Voice Mail. Never answer your phone if you have voicemail. People don't call you just because they want to giveyou something for nothing - they call because they want YOUto do work for THEM. That's no way to live. Screen all yourcalls through voice mail. If somebody leaves a voice mailmessage for you and it sounds like impending work, respondduring lunch hour when you know they're not there - it lookslike you're hardworking and conscientious even though you'rebeing a devious weasel. If you diligently employ the methodof screening incoming calls and then returning calls whennobody is there, this will greatly increase the odds that thecaller will give up or look for a solution that doesn'tinvolve you. The sweetest voice mail message you can everhear is: "Ignore my last message. I took care of it". If yourvoice mailbox has a limit on the number of messages it canhold, make sure you reach that limit frequently. One way todo that is to never erase any incoming messages. If thattakes too long, send yourself a few messages. Your callerswill hear a recorded message that says, "Sorry, this mailboxis full" - a sure sign that you are a hardworking employee inhigh demand.
|Big Louie the Torpedo was becoming increasingly curious about one of the newer members of his mob, Benny the Rod. Benny had been in the business for many years in another part of the country. During that time he had garnered quite a reputation for being the most conscientious and honorable hit man available. He was also considered quite eccentric, perhaps odd, in that for the last ten years or so he always kept one hand in his pocket - clutching his cold steel weapon in readiness (hence the nickname, Benny the Rod). When Benny arrived at Louie's office, the question was put to him. "So what's the story with you and this here gun of yours, eh? Like, are you scared or somethin' or you just want to always be ready or what? ""Not scared . . . " Benny growled, "been doin' it dis way ever since me sister-in-law's weddin' 'bout ten ten years ago now". "Oh yeah? . . . so . . . ? ""Well, I used ta know her fiance at da time - a no good chisler. He never even loved the goil so much . . . but he made her happy and so I kept me mouth shut about it", Benny explained. Louie leaned in, expecting the point of the matter. "And since dat time I gotta do it dis way". "But WHY? !", Louie finally demanded? "Well, I was at da wedding", grumbled Benny, and I wasn't about to say nuttin' about it then, so now I gotta do like da preacher said . . . "Speak Now or Forever Hold Your Piece!"
|Dictionary of Evaluation Comments Some of you might like to know what the supervisor is really saying in all those glowing employee work performance evaluations s/he keeps cranking out. AVERAGE: Not too bright. EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED: Has committed no major blunders to date. ACTIVE SOCIALLY: Drinks heavily. ZEALOUS ATTITUDE: Opinionated. CHARACTER ABOVE REPROACH: Still one step ahead of the law. UNLIMITED POTENTIAL: Will stick with us until retirement. QUICK THINKING: Offers plausible excuses for errors. TAKES PRIDE IN WORK: Conceited. TAKES ADVANTAGE OF EVERY OPPERTUNITY TO PROGRESS: Buys drinks for superiors. INDIFFERENT TO INSTRUCTION: Knows more than superiors. STERN DISCIPLINARIAN: A real jerk. TACTFUL IN DEALING WITH SUPERIORS: Knows when to keep mouth shut. APPROACHES DIFFICULT PROBLEMS WITH LOGIC: Finds someone else to do the job. A KEEN ANALYST: Thoroughly confused. NOT A DESK PERSON: Did not go to college. EXPRESSES SELF WELL: Can string two sentences together. SPENDS EXTRA HOURS ON THE JOB: Miserable home life. CONSCIENTIOUS AND CAREFUL: Scared. METICULOUS IN ATTENTION TO DETAIL: A nitpicker. DEMONSTRATES QUALITIES OF LEADERSHIP: Has a loud voice. JUDGEMENT IS USUALLY SOUND: Lucky. MAINTAINS PROFESSIONAL ATTITUDE: A snob. KEEN SENSE OF HUMOR: Knows lots of dirty jokes. STRONG ADHERENCE TO PRINCIPLES: Stubborn. GETS ALONG EXTREMELY WELL WITH SUPERIORS AND SUBORDINATES ALIKE: A coward. SLIGHTLY BELOW AVERAGE: Stupid. OF GREAT VALUE TO THE ORGANIZATION: Turns in work on time. IS UNUSUALLY LOYAL: Wanted by no-one else. ALERT TO COMPANY DEVELOPMENTS: An office gossip. REQUIRES WORK-VALUE ATTITUDINAL READJUSTMENT: Lazy and hard-headed. HARD WORKER: Usually does it the hard way. ENJOYS JOB: Needs more to do. HAPPY: Paid too much. WELL ORGANIZED: Does too much busywork. COMPETENT: Is still able to get work done if supervisor helps. CONSULTS WITH SUPERVISOR OFTEN: Annoying. WILL GO FAR: Relative of management. SHOULD GO FAR: Please. USES TIME EFFECTIVELY: Clock watcher. VERY CREATIVE: Finds 22 reasons to do anything except original work. USES RESOURSES WELL: Delegates everything. DESERVES PROMOTION: Create new title to make h/h feel appreciated.
|A keen analyst: Thoroughly confused. Accepts new job assignments willingly: Never finishes a job. Active socially: Drinks heavily. Alert to company developments: An office gossip. Approaches difficult problems with logic: Finds someone else to do the job. Average: Not too bright. Bridge builder: Likes to compromise. Character above reproach: Still one step ahead of the law. Charismatic: No interest in any opinion but his own. Competent: Is still able to get work done if supervisor helps. Conscientious and careful: Scared. Consults with co-workers often: Indecisive, confused, and clueless. Consults with supervisor often: Very annoying. Delegates responsibility effectively: Passes the buck well. Demonstrates qualities of leadership: Has a loud voice. Displays excellent intuitive judgement: Knows when to disappear. Displays great dexterity and agility: Dodges and evades superiors well. Enjoys job: Needs more to do. Excels in sustaining concentration but avoids confrontations: Ignores everyone. Excels in the effective application of skills: Makes a good cup of coffee. Exceptionally well qualified: Has committed no major blunders to date. Expresses self well: Can string two sentences together. Gets along extremely well with superiors and subordinates alike: A coward. Happy: Paid too much. Hard worker: Usually does it the hard way. Identifies major management problems: Complains a lot. Indifferent to instruction: Knows more than superiors. Internationally know: Likes to go to conferences and trade shows in Las Vegas. Is well informed: Knows all office gossip and where all the skeletons are kept. Inspires the cooperation of others: Gets everyone else to do the work. Is unusually loyal: Wanted by no-one else. Judgement is usually sound: Lucky. Keen sense of humor: Knows lots of dirty jokes. Keeps informed on business issues: Subscribes to Playboy and National Enquirer. Listens well: Has no ideas of his own. Maintains a high degree of participation: Comes to work on time. Maintains professional attitude: A snob. Meticulous in attention to detail: A nitpicker. Mover and shaker: Favors steamroller tactics without regard for other opinions. Not a desk person: Did not go to college. Of great value to the organization: Turns in work on time. Use all available resources: Takes office supplies home for personal use. Quick thinking: Offers plausible excuses for errors. Requires work-value attitudinal readjustment: Lazy and hard-headed. Should go far: Please. Slightly below average: Stupid. Spends extra hours on the job: Miserable home life. Stern disciplinarian: A real jerk. Straightforward: Blunt and insensitive. Strong adherence to principles: Stubborn. Tactful in dealing with superiors: Knows when to keep mouth shut. Takes advantage of every opportunity to progress: Buys drinks for superiors. Takes pride in work: Conceited. Unlimited potential: Will stick with us until retirement. Uses resources well: Delegates everything. Uses time effectively: Clock watcher. Very creative: Finds 22 reasons to do anything except original work. Visionary: Cannot handle paperwork or any project that lasts less than a week. Well organized: Does too much busywork. Will go far: Relative of management. Willing to take calculated risks: Doesn't mind spending someone else's money. Zealous attitude: Opinionated.
Some of you might like to know what the supervisor is really sayingin all those glowing employee work performance evaluations s/hekeeps cranking out. AVERAGE: Not too bright. EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED: Has committed no major blunders todate. ACTIVE SOCIALLY: Drinks heavily. ZEALOUS ATTITUDE: Opinionated. CHARACTER ABOVE REPROACH: Still one step ahead of the law. UNLIMITED POTENTIAL: Will stick with us until retirement. QUICK THINKING: Offers plausible excuses for errors. TAKES PRIDE IN WORK: Conceited. TAKES ADVANTAGE OF EVERY OPPERTUNITY TO PROGRESS: Buys drinks forsuperiors. INDIFFERENT TO INSTRUCTION: Knows more than superiors. STERN DISCIPLINARIAN: A real jerk. TACTFUL IN DEALING WITH SUPERIORS: Knows when to keep mouth shut. APPROACHES DIFFICULT PROBLEMS WITH LOGIC: Finds someone else to dothe job. A KEEN ANALYST: Thoroughly confused. NOT A DESK PERSON: Did not go to college. EXPRESSES SELF WELL: Can string two sentences together. SPENDS EXTRA HOURS ON THE JOB: Miserable home life. CONSCIENTIOUS AND CAREFUL: Scared. METICULOUS IN ATTENTION TO DETAIL: A nitpicker. DEMONSTRATES QUALITIES OF LEADERSHIP: Has a loud voice. JUDGEMENT IS USUALLY SOUND: Lucky. MAINTAINS PROFESSIONAL ATTITUDE: A snob. KEEN SENSE OF HUMOR: Knows lots of dirty jokes. STRONG ADHERENCE TO PRINCIPLES: Stubborn. GETS ALONG EXTREMELY WELL WITH SUPERIORS AND SUBORDINATES ALIKE: Acoward. SLIGHTLY BELOW AVERAGE: Stupid. OF GREAT VALUE TO THE ORGANIZATION: Turns in work on time. IS UNUSUALLY LOYAL: Wanted by no-one else. ALERT TO COMPANY DEVELOPMENTS: An office gossip. REQUIRES WORK-VALUE ATTITUDINAL READJUSTMENT: Lazy and hard-headed. HARD WORKER: Usually does it the hard way. ENJOYS JOB: Needs more to do. HAPPY: Paid too much. WELL ORGANIZED: Does too much busywork. COMPETENT: Is still able to get work done if supervisor helps. CONSULTS WITH SUPERVISOR OFTEN: Pain in the ass. WILL GO FAR: Relative of management. SHOULD GO FAR: Please. USES TIME EFFECTIVELY: Clock watcher. VERY CREATIVE: Finds 22 reasons to do anything except originalwork. USES RESOURSES WELL: Delegates everything. DESERVES PROMOTION: Create new title to make h/h feel appreciated.