10 things men know about women:-------------------------------1:2:3:4:5:6:7:8:9:10: They have tits
Appear to Work Late. Always leave the office late,especially when the boss is still around. You could readmagazines and storybooks that you always wanted to read buthave no time until late before leaving. Make sure you walkpast the boss' room on your way out. Send important emailsat unearthly hours (e. g. 9:35pm, 7:05am, etc. . . ) and duringpublic holidays.
Have you all stopped to think where you fit in this equation? From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this: What makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? Here? ¯s a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26Then:H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%But,A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%And,B-U-L-L-S-H-*-T21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%AND, look how far ass kissing will take you:A-S-S? ? K-I-S-S-I-N-G1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = a whopping 118%!!!!So one can then conclude with mathematical certainty that:While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close and Attitude willget you there, Bullsh*t and Ass Kissing will put you over the top!
Software Development Process1) Order the T-shirts for the Development team2) Announce availability3) Write the code4) Write the manual5) Hire a Product Manager6) Spec the software (writing the specs after the code helps to ensure that the software meets the specifications)7) Ship8) Test (the customers are a big help here)9) Identify bugs as potential enhancements10) Announce the upgrade program
Definition of Outdoor Barbecuing --------------------------------- It's the only type of cooking a "real" man will do. When a man volunteers to do such cooking, the following chain of events is put into motion. (1) The woman goes to the store. (2) The woman fixes the salad, vegetables, and dessert. (3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils, and takes it to the man, who is lounging beside the grill. (4) The man places the meat on the grill. (5) The woman goes inside to set the table and check the vegetables. (6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. (7) The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman. (8) The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table. (9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes. (10) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off. " And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.
The Perfect Day - Her 8:45 Wake up to hugs and kisses 9:00 5 lbs lighter on the scale 9:30 Light Breakfast 11:00 Sunbathe 12:30 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe 1:45 Shopping 2:30 Run into boyfriend's/husband's ex and notice she's gained 30 lbs 3:00 Facial, massage, nap 7:30 Candlelight dinner for two and dancing 10:00 Make love 11:30 Pillow talk in his big strong arms The Perfect Day - Him 6:45 Alarm. 7:00 Shower and massage. 7:30 Blowjob. 7:45 Massive dump while reading USA Today sports section. 8:15 Limo arrives, Stoli Bloody Marys. 8:30 Butler Aviation, O'Hare Field, Lear Jet to Augusta, Georgia. 9:30 Front nine holes, Augusta National Golf Club. 11:30 Lunch - 2 dozen oysters, 3 Heinekens. 12:30 Blowjob. 12:45 Back nine holes, Augusta National Golf Club. 2:30 Limo to Augusta Airport, Bombay Sapphire Martini. 3:30 Nassau, Bahamas, Afternoon fishing with all female crew (topless). Sex for each fish caught. Catch 1249 lb. Blue Marlin. Grilled tuna and steamed lobster appetizers, six Heinekens, nap. 6:15 Blowjob. 6:30 Lear Jet return flight, total body massage in transit. 7:30 Shit, shower, shave. 8:00 Watch CNN Live coverage of Bill Clinton's resignation. Hillary and Al Gore are indicted in the same scandal (which involves graphic pictures and large farm animals). 9:00 Dinner at Ritz Carlton, Oysters Casino, 20 oz. Filet mignons (rare), Gorgonzola salad, Fettucini Alfredo, Chateau Lafite Rothschild 1963 (magnum) creme brute, Louis XII Cognac, Cohiba Lancero 10:30 Sex with 3 women, all from different countries 11:30 Whirlpool, steam and massage. Women quietly get dressed, hail cab and leave. Midnight Blowjob Sleep
A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter. Fortunately, the butcher recognized the dog as belonging to aneighbour of his. The neighbour happened to be a lawyer. Incensedat the theft, the butcher called up his neighbour and said, "Hey,if your dog stole a roast from my butcher shop, would you be liablefor the cost of the meat? " The lawyer replied, "Of course, how muchwas the roast? " "$7. 98. " A few days later the butcher received acheck in the mail for $7. 98. Attached to it was an invoice that read:"Legal Consultation Service: $150. "
|10. Eight hour lunch, two dollar tip. 9. Ask, "Excuse me, are you a really bad singer, or a really bad actor? "8. After he describes each special, you shout, "Garbage!"7. Whenever he walks by, cough and mutter, "Minimum wage". 6. Every few seconds, yell, "More waffles, Cuomo!"5. Insist that before ordering, you be allowed to touch the London broil. 4. Tie tablecloth around neck and say, "You wouldn't charge Superman for dinner, would you? "3. Every time you eat or drink, cough really hard. 2. As he walks by to the kitchen, scream, "He's gonna spit in the chowder!"1. Three words: eat the check.
|Theorem: 1 = 1/2:Proof:We can re-write the infinite series 1/(1*3) + 1/(3*5) + 1/(5*7) + 1/(7*9)+. . . as 1/2((1/1 - 1/3) + (1/3 - 1/5) + (1/5 - 1/7) + (1/7 - 1/9) + . . . ). All terms after 1/1 cancel, so that the sum is 1/2. We can also re-write the series as (1/1 - 2/3) + (2/3 - 3/5) + (3/5 - 4/7)+ (4/7 - 5/9) + . . . All terms after 1/1 cancel, so that the sum is 1. Thus 1/2 = 1.
|Three old men are sitting on the porch of a retirement home. The first says, "Fellas, I got real problems. I'm seventy years old. Every morning at seven o'clock I get up and I try to urinate. All day long I try to urinate. They give me all kinds of medicine but nothing helps. " The second old man says, "You think you have problems. I'm eighty years old. Every morning at 8:00 I get up and try to move my bowels. I try all day long. They give me all kinds of stuff but nothing helps. " Finally the third old man speaks up, "Fellas: I'm ninety years old. Every morning at 7:00 sharp I urinate. Every morning at 8:00 I move my bowels. Every morning at 9:00 sharp I wake up. "
|On the 1st day of Christmas, my true love gave to me . . . Windows 95 for my PCOn the 2nd day of Christmas, my true love gave to me . . . 2 GPFsand Windows 95 for my PCOn the 3rd day of Christmas, my true love gave to me . . . 3 ports not responding2 GPFsand Windows 95 for my PCOn the 4th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me . . . 4 sectors bad3 ports not responding2 GPFsand Windows 95 for my PCOn the 5th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me . . . 5 eighty six4 sectors bad3 ports not responding2 GPFsand Windows 95 for my PCOn the 6th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me . . . 6 ints conflictin'5 eighty six4 sectors bad3 ports not responding2 GPFsand Windows 95 for my PCOn the 7th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me . . . 7 files missin'6 ints conflictin'5 eighty six4 sectors bad3 ports not responding2 GPFsand Windows 95 for my PCOn the 8th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me . . . 8 Megs overflowin'7 files missin'6 ints conflictin'5 eighty six4 sectors bad3 ports not responding2 GPFsand Windows 95 for my PCOn the 9th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me . . . 9 apps a crashin'8 megs overflowin'7 files missin'6 ints conflictin'5 eighty six4 sectors bad3 ports not responding2 GPFsand Windows 95 for my PCOn the 10th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me . . . 10 modes not supported9 apps a crashin'8 Megs overflowin'7 files missin'6 ints conflictin'5 eighty six4 sectors bad3 ports not responding2 GPFsand Windows 95 for my PCOn the 11th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me . . . 11 instructions faulty10 modes not supported9 apps a crashin'8 Megs overflowin'7 files missin'6 ints conflictin'5 eighty six4 sectors bad3 ports not responding2 GPFsand Windows 95 for my PCOn the 12th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me . . . 12 illegal operations11 instructions faulty10 modes not supported9 apps a crashin'8 Megs overflowin'7 files missin'6 ints conflictin'5 eighty six4 sectors bad3 ports not responding2 GPFsand Windows 95 for my PC
Chester and Earl are going hunting. Chester says to Earl, "I'll send my dog out to see if there are any ducks out in the pond. If there aren't any ducks out there, I'm not going hunting. " So he sends the dog out to the pond. The dog comes back and barks twice. Chester says, "Well I'm not going to go out. He only saw two ducks out there. " Earl says, "You're going to take the dog's barks for the truth? " Earl doesn't believe it, so he goes to look for himself. When he gets back he says, "I don't believe it where did you get that dog? There really are only two ducks out there!" Chester says, "Well, I got him from the breeder up the road. If you want, you can get one from him, too. " So Earl goes to the breeder and says he wants a dog like the one his friend Chester has. The breeder obliges and Earl brings the dog home, tells it to go out and look for ducks. Minutes later the dog returns with a stick in it's mouth and starts humping Earl's leg. Outraged, Earl takes the dog back to the breeder and says, "This dog is a fraud. I want my money back!" The breeder asks Earl what the dog did. So Earl tells him that when he sent the dog out to look for ducks, it came back with a stick in its mouth and started humping his leg. The breeder says, "Earl, all he was trying to tell you was that there are more fucking ducks out there than you can shake a stick at!"
An old man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying there a few minutes the old man farts and says,"Seven Points. "His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that? "The old man replied, "It's fart football!"A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says -"Touchdown, tie score!" After about five minutes the old man farts again and says -"Touchdown, I'm ahead 14 to 7!"Not to be out done the wife rips another one and says, -"Touchdown, tie score!"Five seconds go by and she lets out a squeaker and says -"Fieldgoal, I lead 17 to 14!" Now the pressures on and the old man refuses to get beat by a woman so he strains real hard but to no avail. Realizing a defeat is totally unacceptable he gives it everything he has but instead of farting he poops the bed. The wife looks and says, "What the heck was that? "The old man replied, "Half-time, Switch sides!"
1) Thou shall not sneak out when parents are sleeping. (why wait that long)2) Thou shall not do drugs. (alcohol lasts longer, not to mention being cheaper. )3) Thou shall not steal from K-Mart. (Walmart has a bigger selection)4) Thou shall not be arrested for vandalism. (destruction has a bigger effect, I can tell you all about this)5) Thou shall not steal from your parents. (everyone knows grandma has more money)6) Thou shall not get into fights. (Cat fight anyhow. . . just start them. )7) Thou shall not skip class. (just take the whole day off)8) Thou shall not strip in class. (Hooters pays more)9) Thou shall not think about having sex. (like Nike says, "just do it")10) Thou shall not help old ladies across the street. (just leave'm in the middle)
"Ways You Can Tell Your Pilot is on Drugs"10. All the in-flight meals are missing their dessert squares9. In between "May I" and "have your attention" there's a 45 minute pause. 8. He's constantly yelling, "Take that, Red Baron!"7. Shuttle from New York to Boston includes stopover in Colombia6. His co-pilot: Robert Downey Jr. 5. For the last hour, he's been riding the beverage cart like a rodeo cowboy. 4. Keeps coming on the P. A. to point out clouds that look like his old high school teachers. 3. His wings are pinned to his bare chest2. When you fly over international date line, he yells, "Dude! We're, like, time traveling!"1. When he exhales, the oxygen masks drop
How to Annoy People at Work1)Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inchpaper, 99 copies. 2)Practice making fax and modem noises. 3)Duringmeetings, disassemble your pen and "accidentaly" flip the cartridgeacross the room. 4)Staple papers in the middle of the page. 5)ALWAYSTYPE WITH CAPS-LOCK ON 6)type only in lower case. 7)dontuseanypunctuationorspaceseither 8)While making presentations,occasionally bob your head like a parakeet. 9)In the memo field ofall your checks, write "for sensual massage. " 10)Ask your co-workersmysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles. "
Top 10 signs Santa doesn't like your kid:10. Kid's letter to North Pole comes back stamped, "Dream on, Chester!"9. Kid asks for new bike, gets pack of smokes8. Along with presents, Santa leaves hefty bill for shipping and handling7. By the time he gets to your house, all he has left are styrofoam peanuts6. Christmas day, your kid wakes up with a reindeer head in his bed5. Instead of "naughty" or "nice," Santa has him on the "dork" list4. Sends him off on one of them Carnival cruises with Kathie Lee3. First words when kid gets on his lap are, "Touch my beard and I'll put the hurt on you!"2. Labels on all your kid's toys read "Straight from Craptown"1. Four words: "Off my lap, Tubby!"
Top Ten Least Popular Stephen King Novels10. "The Man Who Died of Old Age"9. "How Cujo Got His Groove Back"8. "Here's Another One I Cranked Out In An Afternoon"7. "Vacuumstarter"6. "The Scary Windowless Corridor Next To The Oval Office"5. "The Guy Who Accidentally Put Expired Milk In His Coffee --He Didn't Drink It, But What If He Did? "4. "The Scariest Part of This Book Is My Picture On The Back Cover"3. "Inside the Kitchen At Your Local T. G. I. Friday's"2. "Hi I'm Your New Neighbor, Richard Simmons"1. "Satan's Independent Prosecutor"
A woman goes into her lawyers office requesting a divorce. He istaking all of her background information and asks her, "Do you havegrounds for a divorce? "To which she replies, "Well, we have three acres. ""No, ma'am. What I mean is, does he beat you up? " asks the attorney. "No, I get up around 6:30 and he sleeps until 7:00," she responds. Feeling a little frustrated the attorney asks, "Lady, tell me, do youhave a grudge? "Looking very confident she states, "No, we have a carport. "At this point the lawyer has lost his patience and asks, "Look, Lady. Why the heck do you want a divorce? ""Because he can't hold an intelligent conversation!"
There were three elderly men sitting in wheelchairs on the porch one sunny afternoon. They were ten years apart in ages. One was 60, another 70 and the last 80 years old. The 60 yo, started complaining. He said "I wish I could just piss all at once and not dribble, dribble, dribble all day and night. "The 70 year old then said, "I don't have that problem. I just wish I could take one good dump and not ooze, ooze, oooze all day and night. The 80 year old started laughing at the other two. He said, "I don't have any of those problems!" "At 7:00 a. m. I take a good piss, at 9:00 a. m. I take a good shit. "My only problem is that. . . I don't wake up until noon!"