSlit Cards HorizontalSCI\tShred Cards ImmediateSCM\tSet for Crash ModeSCOM\tSet Cobol-Only ModeSCP\tSCatter PrinterSCRRC\tSCRamble Register ContentsSCST\tSwitch Channel to Star TrekSCTR\tStick Card To ReaderSD\tScramble DirectorySD\tSlip DiskSDC\tSpool Disk to ConsoleSDD\tSeek and Destroy DataSDD\tSpin Disk DrySDDB\tSnap Disk Drive BeltSDE\tSolve Differential EquationsSDI\tSelf Destruct ImmediateSDM\tSearch and Destroy MemorySDR\tSlam Down Rondo [worst soda ever made]SEB\tStop Eating and BurpSEOB\tSet Every Other BitSESUR\tSing Elvis Songs Until he ReturnsSEX\tSet EXecution registerSEX\tSign EXtendSFH\tSet Flags to Half-mastSFP\tSend For PizzaSFR\tSend For ReinforcementsSFT\tStall For TimeSFTT\tStrip Form Tractor TeethSHAB\tSHift A BitSHABM\tSHift A Bit MoreSHB\tStop and Hang BusSHCD\tSHuffle Card DeckSHON\tSimulate HONeywell CPU [permanent no-op]SHR\tSHift RandomSHRC\tSHRed CardSHRT\tSHRed TapeSID\tSwitch to Infinite DensitySIP\tStore Indefinite PrecisionSJV\tScramble Jump VectorsSLP\tSharpen Light PenSMC\tScramble Memory ContentsSMD\tSpontaneous Memory DumpSMR\tSkip on Meaningless ResultSMS\tShred Mylar SurfaceSNARF\tSystem Normalize And Reset FlagsSNM\tShow No MercySNO\tSend Nukes on OverflowSOAWP\tSOlve All the World'd ProblemsSOB\tStew On BrewSOD\tSurrender Or DieSOL\tShift On LowSOP\tStop and Order PizzaSOS\tSign Off, StupidSOT\tSit On a TackSP\tScatter PrintSPA\tSliding Point ArithmeticSPB\tSimulate Peanut ButterSPD\tSPin DiskSPS\tSet Panel SwitchesSPSW\tScramble Program Status WordSQPWYC\tSit Quietly and Play With Your CrayonsSRBO\tSet Random Bits to OnesSRBZ\tSet Random Bits to ZeroesSRC\tSelect Random ChannelSRC\tSelect Reader and Chew cardsSRCC\tSelect Reader and Chew CardsSRD\tSwitch to Random DensitySRDR\tShift Right Double RidiculousSRO\tSort with Random OrderingSROS\tStore in Read-Only StorageSRR\tShift Registers RandomSRSD\tSeek Record and Scar DiskSRSD\tSeek Record and Scratch DiskSRTC\tStop Real-Time ClockSRU\tSignoff Random UserSRZ\tSubtract and Reset to ZeroSSB\tScramble Status ByteSSD\tScratch System DiskSSD\tStacker Select DiskSSD\tStop and Scratch Disk [3815]SSJ\tSelect Stacker and JamSSJP\tSelect Stacker and JumPSSM\tSolve by Supernatural MeansSSM\tStacker Select MemorySSP\tSeek SPindleSSP\tSmoke and SParkSST\tSeek and Stretch TapeSSW\tScramble Status WordST\tSet and TestSTA\tSTore AnywhereSTC\tSlow To a CrawlSTD\tStop, Take DrugsSTM\tSTretch MagtapeSTM\tSkip on Third MondaySTO\tStrangle Tape OperatorSTPR\tSToP RainSTRIKE\tSTRIKE for more pay, better hours, etc. STROM\tSTore in Read-Only MemorySTTHB\tSet Terminal to Three Hundred BaudSUIQ\tSubtract User's IQSUME\tSUprise MESUP\tShred User PrintoutSUP\tSolve Unsolvable ProblemSUS\tStop Until SpringSUS\tSubtract Until SenselessSWAT\tSWAp TerminalsSWN\tSWap NibblesSWOS\tStore in Write-Only StorageSWS\tSort to Wrong SlotsSWT\tSelect Wrong TerminalSWU\tSelect Wrong UnitSWZN\tSkip Whether Zero or NotSZD\tSwitch to Zero DensityTAH\tTake A HikeTAI\tTrap Absurd InputsTARC\tTake Arithmetic Review CourseTBFTG\tTwo Burgers and Fries To GoTC\tTransmit ColorsTDB\tTransfer and Drop BitsTDRB\tTest and Destroy Random BitsTDS\tTrash Data SegmentTET\tTriple Execution Time [SUN]TLNF\tTeach me a Lesson i'll Never ForgetTLO\tTurn indicator Lights OffTLW\tTransfer and Lose WayTN\tTake a NapTOAC\tTurn Off Air ConditionerTOG\tTake Out GarbageTOG\tTime Out, GraduateTOH\tTake Operator HostageTOO\tTurn On/off OperatorTOP\tTrap OPeratorTOS\tTrash Operating SystemTOW\tTake Over WorldTPD\tTerminal Printer DestructTPD\tTotal Program DiagnosticTPD\tTriple Pack DecimalTPDH\tTell Programmer to Do it HimselfTPF\tTurn Power oFfTPN\tTurn Power oNTPO\tTurn Power OffTPR\tTear PapeRTR\tTurn into RubbishTRA\tTe Rdls Arvs [type ridiculous abbreviations]TRD\tTRansfer and Drop bitTSH\tTrap Secretary and HaltTSM\tTrap Secretary and MountTST\tTrash System TracksTT%CN\tTeleType \\(em Clunk NoiseTT%EKB\tTeleType \\(em Electrify KeyBoardTTA\tTry, Try AgainTTIHLIC\tTry To Imagine How Little I CareTTITT\tTurn 2400 foot Tape Into Two 1200 foot TapesTTL\tTap Trunk LineTTL\tTime To LogoffTYF\tTrust Your FeelingsUA\tUnload AccumulatorUAI\tUse Alternate Instruction setUAPA(AM)\tUse All Power Available (And More)UCB\tUncouple CPU and BranchUCIP\tUpdate Card In PlaceUCK\tUnlock Console KeyswitchUCLB\tUncouple Comm Lines and BranchUCM\tUncouple CoMm lines and branchUCPUB\tUncouple CPUs and BranchUDR\tUpdate and Delete RecordUER\tUpdate and Erase RecordUFO\tUnidentified Flag OperationULDA\tUnLoaD AccumulatorUMR\tUnlock Machine RoomUNPD\tUNPlug and DumpUOP\tUseless OPerationUP\tUnderstand Program[mer]UPA\tUse all Power AvailableUPC\tUnderstand Program[mer]'s CommentsUPI\tUndo Previous InstructionURB\tUpdate, Resume and BranchUTF\tUnwind Tape onto FloorUTF\tUse The ForceUUBR\tUse Undefined Base RegisterVAX\tViolate All eXecutionsVFE\tViolate Field EngineerVFO\tViolate Female OperatorVMA\tViolate Maintenance AgreementVNO\tViolate Noise OrdinanceVPA\tVanishing Point ArithmeticVVM\tVaporize Virtual MemoryWAD\tWalk Away in DisgustWAT\tWAste TimeWBB\tWrite to the Bit BucketWBT\tWater Binary TreeWC\tWaste CoreWCR\tWrite to Card ReaderWDR\tWarp disk DRiveWED\tWrite and Erase DataWEMG\tWrite Eighteen Minute GapWF\tWait ForeverWGPB\tWrite Garbage in Process-control BlockWHFO\tWait until Hell Freezes OverWHP\tWave Hands over ProgramWI\tWhy ImmediateWI\tWrite IllegiblyWID\tWrite Invalid DataWMC\tWrite Millions of CommentsWNAM\tWe Need A MiracleWNHR\tWrite New Hit RecordWNR\tWrite Noise RecordWP\tWrite PoopWPET\tWrite Past End of TapeWPM\tWrite Programmer's MindWSE\tWrite Stack EverywhereWSWW\tWork in Strange and Wondrous WaysWUPO\tWad Up Printer OutputWWLR\tWrite Wrong Length RecordWWR\tWrite Wrong RecordXXIO\teXecute Invalid OpcodeXXKF\teXecute Kermit the FrogXXM\teXclusive MaybeXXMB\teXclusive MayBeXXOH\teXecute no-Op and HangXXOR\teXecute OpeRatorXXOS\teXchange Operator's SexXXPR\teXecute PRogrammerXXPSW\teXecute Program Status WordXXSP\teXecute Systems ProgrammerXXVF\teXchange Virtue for FunYAB\tYet Another BugYASE\tYet Another Stupid ErrorZAP\tZero and Add PackedZAR\tZero Any RegisterZD\tZap DirectoryZEOW\tZero Every Other WordZPI\tZaP Immediate
|MICROSOFT Bids to Acquire Catholic ChurchVATICAN CITY (AP) -- In a joint press conference in St. Peter's Square this morning, MICROSOFT Corp. and the Vatican announced that the Redmond software giant will acquire the Roman Catholic Church in exchange for an unspecified number of shares of MICROSOFT common stock. If the deal goes through, it will be the first time a computer software company has acquired a major world religion. With the acquisition, Pope John Paul II will become the senior vice-president of the combined company's new Religious Software Division, while MICROSOFT senior vice-presidents Michael Maples and Steven Ballmer will be invested in the College of Cardinals, said MICROSOFT Chairman Bill Gates. "We expect a lot of growth in the religious market in the next five to ten years," said Gates. "The combined resources of MICROSOFT and the Catholic Church will allow us to make religion easier and more fun for a broader range of people. "Through the MICROSOFT Network, the company's new on-line service, "we will make the sacraments available on-line for the first time" and revive the popular pre-Counter-Reformation practice of selling indulgences, said Gates. "You can get Communion, confess your sins, receive absolution -- even reduce your time in Purgatory -- all without leaving your home. " A new software application, MICROSOFT Church, will include a macro language which you can program to download heavenly graces automatically while you are away from your computer. An estimated 17,000 people attended the announcement in St Peter's Square, watching on a 60-foot screen as comedian Don Novello -- in character as Father Guido Sarducci -- hosted the event, which was broadcast by satellite to 700 sites worldwide. Pope John Paul II said little during the announcement. When Novello chided Gates, "Now I guess you get to wear one of these pointy hats," the crowd roared, but the pontiff's smile seemed strained. The deal grants MICROSOFT exclusive electronic rights to the Bible and the Vatican's prized art collection, which includes works by such masters as Michelangelo and Da Vinci. But critics say MICROSOFT will face stiff challenges if it attempts to limit competitors' access to these key intellectual properties. "The Jewish people invented the look and feel of the holy scriptures," said Rabbi David Gottschalk of Philadelphia. "You take the parting of the Red Sea -- we had that thousands of years before the Catholics came on the scene. "But others argue that the Catholic and Jewish faiths both draw on a common Abrahamic heritage. "The Catholic Church has just been more successful in marketing it to a larger audience," notes Notre Dame theologian Father Kenneth Madigan. Over the last 2,000 years, the Catholic Church's market share has increased dramatically, while Judaism, which was the first to offer many of the concepts now touted by Christianity, lags behind. Historically, the Church has a reputation as an aggressive competitor, leading crusades to pressure people to upgrade to Catholicism, and entering into exclusive licensing arrangements in various kingdoms whereby all subjects were instilled with Catholicism, whether or not they planned to use it. Today Christianity is available from several denominations, but the Catholic version is still the most widely used. The Church's mission is to reach "the four corners of the earth," echoing MICROSOFT's vision of "a computer on every desktop and in every home". Gates described MICROSOFT's long-term strategy to develop a scalable religious architecture that will support all religions through emulation. A single core religion will be offered with a choice of interfaces according to the religion desired -- "One religion, a couple of different implementations," said Gates. The MICROSOFT move could spark a wave of mergers and acquisitions, according to Herb Peters, a spokesman for the U. S. Southern Baptist Conference, as other churches scramble to strengthen their position in the increasingly competitive religious market.
|The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny. Apple Corporation Sues Itself. [AP] In a move that has industrial analysts scratching their heads, Apple Computers has filed suit against Apple Computers Corporation. The company claims that Apple has violated the Look and Feel of their own machines which has helped to make the company famous. An Apple Spokesperson stated "This is no joke. If we don't protect our copyrighted interface, everyone will use it and we could lose the exclusive right. So it is in our best interests to sue anyone who uses the Macintosh Look and Feel, including ourselves. " The spokesperson says Apple has retained the prestigious LA law firm of Kukla, Fran and Ollie to spearhead the lawsuit. Apple's in house lawyers will defend. Long time Apple observer Ernest Dinklefwat stated that this is a sure sign that Apple has too many lawyers and not enough engineers. "In the old days Apple depended on its talented engineers to keep ahead of the competition, but now they have lost the edge, as well as their grasp on reality. "The industry will be sure to watch this case closely. If Apple wins the suit against itself, this could mean a massive recall of all Macintosh and Lisa computers which will need to be converted to avoid all graphics and desktop metaphors and instead provide a simple terminal-like interface. Such a move would cause a massive digression in the personal computer market. Users of computers would be forced to learn to read, which could cause dangerous literacy among college students and professionals.
|NORTH POLE (API) - MICROSOFT announced an agreement with Santa Claus Industries to acquire Christmas at a press conference held via satellite from Santa's summer estate somewhere in the southern hemisphere. In the deal, Microsoft would gain exclusive rights to Christmas, Reindeer, and other unspecified inventions. In addition, Microsoft will gain access to millions of households through the Santa Sleigh. The announcement also included a notice that beginning Dec 9, 1998, Christmas and the Reindeer names would be copyrighted by Microsoft. This unprecedented move was facilitated by the recently acquired MS Court. Microsoft stated its commitment to "all who have made Christmas great," and vowed to "make licensing of the Christmas and Reindeer names available to all. " It is believed that the guidelines for licensing these names, due before Halloween, will be very strict. When asked "Why buy Christmas? " Bill Gates replied "Microsoft has been working on a more efficient delivery mechanism for all of our products for some time, but recognized that the Santa Sleigh has some immediate benefits. We'll use it first for the next release of Windows and Office 98. "In a multimedia extravaganza, the attendees were shown a seemingly endless video stream of products that make up the deal. It ended with a green and red version of the Microsoft logo, and a new Christmas 98 trademark, leading into the announcement of the first product from the deal. Vixen, the new Director of Holidays and Celebrations said, "The first step is to assimilate Christmas within the Microsoft Organization. This will take some time, so don't expect any changes this year. " She continued, "our big plans are for next year, when we release Christmas 99. It will be bigger and better than last year. " She further elaborated that "Windows 95 users who sign up with MS Network will get sneak previews of Christmas[99] as early as November first. " Christmas 98 is scheduled for release in December of 1998, though one unnamed source said that it is dangerously close to the end of the year and may slip into the first half of 1999. An economist at Goldman Sachs explained that a slip would be catastrophic to next year's economy and the nation's tax revenue, possibly requiring the IRS to move the deadline for filing income tax returns to three months after Christmas, whenever that was. "But it could be good in the long term," he explained. "With Microsoft controlling Christmas, we may see it move to May or June, which are much slower months for retailers. This may serve to even out the economy over the year. " When asked if other holidays are being considered, Mr. Gates explained that "Christmas is the flagship of holidays, so we wanted to start there. Not all holidays are available for sale, and the remaining will have to show a good long-term business," suggesting that holidays with a short history may not be in the plans. Though specific terms of the agreement were withheld, a Santa official confirmed that the deal was "sizeable, even for a man of Santa's stature. " Some analysts think that Santa has saturated the Holiday market, and is looking for a means to expand his business to year 'round products and services. Others contend that the Jolly Red Man is looking to retire in Redmond. A spokesperson for the most famous Reindeer could not be reached for comment.
The Dean of Women at an exclusive girls' school was lecturing her students on sexual morality. "We live today in very difficult times for young people. In moments of temptation," she said, "ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame? " A young woman rose in the back of the room and said, "Excuse me, but how do you make it last an hour? "
These are supposedly actual signs that have been found in and around parts of England. Seen at the side of a Sussex road: SLOW CATTLE CROSSING. NO OVERTAKING FOR THE NEXT 100 YRS. Outside a disco: SMARTS IS THE MOST EXCLUSIVE DISCO IN TOWN. EVERYONE WELCOME Sign warning of quicksand: QUICKSAND. ANY PERSON PASSING THIS POINT WILL BE DROWNED. BY ORDER OF THE DISTRICT COUNCIL. Notice sent to residents of a Whiltshire parish: DUE TO INCREASING PROBLEMS WITH LETTER LOUTS AND VANDALS WE MUST ASK ANYONE WITH RELATIVES BURIED IN THE GRAVEYARD TO DO THEIR BEST TO KEEP THEM IN ORDER Notice in a dry cleaner's window: ANYONE LEAVING THEIR GARMENTS HERE FOR MORE THAN 30 DAYS WILL BE DISPOSED OF. Sign on motorway garage: PLEASE DO NOT SMOKE NEAR OUR PETROL PUMPS. YOUR LIFE MAY NOT BE WORTH MUCH BUT OUR PETROL IS. Notice in health food shop window: CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS
I hear you are being accepted into an exclusive club because they need someone to snub. I heard you went to have your head examined, but the doctors found nothing there. Don't get me wrong. I`m not trying to make a monkey out of you. I can`t take the credit. This is no battle of wits between you and me. I never pick on an unarmed man. Look, don't go to a mind reader go to a palmist I know you've got a palm. Hey! I know what sign you were born under! RED LIGHT DISTRICT! I hear you were born on a farm. Any more in the litter? We think of you when we are lonely. Then we are content to be alone. Hey, how come even though you are still alive your parents are in mourning for you? I'd like to break the monotony where's your weakest point? The next time you shave, could you stand a little closer to the razor? I hear you are an officer. Your rank is -- just plain rank! You say you are a West Pointer, but you look like an Irish Setter. You are so fat that I hear you were arrested three times for jay-walking when all the time you were just standing on the corner waiting for the light to change. Whatever anyone says to you goes in one ear and out the other because nothing is blocking traffic.
The Shoplifter. . . A shoplifter was caught red-handed trying to steal a watch from an exclusive jewelry store. "Listen," said the shoplifter, "I know you don't want any trouble either. What do you say I just buy the watch and we forget about this? "The manager agreed and wrote up the sales slip. The crook looked at the slip and said, "This is a little more than I intended to spend. Can you show me something less expensive? "
Bob joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he takes off his clothes and starts wandering around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by him and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him grinning sweetly and says: "Sir, did you call for me? " Bob replies: "No, what do you mean? " She says: "You must be new here; let me explain. It's a rule here that if I give you an erection, it implies you called for me. " Smiling, she then leads him to the side of a pool, lays down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her. Bob continues exploring the facilities. He enters a sauna, sits down, and farts. Within a few seconds a huge, horribly corpulent, hairy man with a firm erection lumbers out of the steam towards him. The Huge Man says: "Sir, did you call for me? " Bob replies: "No, what do you mean? " The Huge Man: "You must be new here; it is a rule that when you fart, it implies you called for me. " The huge man then easily spins Bob around, bends him over the bench and has his way with him. Bob rushes back to the colony office. He is greeted by the smiling naked receptionist: "May I help you? " Bob says: "Here is your card and key back. You can keep the $500 joining fee. " Receptionist: "But Sir, you've only been here a couple of hours; you only saw a small fraction of our facilities. . . . . "Bob replies: "Listen lady, I am 58 years old, I get a hard-on twice a month, but I fart 15 times a day!
VATICAN CITY (AP) -- In a joint press conference in St. Peter's Square this morning, MICROSOFT Corp. and the Vatican announced that the Redmond software giant will acquire the Roman Catholic Church in exchange for an unspecified number of shares of MICROSOFT common stock. If the deal goes through, it will be the first time a computer software company has acquired a major world religion. With the acquisition, Pope John Paul II will become the senior vice-president of the combined company's new Religious Software Division, while MICROSOFT senior vice-presidents Michael Maples and Steven Ballmer will be invested in the College of Cardinals, said MICROSOFT Chairman Bill Gates. "We expect a lot of growth in the religious market in the next five to ten years," said Gates. "The combined resources of MICROSOFT and the Catholic Church will allow us to make religion easier and more fun for a broader range of people. "Through the MICROSOFT Network, the company's new on-line service, "we will make the sacraments available on-line for the first time" and revive the popular pre-Counter-Reformation practice of selling indulgences, said Gates. "You can get Communion, confess your sins, receive absolution -- even reduce your time in Purgatory -- all without leaving your home. "A new software application, MICROSOFT Church, will include a macro language which you can program to download heavenly graces automatically while you are away from your computer. An estimated 17,000 people attended the announcement in St Peter's Square, watching on a 60-foot screen as comedian Don Novello -- in character as Father Guido Sarducci -- hosted the event, which was broadcast by satellite to 700 sites worldwide. Pope John Paul II said little during the announcement. When Novello chided Gates, "Now I guess you get to wear one of these pointy hats," the crowd roared, but the pontiff's smile seemed strained. The deal grants MICROSOFT exclusive electronic rights to the Bible and the Vatican's prized art collection, which includes works by such masters as Michelangelo and Da Vinci. But critics say MICROSOFT will face stiff challenges if it attempts to limit competitors' access to these key intellectual properties. "The Jewish people invented the look and feel of the holy scriptures," said Rabbi David Gottschalk of Philadelphia. "You take the parting of the Red Sea -- we had that thousands of years before the Catholics came on the scene. "But others argue that the Catholic and Jewish faiths both draw on a common Abrahamic heritage. "The Catholic Church has just been more successful in marketing it to a larger audience," notes Notre Dame theologian Father Kenneth Madigan. Over the last 2,000 years, the Catholic Church's market share has increased dramatically, while Judaism, which was the first to offer many of the concepts now touted by Christianity, lags behind. Historically, the Church has a reputation as an aggressive competitor, leading crusades to pressure people to upgrade to Catholicism, and entering into exclusive licensing arrangements in various kingdoms whereby all subjects were instilled with Catholicism, whether or not they planned to use it. Today Christianity is available from several denominations, but the Catholic version is still the most widely used. The Church's mission is to reach "the four corners of the earth," echoing MICROSOFT's vision of "a computer on every desktop and in every home". Gates described MICROSOFT's long-term strategy to develop a scalable religious architecture that will support all religions through emulation. A single core religion will be offered with a choice of interfaces according to the religion desired -- "One religion, a couple of different implementations," said Gates. The MICROSOFT move could spark a wave of mergers and acquisitions, according to Herb Peters, a spokesman for the U. S. Southern Baptist Conference, as other churches scramble to strengthen their position in the increasingly competitive religious market.
Ever since man crawled out of the primordial ooze, he has built himself structures to contain the processes of bodily waste removal. These have been known as "restrooms," "bathrooms," "outhouses," "commodes," "men's rooms," and several other names. As with any exclusive organization, wholly half the human race aren't allowed through the door, and a number of exceedingly complicated customs have arisen to maintain a sense of order and dignity. General rules:1. Don't talk to somebody you don't know. You may chat quietly with an acquaintance, but must absolutely not call attention to yourself. 2. A quick glance in the mirror is permissible, but absolutely don't spend a significant time arranging hair, clothing, etc. Zit popping is only permissible after checking to see nobody else is around. 3. No profanity of any kind. This is reserved for locker rooms, only. 4. If you must wait, form a single-file line, ragged, and be sure to keep looking around. Read graffiti. Grafitti rules:5. All graffiti is anonymous. If there's any chance somebody can trace your graffiti back to you, don't do it. 6. Writing graffiti in the open section of the bathroom is only acceptable if nobody can see you. Writing in the stalls is similarly acceptable. 7. If the bathroom is sufficiently public, feel free to insult different ethnic/racial/sexual groups. If the bathroom is used by a small few, restraint comments to amusing anecdotes or chit-chat about secretaries. If visiting dignitaries from other companies or the government may tend to use the bathroom, graffiti is forbidden. 8. Traditionally, all pictures feature women in various states of undress. Modern standards often include portions of male anatomy, discretely placed. Homosexual graffiti is generally frowned upon but is gaining popularity. 9. Pictures must only be drawn in toilet stalls. 10. Any sufficiently interesting graffiti will be painted over by the management of the bathroom. Urinal rules:11. Given a string of unoccupied urinals, you must choose one on the outside. When one outside urinal is occupied, use the other side, then middle. Avoid standing directly next to somebody at all costs. For example, given seven urinals, here are acceptable configurations: X. . . . . . (X = occupied, . = empty) X. . . . . X X. . X. . X X. X. X. X XXX. X. X <-- These are only acceptable when significant XXX. XXX <-- "privacy" dividers are available. If the XXXXXXX <-- urinals aren't divided, use a toilet. 12. Always look at the wall. Looking down means you're obsessed or don't know what you're doing. Looking at other people is threatening. 13. Flushing is optional. Over time, the water will become a rich orange. At this point, flushing is mandatory. 14. Don't start unzipping until you're protected by the privacy of the urinal. Don't step back until you've closed your pants again. Toilet rules:15. Reduce noise at all costs. Grunting is not acceptable. 16. Always flush. 17. When you find an unflushed toilet, leave it alone and use another. Special cases:18. Some university dormitories have co-ed bathrooms. New rules apply for dealing with the females. a. Never, ever, comment on how they look in the morning. b. Don't ask what the little wastebasket is for. c. If urinals are present, only use them when absolutely no females are around. If you are noticed by a female, try your best to ignore her presence until you're dressed again. 19. Port-O-Let's and similar constructions are evil. Use them only if absolutely no other option is available. 20. In the woods, far from civilization, restrooms typically aren't available. Get behind sufficient growth so that you are completely invisible to the remainder of your party before you begin. Check carefully that you aren't near any sort of animal or insect den. Ants are especially bad. If you forgot toilet paper, bring a leaf identifying guide. Poison oak makes a poor substitute.
A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course, lined with million dollar houses. On the third tee the husband said, "Honey be very careful when you drive the ball-don't knock out any windows. It'll cost us a fortune to fix. "The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed and said, "I told you to watch out for the houses! Alright let's go up there, apologize, and see how much that's going to cost. "They walked up, knocked on the door, and heard a voice say, "Come on in. " They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side on the foyer. A man on the couch said, "Are you the people that broke the window? ""Uh yeah. Sorry about that," the husband replied. "No, actually I want to thank you. I'm a genie that was trapped for a thousand years in that bottle. You've released me. I'm allowed to grant three wishes - I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself. ""OK great!" the husband said. "I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life. " No problem - it's the least I could do. And you, what do you want? " the genie said, looking at the wife. "I want a house in every country of the world," she said. "Consider it done. " the genie replied. "And what's your wish genie? ", the husband said. "Well, since I have been trapped in that bottle, I havn't had sex with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife. "The husband looks at the wife and said, "Well we did get a lot of money and all those houses, honey. I guess it would be alright. "The genie took the wife upstairs, and ravished her for two hours. After it was over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife and said, "How old is your husband, anyway? ""35. " she replied. "And he still believes in genies? ? ? That's amazing!"
NORTH POLE (API) - MICROSOFT announced an agreement with Santa Claus Industries to acquire Christmas at a press conference held via satellite from Santa's summer estate somewhere in the southern hemisphere. In the deal, Microsoft would gain exclusive rights to Christmas, Reindeer, and other unspecified inventions. In addition, Microsoft will gain access to millions of households through the Santa Sleigh. The announcement also included a notice that beginning Jan 1, 1997, Christmas and the Reindeer names would be copyrighted by Microsoft. This move was facilitated by the recently acquired MS Court. Microsoft stated its commitment to "all who have made Christmas great," and vowed to "make licensing of the Christmas and Reindeer names available to all. " It is believed that the guidelines for licensing these names, due before Halloween, will be very strict. When asked "Why buy Christmas? " Bill Gates replied "Microsoft has been working on a more efficient delivery mechanism for all of our products for some time, but recognized that the Santa Sleigh has some immediate benefits. We'll use it first for the release of Windows97 and Office97. "In a multimedia extravaganza, the attendees were shown a seemingly endless video stream of products that make up the deal. It ended with a green and red version of the Microsoft logo, and a new Christmas 96 trademark, leading into the announcement of the first product from the deal. Vixen, the new Director of Holidays and Celebrations said, "The first step is to assimilate Christmas within the Microsoft organization. This will take some time, so don't expect any changes this year. " She continued, "our big plans are for next year, when we release Christmas96. It will be bigger and better than last year. " She further elaborated that "Windows95 users who sign up with MS Network will get previews of Christmas 96 as early as November first. "Christmas 96 is scheduled for release in December of 1996, though one unnamed source said that it is dangerously close to the end of the year and may slip into the first half of1997. An economist at Goldman Sachs explained that a slip would be catastrophic to next year's economy and the nation's tax revenue, possibly requiring the IRS to move the deadline for filing income tax returns to three months after Christmas, whenever that was. "But it could be good in the long term," he explained. "With Microsoft controlling Christmas, we may see it move to May or June, which are much slower months for retailers. This may serve to even out the economy over the year. "When asked if other holidays are being considered, Mr. Gates explained that "Christmas is the flagship of holidays, so we wanted to start there. Not all holidays are available for sale, and the remaining will have to show a good long term business," suggesting that holidays with a short history may not be in the plans. Though specific terms of the agreement were withheld pending final FTC approval, a Santa official confirmed that the deal was "sizeable, even for a man of Santa's stature. " Some analysts think that Santa has saturated the Holiday market, and is looking for a means to expand his business to year 'round products and services. Others contend that the Jolly Red Man is looking to retire in Redmond. A spokesperson for the most famous Reindeer could not be reached for comment.
Golf GenieA couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course, lined with million dollar houses. On the third tee the husband said, "Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball don't knock out any windows. It'll cost us a fortune to fix. "The wife teed up and shacked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed and said, "I told you to watch out for the houses. Alright, let's go up there, apologize and see how much this is going to cost. "They walked up, knocked on the door, and heard a voice say, "Come on in. " They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer. A man on the couch said, "Are you the people that broke my window? ""Uh, yeah. Sorry about that. " the husband replied. "No, actually I want to thank you. I'm a genie that was trapped for a thousand years in that bottle. You've released me. I'm allowed to grant three wishes-I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself. ""OK, great!" the husband said. " I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life. " "No problem-it's the least I could do. And you, what do you want? " the genie said, looking at the wife. "I want a house in every country of the world," she said. "Consider it done. " the genie replied. "And what's your wish, genie? ", the husband said. "Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had sex with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife. "The husband looks at the wife and said, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses, honey. I guess I don't care. " The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours. After it was over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife, and said, "How old is your husband, anyway? " "35. " she replied. "And he still believes in genies? . . . . That's amazing!"