The PC Manifesto V3. 0 Featuring a PC Primer and Revised PC Lexicon by Saul Jerushalmy & Rens Zbignieuw X. (C) 1992 - All Rights Reserved ". . . In order to forge a cosmic accord of unprecedented unity and harmony, The Politically Correct Movement demands that all people, regardless of prior social preconditioning must accept the incipient world order that will offer unlimited bliss and contentment. Dammit. " - Prof. Dr. Skippy "Houng Lau" Whitmore Berkeley CA, 1965 ------------------------------------------------------------------------- PC PRIMER ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: WHAT IS P. C. ? PC stands for Politically Correct. We of the Politically Correct philosophy believe in increasing a tolerance for a DIVERSITY of cultures, race, gender, ideology and alternate lifestyles. Politically Correctness is the only social and morally acceptable outlook. Anyone who disagrees with this philosophy is bigoted, biased, sexist, and/or closed-minded. Q: WHY SHOULD I BE PC? Being PC is fun. PCism is not just an attitude, it is a way of life! PC offers the satisfaction of knowing that you are undoing the social evils of centuries of oppression. Q: I AM A WHITE MALE. CAN I STILL BE PC? Sure. As a matter of fact, most people at the forefront of the PC grand destiny ARE white males. But remember, as a white male, you must constantly feel guilty. Q: WHY? If you are a white male, your ancestors were responsible for practically every injustice in the world--slavery, war, genocide and plaid sportscoats. That means that YOU are partially responsible for these atrocities. Now it is time to balance the scales of justice for the descendants of those individuals whose ancestors your ancestors pushed down. Q: HOW? It's simple. You've got to be careful what you say, what you think, and what you do. You just don't want to offend anyone. Q: YOU MEAN I SHOULD GUARD AGAINST OFFENDING ANYONE? That's right. Being offensive is destructive, and will not make the world a harmonious utopia, like in John Lennon's IMAGINE. Q: HOW ELSE CAN I BE PC? Oh, there are lots of ways. For example, why buy regular ice cream when you can buy "Rain Forest Crunch? " Segrega. . whoops. . separate all of your garbage into different containers: glass, metal, white paper, blue paper, plastic, etc. Make sure that all your make-up has not been tested on animals. Try to find at least sixty ways to use your water; when you take a shower, brush your teeth at the same time. Then don't let the water go down the drain, use it to irrigate your lawn. Or better yet, replace your lawn with a vegetable garden. Don't use aerosol. And by all means, don't burn or deface our flag. Remember, as a citizen of the United States, your living in God's country. If you are fortunate enough to know your ethnic heritage, dress the part! Don't do drugs. You should listen to at least one of the following PC musicians: U2, REM, Sinead O'Connor, Sting, or k. d. Lang. Harass people who wear fur coats. Remind them that an innocent baby seal was mercilessly clubbed. Or just yell, "FUR. " They hate that. And don't EVER eat meat. Q: DON'T EAT MEAT? WHY NOT? ! Cows are animals, just like humans are animals. That means that they have rights. When you eat meat, you're oppressing animals! Q: SO ALL KILLING IS BAD? No, not always. Sometimes killing can be justified, like in the Persian Gulf. You have to be able to tell when an animal has rights, and when it doesn't. Q: HOW DO I KNOW WHEN AN ANIMAL HAS RIGHTS? The general rule is as follows: IF AN ANIMAL IS RARE, PRETTY, BIG, CUTE, FURRY, HUGGABLE, OR LOVABLE, THEN IT HAS RIGHTS. Examine the following chart: RIGHTS NO RIGHTS -------- ----------- cows cockroaches cute bunnies flies dolphins in tuna nets tuna in tuna nets whales sharks red squirrels gray squirrels owls loggers harbor seals barnacles Q: WOW. WHAT ELSE CAN I DO TO BE PC? Hug a tree. Rejoice each day in our cultural differences, for they are what gives flavor to our great country. Get in touch with your sexual identity. Check your refrigerator for freon leaks. Subscribe to National Geographic. Search it for neat non-Western cultural traditions and costumes. After you read it, use the paper as an alternative fuel source. Try to wear clothes with Xs on them if they're all natural fibers. Above all, ALWAYS question authority! Q: BUT WAIT, I THOUGHT- Don't worry, that's not important. Q: WELL, I'M NOT TOO SURE ABOUT THIS. If you are feeling unsure about your motivation, just remember. YOU ARE RIGHT. It's that simple. You, as a PC social warrior, are right. Q: HOW DO I KNOW IF AN ACTION IS UN-PC? Good question. It's important to know when someone is saying something insensitive so that you can have that person removed from society. The guideline is as follows: Is the confrontation between two white people? Yes - The liberal is right. No - The white person is oppressing the ethnic person. Remember, many seemingly obvious issues, such as the railroading of Mayor Marion Barry, or the Clarence Thomas issue, are really race issues. Here's a fun practice drill for you: See how many newspaper articles you can make into race bias stories. It's fun! Some PCers are so good they can make the weather report look like a KKK pamphlet! Q: WHAT SHOULD I DO IF I SEE SOMEONE DO SOMETHING NON-PC? It all depends on the situation. If you are not in a position of authority, by all means report this activity immediately to whomever is in charge. If your school leader, employer, or superior is hip to the trend of the 90s, she or he will take the necessary steps to have the insensitive offender disciplined. Q: BUT ISN'T THAT CENSORSHIP? The Constitution never meant for racism, sexism and insensitivity to be espoused by anyone. That's not what free speech is about. Some call it censorship. PCers call it "selective" speech. Saying something negative about a particular race or gender is just as damaging as, say, punching them in the face. We just can't allow that kind of verbal assault. Q: I'VE HEARD A LOT ABOUT PC WORDS TO REPLACE "BLACK," "INDIAN. " ETC. Yes. That's part of the PC movement. You see, part of the way we think about people comes directly from the words we use to describe them. Take "black" for instance. Why should a person be judged by the color of their skin? Q: YOU MEAN THEY SHOULD RATHER BE JUDGED BY THE CONTENT OF THEIRCHARACTER? No, I mean they should be judged by where their ancestors are from. If your great grandparents are from Africa, or Asia, or wherever, then you should be identified by that fact. You can even apply for special scholarships! Q: I'M A MIXTURE OF FRENCH, GERMAN, ENGLISH, AND RUSSIAN. CAN I GET ONE? No, there are no scholarships for any of those. Sorry. If you are a woman, however, there should be some. Q: HEY, WOULDN'T A WHITE PERSON FROM LIBYA OR EGYPT TECHNICALLY BE AN AFRICAN-AMERICAN? Technically, yes. But that's not the kind of African-American we mean. We mean BLACK African-Americans. Another example: A white South-African U. S. immigrant is not an African-American either. Q: HOW CAN I LEARN TO MAKE MY LANGUAGE MORE POLITICALLY CORRECT? For more help, see the PC LEXICON at the end of the handbook. Q: I'D LIKE MY CHILD TO BE PC. WHAT CAN I DO? Well, for one thing, we should forcibly encourage students to volunteer their time with philanthropies. Also, we should re-emphasize non-Western perspectives on history. Finally, we should re-structure tests and quizzes to reflect cultural biases. Q: I DON'T GET IT. Well, the way the system works now, "select" under-represented minorities who tend to do worse on entrance tests have lower standards of admissions at school and work and receive preferential treatment. This is unfair and wrong. Q: IT IS? Yes. The truly PC way to do it is to have a different grading scale for different groups which gives or subtracts points from the final score, depending on who is taking the test. If you are white, then you have been benefited by society during your life. That means that you lose ten to fifteen points to make the test fair to everyone else. Q: I GUESS THAT SOUNDS RIGHT. It IS right. That's the beauty of PC. Q: WHAT ELSE DO I HAVE TO BE CAREFUL OF? Humor. PC people take every comment VERY seriously. We will not accept any comment, joke, remark, or anything that sounds like it could be a racial or ethnic slur. Q: GIVE ME AN EXAMPLE. "What's black and white and red all over? " has been staple humor for decades. Not PC- It can be taken the wrong way. In every day speech, try to use phrases like, "Isn't that the pot calling the kettle African-American. " Any racial jokes or jokes even mentioning culture or gender should be omitted. True, this mostly limits comedy to the level of sitcoms, but that's a small price to pay for social equality. Q: IS THAT ALL THERE IS TO IT? Yes. The Politically Correct belief is essentially a recognition that people are diversely equal. We rejoice in this equality by treating people differently based on their equal individuality. Hop aboard the bandwagon. . . Be PC. Or you're an intolerant, racist, sexist insensitive pig. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- PC LEXICON ------------------------------------------------------------------------- "Insensitive Term" "Preferred Term" ------------------ ---------------- Black - African-American (NOTE: DOES NOT INCLUDE LIBYANS, EGYPTIANS, WHITE S-AFRICANS. DOES INCLUDE PEOPLE WITH DARK SKIN REGARDLESS OF WHERE THEY ARE FROM OR WHERE THEY LIVE. ) Oriental - Asian-American (NOTE: NOT CONSIDERED "REAL" MINORITIES SINCE THEY TEND TO DO WELL) Indian - Native-American Indigenous Peoples of N American Continent (NOTE: THE FOLLOWING TEAMS ARE NOT PC: Atlanta Braves Cleveland Indians Kansas City Chiefs Washington Redskins AVOID THESE CITIES!!! And never buy tickets from a "scalper"!) Chicano - Hispanic (NOTE: THE FOLLOWING ARE NOT PC: Cheech and Chong Chico and the Man episodes Cisco Kid Rosarita Salsa Speedy Gonzales BOYCOTT THEM!!) White Trash - PC Unaware Rustically Inclined WASP (white male) - Insensitive Cultural Oppressor (ICO) Sex - Gender (PCers don't like the word "sex" as it has confusing connotations) Woman - Womyn, Vaginal-American Girl - Pre-Womyn Housewife - Domestic Engineer Fireman - Firefighter Stewardess - Flight Attendant Meter Maid - Parking Enforcement Aduciator Post Man - Post Person Mail Man - Person Person Policeman (cop, pig) - Law Enforcement Officer Baton Boy Cal. Clubber Prostitute - Sex Surrogate (Teen Victim. See: Broken Home) MANkind, HuMAN, PerSON - Earth Children Handicapped - Differently Abled Handi-Capable (Blind - Optically Darker Photonically Non-receptive Deaf - Visually Oriented) Poor - Economically Unprepared Bum - Homeless Person Displaced Homeowner Philosophy Major Hunter - Animal Assassin Meat Mercenary Bambi Butcher Commercial Fisherman - Flipper Whipper Whaler - Blubber Lover Old Person / Elderly - Senior Citizens 4th-Dimentionally Extended Gerontologically Advanced Conservative - Right Wing Extremist Fascist Pig Drug Addict - Chemically Challenged Bald - Comb-Free Vegetable - Noble Unconscious Hero Bisexual - Sexually Non-preferential Midget, Dwarf - Little People Vertically Challenged Insane People - Selectively Perceptive Mental Explorers Tree-Hugger - Environmental Activist Logger - Wood Weasel Paper Pirate Treeslayer Obese/Fat - Differently Weighted - People of Mass - Gravitationally Challenged Corpse/Stiff/Etc. - Victim of GlosBiDS (Global Systematic Biological Dysfunction Syndrome) Far East - Asia Censorship - Selective Speech B. C. - B. C. E. Older Students - Non-Traditional New-Traditional Learning Disability - Self-Paced Cognitive Ability Used Books - Recycled Books Berkeley - Mecca Broken Home - Dysfunctional Family HouseBroken - Family Dysfunction Mercy Killing - Euthanasia Putting. . Down/to Sleep/Out of Misery Insult - Emotional Rape Cattle Ranch - Cattle Concentration Camp (CCC) "Moo-shwitz" Senile Bag o' Bones - Alzheimer's Victim Ghetto/Barrio - (EHA) Ethnically Homogeneous Area Pre-Integrated Pre-Nirvana Hamburger - Seared Mutilated Animal Flesh (SMAF) Cheeseburger - Adding Insult to Injury Gang - Youth Group Pimp-mobile, Low-rider - Culturally Responsive Transportation Option Drunk/Trashed - Spatially Perplexed Slum - (EOZ) Economic Oppression Zone China - Porcelain Delicatessen - Corpse Farm Charnel House SOCIALLY INTOLERABLE WORDS (SIWs) --------------------------------- These are some, but unfortunately not all, words that are used to describe people. Remember, there are much more eloquent PC ways to say the same thing (and mean the same thing) without offending any of Earth's Children. DO NOT USE THESE WORDS. (except when telling other people not to use them) IF YOU HEAR ANYONE USE THESE WORDS, REGARDLESS OF CONTEXT, RESPOND IMMEDIATELY: "Alky, Babe, Beaner, Belgian-Bastard, Betty, Bimbo, Bitch, Blonde, Broad, Bum, Canuck, Chick, Chink, Coolie, Coon, Commie, Crip, Dego, Dike, Dot-head, Druggie, Fag, Fairy, Four-Eyes, Fudgepacker, Greaser, Hebe, Hippie, Honky, Hooknose, Indian, Injun, Jap, JAP, Jesus-Freak, Kike, Kraut, Lez, Lush, Nazi, Nigger, Nudnick, Pinko, Pollock, Raghead, Redneck, Redskin, Retard, Ruskie, Sambo, Skirt, Spic, Spook, Tart, Toots, Uncle Tom, Wetback, Whore, White-Trash, Wop, Vegetable" READING THIS LIST MADE YOUR SKIN TINGLE WITH REVULSION, DIDN'T IT? IT BETTER HAVE. THE ABOVE ARE FULSOME TERMS. PC DOCTRINE STATES THAT ALL REFERENCES TO THESE WORDS BE DELETED FROM EXTANT PRINTED MATERIAL AND CONVERSATION.
"give me the bad news first. ""You've got AIDS. ""Oh, no! What could be worse than that? ""You've also got Alzheimer's Disease. ""Oh. Well, that's not so bad. At least I don't have AIDS. "
Guyness QuizTake This Scientific Quiz to Determine Your Guyness Quotient1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth. You decide to:a. Present it to the president of the United States. b. Present it to the secretary general of the United Nations. c. Take it apart. 2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you miss the most? a. Innocence. b. Idealism. c. Cherry bombs. 3. When is it okay to kiss another male? a. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard for narrow-minded social conventions. b. When he is the pope. (Not on the lips. )c. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only really sportsmanlike way to let him know that, for business reasons, you have to have him killed. 4. What about hugging another male? a. If he's your father and at least one of you has a fatal disease. b. If you're performing the Heimlich maneuver. (And even in this case, you should repeatedly shout: "I am just dislodging food trapped in this male's trachea! I am not in any way aroused!")c. If you're a professional baseball player and a teammate hits a home run to win the World Series, you may hug him provided that: (1) He is legally within the basepath, (2) Both of you are wearing protective cups, and (3) You also pound him fraternally with your fist hard enough to cause fractures. 5. Complete this sentence: A funeral is a good time to. . . a. . . . remember the deceased and console his loved ones. b. . . . reflect upon the fleeting transience of earthly life. c. . . . tell the joke about the guy who has Alzheimer's disease and cancer. 6. In your opinion, the ideal pet is:a. A cat. b. A dog. c. A dog that eats cats. 7. You have been seeing a woman for several years. She's attractive Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy -- you're watching a football game; she's reading the papers -- when she suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but she can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going. She says she's not asking whether you want to get married; only whether you believe that you have some kind of future together. What do you say? a. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you don't want to rush it. b. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you cannot honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting commitment, and you don't want to hurt her by holding out false hope. c. That you cannot believe the Jets called a draw play on third and seventeen. 8. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want to spend the rest of your life with her -- sharing the joys and the sorrows, the triumphs and the tragedies, and all the adventures and opportunities that the world has to offer, come what may. How do you tell her? a. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner. b. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name, and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing her hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her. c. Tell her what? 9. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to get your three children ready for school. Your first question to her is:a. "Do they need to eat or anything? "b. "They're in school already? "c. "There are three of them? "10. When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear? a. When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new holes so large that you're not sure which ones were originally intended for your legs. b. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules and has to be handled with tweezers. c. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy checks the garbage regularly in case somebody -- and we are not naming names, but this would be his wife -- is quietly trying to discard his underwear, which she is frankly jealous of, because the guy seems to have a more intimate relationship with it than with her. 11. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years before they finally got to the Promised Land? a. He was being tested. b. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they finally got there. c. He refused to ask directions. 12. What is the human race's single greatest achievement? a. Democracy. b. Religion. c. Remote control. How to Score: Give yourself one point for every time you picked answer"c. " A real guy would score at least 10 on this test. In fact, a realguy would score at least 15, because he would get the specialfive-point bonus for knowing the joke about the guy who has Alzheimer'sdisease and cancer.
THE STATE OF THE UNION ADDRESS. . . . THAT PRESIDENT CLINTON SHOULD HAVE GIVEN "Members of Congress. . . People of America. . . . I banged her. I banged her like a cheap gong. Which is not news, folks, because if you think Monica Lewinsky was the only skin flute player in my orchestra, you haven't been paying attention. The only babes in D. C. I haven't tried to do are the First Lady, Reno, Albright, and Shalala, mostly because they're a little older than I like and they have legs that former Houston Oiler Earl Campbell would envy, which isn't to say I don't appreciate Hillary. . . I do. If not for the ice-water coursing through her veins, I'd be pumping gas into farm equipment in Hope, Arkansas,and she'd be married to the President. So, let me set the record straight. I dodged the draft, hid FBI files, smoked dope, flipped Whitewater property, set up a new Korean wing in the White House, fired the travel staff, paid hush money to Hubbell, sold the Lincoln bedroom like an upscale Motel 6, and grabbed every ass that entered the Oval Office. Got it? Good. Six years ago there's not a man, woman, or child who didn't know I was as horny as Woody Allen. But, you elected me anyway, which turned out to be a good move on your part. Your other choice was Bush, an aging Baseball player and part-time resident of some place called "Kennebunkport" who thought he could bomb his way into the White House. Before him, it was Reagan, who left the office with the same Alzheimer's he came in with. There was Carter before him who brought you a 17% prime interest rate,smiling the whole time like his lithium drip just kicked in. Nixon before that coined, but never really understood, the concept of 'plausable deniability,' and almost got a one-way ticket to San Clemente for his crackerjack style of governing. Johnson was an inbred, power mad war criminal whose major contribution to American society was Agent Orange. And John Kennedy, who was a little naughty himself, didn't hang around long enough for America to spot that curious atavistic tic for "beaver wrestling" shared by at least a dozen former residents of the White House. Which brings me back to my point. Since I have been strumming the banjo here at the White House, government is doing more for less. The budget is balanced for the first time since JFK did a one gun salute to Marilyn, a fact the press didn't seem to care about, evidently. Unemployment is so low today a blind felon can get a job as a night watchman. And the stock market is higher than a D-student on a full gram of dumb dust, and anyone with a degree from a junior college who can spell 'internet' has enough money to ponder the annual maintenance cost of his boat, instead of where his or her next meal is coming from. Bottom line: I'm running a country here and I'm doing it with my pecker showing. What I'm asking for is your support, not a date with your daughter. . . unless, of course, she's a hotty with thin ankles, and then I'd like to discuss it. In the meantime, think about where you are today and what kind of life you're living before you get too interested in where I'm parking the Presidential Limousine. Thank you, good night, and God Bless America.
|I am always getting those return address labels from charities wanting money. The other day, I got one from an Alzheimer's group. Funny though, they forgot to put my street name on them!
|I've got good and badThis old man visits his doctor and after a thorough examination, the doctor tells him, "I have good news and bad news, what would you like to hear first? "Patient: Well, give me the bad news first. Doctor: You have cancer, I estimate that you have about two years left. Patient: That's terrible! In two years, my life will be over! What kind of good news could you probably tell me, after this? Doctor: You also have Alzheimer's. In about three months you are going to forget everything I told you.
|A man visits the doctor for a checkup, and after some tests, the doctor comes in with a grave look on his face. Doctor: Well, I have some bad news and some really bad news. Man: Well, give me the really bad news first. Doctor: You have cancer, and only 6 months to live. Man: And the bad news? Doctor: You have Alzheimer's disease. Man: That's great. I was afraid I had cancer!
|An economist is a trained professional paid to guess wrong about the economy. An econometrician is a trained professional paid to use computers to guess wrong about the economy. Talk is cheap. Supply exceeds Demand. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Bentley's second Law of Economics: The only thing more dangerous than an economist is an amateur economist! --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Berta's Fundamental Law of Economic Rents. . "The only thing more dangerous than an amateur economist is a professional economist. " --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Definition: Policy Analyst is someone unethical enough to be a lawyer, impractical enough to be a theologian, and pedantic enough to be an economist. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Three econometricians went out hunting, and came across a large deer. The first econometrician fired, but missed, by a meter to the left. The second econometrician fired, but also missed, by a meter to the right. The third econometrician didn't fire, but shouted in triumph, "We got it! We got it!" --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Q: How has French revolution affected world economic growth? A: Too early to say. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Q: What do economists and computers have in common? A: You need to punch information into both of them. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Q: Why does Treasury only have 10 minutes for morning tea? A: If they had any longer, they would need to re-train all the economists. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Q: Did you hear of the economist who dove into his swimming pool and broke his neck? A: He forgot to seasonally adjust his pool. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------NATURAL RATE OF UNEMPLOYMENT: Newlan's Truism: An "acceptable" level of unemployment means that the government economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Q: Why did the market economist cross the road? A: To reach the consensus forecast. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Q: What does an economist use when calculating constant-dollar estimates? A: Deflator mouse --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Q: How many Chicago School economists does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. If the light bulb needed changing the market would have already done it. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Q: How many mainstream economists does it take to change a light bulb? A: Two. One to assume the existence of ladder and one to change the bulb. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Q: How many neo-classical economists does it take to change a light bulb? A: It depends on the wage rate. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Q: How many conservative economists does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Q: How many B-school doctoral students does it take to change a light bulb? A: I'm writing my dissertation on that topic; I should have an answer for you in about five years. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Q: How many investors does it take to change a light bulb? A: None - the market has already discounted the change. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Q: How many Keynesian economists does it takes to change a light bulb? A: All. Because then you will generate employment, more consumption, dislocating the aggregate demand to the right. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Q: How many marxists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: None - the bulb contains within it the seeds of its own revolution. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------When drawing up the guest list for a dinner party, inviting more than 25% economists ruins the conversation. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Economics is the painful elaboration of the obvious. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Q: How many economists does it take to change a light bulb? A: Seven plus or minus ten. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Q: How many economists does it take to change a light bulb? A: Irrelevant - the light bulb's preferences are to be taken as given. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Q: What's the difference between an economist and a befuddled old man with Alzheimer's? A: The economist is the one with the calculator. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Q: What's the difference between economists and businessmen? A: The first don't keep their feet on the ground; the latest use to keep their four feet in the ground --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Given 1000 economists, there will be 10 theoretical economists with different theories on how to change the light bulb and 990 empirical economists laboring to determine which theory is the *correct* one, and everyone will still be in the dark. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Q: Why did God create economists? A: In order to make weather forecasters look good. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Q: What does an economist do? A: A lot in the short run, which amounts to nothing in the long run. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Two economists meet on the street. One inquires, "How's your wife? "The other responds, "Relative to what? "--------------------------------------------------------------------------------To an economist, real life is a special case. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Q: How many economists does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Eight. One to screw it in and seven to hold everything else constant. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Economists have forecasted nine out of the last five recessions. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------When an economist says the evidence is "mixed," he or she means that theory says one thing and data says the opposite. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Econometrics is the art of drawing a crooked line from an unproved assumption to a foregone conclusion. " --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Q: Why has astrology been invented? A: So that economy could be an accurate science.
|An old man visits his doctor and after thorough examination the doctor tells him: "I have good news and bad news, what would you like to hear first? "Patient: "Well, give me the bad news first. "Doctor: "You have cancer, I estimate that you have about two years left. "Patient: "OH NO! That's awefull! In two years my life will be over! What kind of good news could you probably tell me, after this? ? ? "Doctor: "You also have Alzheimer's. In about three months you are going to forget everything I told you. "
|The doctor tells his patient: "Well I have good news and bad news. . . " The patient says, "Lay it on me Doc. What's the bad news? " "You have Alzheimer's disease. " "Good heavens! What's the good news? " "You can go home and forget about it!"
An old man visits his doctor and after thorough examination the doctor tells him: "I have good news and bad news, what would you like to hear first? " Patient: "Well, give me the bad news first. " Doctor: "You have cancer, I estimate that you have about two years left. " Patient: "Oh no! That's awefull! In two years my life will be over! What kind of good news could you probably tell me, after this? ? " Doctor: "You also have Alzheimer's. In about three months you are going to forget everything I told you. "
The following were actually taken from classified ads in newspapers:Free Yorkshire Terrior. 8 years-old. Hateful little dog. ----------------------------------Free Puppies:1/2 Cocker Spaniel1/2 Sneaky Neighbor's Dog----------------------------------Free Puppies:Part German ShepherdPart Stupid Dog----------------------------------German Shepherd - 85lbs. Neutered. Speaks German. Free!----------------------------------1 Man, 7 Women hot tub -- $850/offer----------------------------------Amana Washer $100. Owned by clean bachelor who seldom washed. ----------------------------------Snow blower for sale. Only used on snowy days. ----------------------------------2 Wire mesh butchering gloves:1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, pair $15. ----------------------------------Tickle Me Elmo, Still in Box,Comes with its own1988 Mustang, 5L, AutoExcellent Condition, $6,800. ----------------------------------83 Toyota Hunchback -- $2,000----------------------------------Star Wars Job of the Hut -- $15----------------------------------Soft & Genital Bath Tissuesor Facial Tischue - $. 89----------------------------------Full-Sized Mattress20 Year WarrantyLike New! Slight urine smell. ----------------------------------FREE 1 Can of Pork & BeansWith Purchase of 3 BR / 2 BTH Home----------------------------------Nordic Track $300Hardly used. Call Chubbie. ----------------------------------Bill's Septic Cleaning"We Haul American Made Products"----------------------------------Shakespeare's Pizza - Free Chopsticks----------------------------------HUMMELS - Largest Selection Ever!"If it's in stock, we have it!"----------------------------------Get a Little John:The Traveling UrinalHolds 2 1/2 Bottles of Beer. ----------------------------------Harrisburg Postal Employees Gun Club----------------------------------Georgia PeachesCalifornia Grown - $. 89/lb. ----------------------------------Nice ParachuteNever Opened - Used OnceSlightly Stained----------------------------------American Flag60 Stars - Pole Included - $100----------------------------------Tired of Working for only $9. 75 per hour? We offer profit sharing and flexible hours. Starting Pay: $7-9 per hour. ----------------------------------Exercise EquipmentQueen Size Mattress & Box Springs - $175----------------------------------Our Sofa Seats the Whole Mob!And it's made of 100% Italian Leather. ----------------------------------Joining Nudist Colony!Must Sell Washer & Dryer - $300----------------------------------Lawyer Says Client is Not That Guilty. ----------------------------------Alzheimer's Center Preparesfor an Affair to Remember----------------------------------Gas Cloud Clears out Taco Bell----------------------------------Open House!Body Shapers Toning SalonFree Coffee & Donuts----------------------------------Kellogg's Pot Tarts - $1. 99/box. ----------------------------------Fully Cooked Boneless Smoked Mann $2. 09/lb. ----------------------------------FOR SALE BY OWNERComplete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes - Excellent condition. $1,000. 00 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows everything.
Q: What do you call a blonde golfer with an IQ of 125? A: A foursome. Q: What do you call a blonde in a black leather jacket? A. A rebel without a clue!Q: What do you call a blonde skeleton in the closet? A: Last year's hide and seek champ. Q: What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells? A: Pregnant. Q: What do you call a blonde with 90% of her intelligence gone? A: Divorced. Q: What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blonde's head? A: A space invader. Q: What do you call a really smart blonde? A: A golden retriever. Q: What does a blonde say during a porno? A: There I am!! Q: What does the postcard from a blonde's vacation say? A: Having a wonderful time. Where am I? Q: What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimer's disease? A: Her IQ goes up.
The following were actually taken from classified ads in newspapers:1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB -- $850/offerCOWS, CALVES NEVER BRED. . . ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE. FREE PUPPIES:PART COCKER SPANIEL -PART SNEAKY NEIGHBOR'S DOGGERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs. NEUTERED. SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE. FULL SIZED MATTRESS. 20 YR. WARRANTY. LIKE NEW. SLIGHT URINE SMELL. BILL'S SEPTIC CLEANING"WE HAUL AMERICAN MADE PRODUCTS"FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG. LOOKS LIKE A RAT. . . BEEN OUT AWHILE. . BETTER BE REWARD. GEORGIA PEACHES- CALIFORNIA GROWN -89 cents lb. JOINING NUDIST COLONY!MUST SELL WASHER & DRYER $300. COMMUNITY HEADLINE:ALZHEIMER'S CENTER PREPARESFOR AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER!GROUND BEAST: 99 cents lb.
Once upon a time there was an elderly gentleman who was suffering from Alzheimer's. His wife of 40 years loved him very much, but she couldn't handle him any longer. He would wander about never knowing where he was or sometimes even who he was. She took him to a nursing home. At the nursing home, while the wife was filling out paperwork, a nurse had the gentleman sit in a chair. Suddenly the man starting slowly leaning to his left. The nurse ran over and put a pillow on his left side to prop him up. A few minutes later, he started leaning to his right. Again, the nurse ran over and put a pillow on his right side. Then he starting leaning forward. This time, the nurse strapped him into the chair. About this time, his wife, having completed the paperwork, walked up to him and asked, "How do you like the place? ""It's okay," he said. "But, they won't let me fart!"
The Yoko Club? - Oh no. The German philosophy club? - I. Kant. The Ford-Nixon club? - Pardon me? The Arafat club? - Yessir. The Alzheimer's club? - Forget it. The Ebert movie club? - Roger. The Groucho Marx club? - You bet your life. The Peter Pan club? - Never. Never. The Japanese theater club? - Noh. The quarterback club? - I'll pass. The Rhett Butler club? - I don't give a damn. The compulsive rhymers club? - Okey-dokey. The Spanish optometrists club? - Si. The anti-perspirant club? - Sure. The pregnancy club? - Conceivably. The Procrastinator's Club? - Maybe next weekThe Self Esteem Builders? - They wouldn't accept me anywayThe Agoraphobics Society? - Only if they meet at my houseThe Co-Dependence Club? - Can I bring a friend? The Prayer Group? - God willing!
Insensitive Term---Preferred Term: ETHNICITYPC people do not recognize the term, "race," as validBlack- African-Canadian, (NOTE: DOES NOT INCLUDE: LIBYANS, EGYPTIANS, WHITE South AFRICANS. DOES INCLUDE: PEOPLE WITH DARK SKIN REGARDLESS OF WHERE THEY ARE FROM OR WHERE THEY LIVE. )Oriental- Asian-Canadian (Note: Not Considered "REAL" Minorities since they tend to do well)Indian- Native-Canadian (NOTE: The following terms are no PC: Atlanta Braves, Cleveland Indians, Kansas City Chiefs, Washington Redskins, (Avoid these cities!)Chicano -Hispanic (NOTE: THE FOLLOWING ARE NOT PC: Cheech and Chong, Chico and the Man episodes, Cisco Kid, Rosarita Salsa, Speedy Gonzales, AVOID! AVOID!)White Trash-PC Unaware, Rustically InclinedWASP (white male)-insensitive Cultural Oppressor (ICO)GENDER-(PC people don't like the word "sex" as it has confusing connotations) Woman- Womyn; Vaginal-CanadianGirl-Pre-WomynHousewife-Domestic EngineerFireman-FirefighterStewardess-Flight AttendantMeter Maid-Parking Enforcement AdjudicatorPost Man-Post Person Mail Man Person PersonPoliceman-Law Enforcement Officer; Baton Boy Cal. ClubberProstitute-Sex Surrogate (Teen Victim. See: Broken Home)Mankind/Human-Earth ChildrenHandicapped-Physically Challenged Differently Abled Handi-CapableBlind-Optically Darker Photonically Non-receptiveDeaf-Visually OrientedPoor-Economically UnpreparedBum-Homeless Person Displaced Homeowner Hunter-Animal Assassin Meat Mercenary Bambi ButcherWhaler-Blubber LoversOld Person /Elderly-4th-Dimentionally Extended Gerontologically AdvancedConservative-Right Wing Extremist Fascist PigDrug Addict-Chemically ChallengedBald-Comb-FreeBisexual-Sexually Non-preferentialMidget, Dwarf-Little People, Vertically ChallengedConvict-Socially SeparatedInsane People-Selectively Perceptive Mental ExplorersLearning Disability-Self-Paced Cognitive AbilityTree-Hugger-Environmental ActivistLogger-Wood Weasel, Paper Pirate, TreeslayerDead People-Dysfunctional Earth Children Biologically Challenged Metaphysically Challenged Broken Home-Dysfunctional FamilyHouseBroken-Family DysfunctionCattle Ranch-Cattle Concentration Camp (CCC) "Moo-shwitz"Senile Bag o'Bones-Alzheimer's VictimGhetto/Barrio-(EHA) Ethnically Homogenous AreaPre-Integrated Pre-NirvanaHamburger-Seared Mutilated Animal Flesh (SMAF)Cheeseburger-Adding Insult to InjuryCheating (in School)-Academic DishonestyUsed Books-Recycled BooksTrees-Oxygen Exchange UnitsGang-Youth GroupSlum-(EOZ) Economic Oppression ZoneObese- People of Mass Gravitationally ChallengedDelicatessen- Corpse Farm Charnel House
What's the best thing about having Alzheimer's Disease? 1: You can hide your own Easter eggs. 2: You are always meeting new people. 3: You never have to watch reruns on television.
This old man visits his doctor and after a thorough examination, the doctor tells him, "I have good news and bad news, what would you like to hear first? "Patient: Well, give me the bad news first. Doctor: You have cancer, I estimate that you have about two years left. Patient: OH NO! That's awful! In two years, my life will be over! What kind of good news could you probably tell me, after this? ? ? Doctor: You also have Alzheimer's. . . In three months you'll forget everything I told you.
This guy goes to the doctor for a checkup, and after some tests, the doctor comes in with a grave look on his face. Doctor: Well, I have some bad news and some really bad news. Guy: Well, give me the really bad news first. Doctor: You have cancer, and only 6 months to live. Guy: And the bad news? Doctor: You have Alzheimer's disease. Guy: Thank God. I was afraid I had cancer!