Three vampires walk into a bar and sit down. The first vampire says,"I'd like a pint of blood. " The second vampire says,"I'd like a pint of blood, too. " Then the third vampire says,"I'd like a pint a plasma. " Then the bartender says,"OK, so let me get this straight, you want two bloods and a blood light? "
(This joke requires the use a small visual. I'll describe the visualfirst, then as I tell the joke I'll cue you when to use it) Visual: Stretch your arms straight out sideways with hands alsostretched wide open. Joke: Why did the blonde want to date Jesus? She heard he was (usevisual) HUNG LIKE THIS!!!!
Little Johnny goes up to his mother and asks, "Is God male or female? "After thinking for a moment, his mother responds, "Well, honey, God isboth male and female. "This confuses Little Johnny, so he asks, "Is God black or white? ""Well, God is both black and white. "This further confuses him so he asks, "Is God gay or straight? "At this the mother is getting concerned, but answers nonetheless,"Honey, God is both gay and straight. "At this Little Johnny? s face lights up with understanding and he triumphantly asks, "Mom, is God Michael Jackson? "
The handsome American strode into a department store in Paris,France, and headed straight for the lingerie counter. He intentlystudied the array of lacy underthings and the sales lady bustledover to him. "Do you have something in mind? " she asked. "I certainly do, ma'am," the American emphatically replied. "That'swhy I want a nice gift. "
A trucker who has been out on the road for three weeks stopsinto a brothel outside Vegas. He walks straight up to theMadam, drops down $500 and says,"I want your ugliest woman and a bologna sandwich!!!"The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money youcould have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal. "The trucker replies, "Listen sweetheart, I ain't horny, I'mhomesick. "
Why is pubic hair curly? If it was straight, it would poke your eyes out.
A golfer hit his drive on the first hole 300 yardsright down the middle. When it came down, however, it hit a sprinkler andthe ball went sideways into the woods. He was angry,but he went into the woods and hit a very hard 2iron which hit a tree and bounced back straight athim. It hit him in the temple and killed him. He was at the Pearly Gates and St. Peter looked atthe big book and said, "I see you were a golfer, isthat correct? ""Yes, I am," he replied. St Peter then said, "Do you hit the ball a long way? "The golfer replied,"You bet. After all, I got here in 2, didn't I? "
A straight guy and a gay are in the men's room and the straight guy has his shirt unbuttoned exposing a heavy coat of chest hair. The gay asked how he came to have so much hair on his chest. He said, "I put Vaselineon it every night. " That night the gay put Vaseline on his chest and went to bed. His partner George said, "What in the hell is that? " "It's to grow hair. " he replied. "Bull shit!" said George. "If Vaseline grew hair. . . I'd have tail a mile long!
|A drunken man gets on the bus late one night, staggers up the aisle, and sits next to an elderly woman. She looks the man up and down and says, "I've got news for you. You're going straight to hell!"The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts, "Man, I'm on the wrong bus!"
|A man woke up in a hospital bed and called for his doctor. He asked, "Give it to me straight. How long have I got? " The physician replied that he doubted that the man would survive the night. The man then said, "Call for my lawyer. " When the lawyer arrived, the man asked for his physician to stand on one side of the bed, while the lawyer stood on the other. The man then laid back and closed his eyes. When he remained silent for several minutes, the physician asked what he had in mind. The man replied "Jesus died with a thief on either side. I just thought I'd check out the same way. "
|What are the three questions most commonly asked by lawyers? 1. How much money do you have? 2. Where can you get more? 3. Do you have anything you can sell? --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Q: How many lawyer jokes are there? A: Only three. The balance are documented case histories. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------There's an interesting new novel about two ex-convicts. One of them studies to become a lawyer, the other decides to go straight. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Lawyers are safe from the threat of automation taking over their professions. No one would build a robot to do nothing.
|An F-111 was flying escort with a B-52 and generally making a nuisance of himself by flying rolls around the lumbering old bomber. The message for the B-52 crew was, "Anything you can do, I can do better. "Not to be outdone, the bomber pilot announced that he would rise to the challenge. The B-52 continued its flight, straight and level, however. Perplexed, the fighter pilot asked, "So? What did you do? " "We just shut down two engines. "
|What' s big and grey with horns? An elephant marching band!What's yellow on the outside and grey on the inside? An elephant disguised as a banana!What's big, grey and flies straight up? An elecopter!What's grey, carries a bunch of flowers and cheers you up when your ill? A get wellephant!What's grey and never needs ironing? A drip dry elephant!What's big and grey and red? A sunburnt elephant!What did the hotel manager say to the elephant that couldn't pay his bill? "Pack your trunk and clear out!" How do you get an elephant into a matchbox? Take all the matches out first!What weighs 4 tons and is bright red? An elephant holding its breath!
|There was this statistics student who, when driving his car, would always accelerate hard before coming to any junction, whizz straight over it , then slow down again once he'd got over it. One day, he took a passenger, who was understandably unnerved by his driving style, and asked him why he went so fast over junctions. The statistics student replied, "Well, statistically speaking, you are far more likely to have an accident at a junction, so I just make sure that I spend less time there. "
|Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked the young MBA fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for? " The candidate said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package. " The HR Person said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette? " The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow!!! Are you kidding? " And the HR Person said, "Certainly, . . . but you started it. "
There was a new girl in school, when asked her name, she replied "Happy-Butt". When hearing this, the teacher said, "Go straight to the principal young lady. " At that, she went to the principal. He asked her why she was in the office, and she said "The teacher sent me hear so you can find out my real name. " He said "well, what is your name? " she said "My name is Happy-Butt" He said "That's not a name, I'm looking it up in the computer RIGHT NOW!" So he looks in the computer, and he says "it lists here that your name is Gladys. " She said "Exactly, Happy-Butt, Glad-Ass. . . SAME THING!"
A confused nine year old boy goes up to his mother and asks, "Is God male or female? "After thinking for a moment, his mother responds, "Well God is both male and female. "This confuses the little boy, so he asks, "Is God black or white? ""Well, God is both black and white. "This further confuses the boy so he asks, "Is God gay or straight? "At this the mother is getting concerned, but answers nonetheless,"Honey, God is both gay and straight. "At this the boy's face lights up with understanding and he triumphantly asks, "Is God Michael Jackson? "
"Honey, I have a confession to make," a guy told his bride. "I'm a golf nut. You'll never see me on weekends during golf season. ""Well, dear," she murmured. "I have a confession to make too. I'm a hooker. ""No big deal," replied the groom. "Just keep your head down and your left arm straight!"
A newlywed bride and groom had been busy at "it" for three days straight. The groom arose early and was reading the paper, thinking it was time to do something else. When his bride woke up, he said, "Honey would you like to see Oliver Twist? "His bride replied, "You show me one more trick with that thing and I'm going home to mother!"
There were three guys waiting for a bus on a bench when the first guy farts, 'WHOOOSSHHHHH. . . . 'No one brought attention to it. Then suddenly the second guy farts, 'WHOOOOOOOOSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHH. . . . . . . . 'Again, no one thought anything of it until the third guy let one,'PPPPPPPPUUUUUUHHHHHHHH. . . 'The first two guys then looked at the third guy and simultaneously said, "STRAIGHT. "